Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Lighter fluid & matches

I'm sorry I didn't upload earlier, but it's just that I haven't had the time. But it's finally here.

And I'm disliking the new wattpad, sad to say. Maybe I'll get used to it, but right now, it feels foreign and strange.

Anyways,

enjoy! :) (and let me know what you think)

Chapter 14 – Lighter fluid and matches

We sit at the kitchen table and play cards. I keep losing, and it might be because I’m extremely bad at it, or that I’m not paying any attention at all. It keeps bothering me that I don’t know who the boy was Jocelyn previously dated. I need to know, or I’ll think of every possible option that it could be. And I don’t like the options.

“I think we should take a break,” Anton says and it cuts the silence inside my brain like a recently sharpened knife. I break away from my thoughts, gently bleeding thoughts that were left unthought-of because of the sudden change in the atmosphere. What if he’d said that to me in private?

I notice my hands are shaking, so I drop the cards and press my fingers against the plain surface of the table so the others won’t notice it. I see Jocelyn is still shaken by the recent events, and who wouldn’t be if it was their past catching up with them? That’s why it’s called the past – we no longer want to experience it, and if we do, we know we shouldn’t.

“I agree,” Emma sighs and stands up. “I’ll make some tea.” Anton smiles.

At least there are the few people who know how to take the pressure off. At least they are trying to.

“Why don’t the rest of us go for a walk?” Anton suggests, raising his eyebrow as he stares at me. I feel a little uneasy, but then get up from the table and as I pass Jocelyn, pat her shoulder. Emma looks at us with sad eyes and bites her pale lip.

It is cold outside. Not as cold as it could get, but still chilly. I hug myself, but then Anton places a jacket over my shoulders. “Thank god you have me,” he whispers and tries to smile, but everyone is miserable. I wonder if it’s merely because of the weather. I understand people don’t specifically enjoy the rain or the wind or the muddy shoes that leave tracks if you enter your house. So is it the weather?

“Indeed,” I reply dryly and wait for him to give something to Jocelyn to wear. Out of the three, he is the only one who can hold himself together, while Jocelyn is fractured like a damaged mirror. You can still see her, but you know things have changed. And I am an apple that has fallen down to many times. I belong to the trash.

Jocelyn trails behind us, while Anton and I walk side by side, leaving centimetres between us, which in my opinion, should be eliminated. I want to feel his warmth, because the jacket is not doing a very good job. I need human contact; I need him close to me.

Right now, it feels like we’re miles apart.

“I’m scared,” Jocelyn mutters and breaks down in tears. In a matter of seconds, Anton turns around and stops her from sinking to her knees. I’m too numb to react, and just stare.

“It’s okay,” he whispers into her ear, as he takes all of her weight for him to carry. She relies on Anton entirely - physically and emotionally. “We’ll fix it. I promise, we’ll fix it.” But I doubt he knows what he’s talking about. Jocelyn’s problems follow her, like shadows. Even when the sun is gone, the shadows are here. Even when everything seems fine, they trail between the trees, they crawl inside her heart as the night sets over the sky.

How can you mend the scar that is hidden? How will you find it?

“Look at me,” he urges and takes Jocelyn’s face in his hands, caressing her cheeks. She holds onto his arms, crying. “Look at me,” he says softly now.