Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Cat and mouse

Chapter 11 – Cat and mouse

This has never happened to me.

I wish I could say that I understand, and I'm totally okay with it, but the thing is, I'm confused and freaked out, so it would be wrong to lie. So I just don't say anything and stare at him like I've seen a ghost. My heart is beating really fast, but I doubt whether it hasn't always been like this? I'm scared of being too calm. Wouldn't it be better to scream or run away?

I stand frozen, back against the wall, Anton staring at me, me staring at him, both waiting for the other to speak. Instead we both breathe in an out, almost in the same rhythm. This is something new, and I have not yet been exposed to this kind of situation. I've barely seen it in movies, and I have never read about this. Usually, in the books, you already know. There isn't a big reveal. Somewhere between the lines, you can tell, and you don't make a big deal out of it, because you already knew.

But this time I didn't.

Should I have?

It's suddenly cold, but hot at the same time. I don't dare to move, nor does Anton.

We should both get to class, but now it seems impossible. I think I hear the bell ringing, or it could be just my imagination. Even then, we don't speak, we don't even open our mouths in an attempt to murmur a word, we don't move a muscle, we just stay.

I'm not mad at him for not telling me sooner. I'm not mad at him for telling, at all. I'm not mad at anybody, only maybe at myself for not being able to respond. I'm not mad at the world, either, I'm not mad at today's society, I'm surely not mad at him for not speaking, because I understand clearly that this isn't something neither of us is use to.

I wonder what I should do. Should I be the first to say something?

It is a tricky situation, maybe even a game. Would the cat run after the mouse if the mouse didn't move? Would they just both stay there, perhaps? Is it a game of cat and mouse if there's no chase?

"I'm sorry I kissed you," he suddenly apologizes and relaxes his body. I still don't dare to do the same.

Tense, I shake my head.

He moves his mouth as if he's trying to say something else, but then gives up, not finding the right words, or too scared of my reaction – my lack of reaction. But my mind is a blank page, and apparently I don't have a pen to create anything.

"It was too soon," he says and nods. He runs his hand through his hair and bites his lip.

I tilt my head and look at him. He likes me? I frown. Anton is too busy over thinking, while I do no thinking at all. But my mind is slowly restarting, and I manage to recover step by step.

"Why?" I whisper, and at first I strongly believe I barely made a sound, but he catches it and turns to look at me.

There's a flash of something that crosses his face. I'm not sure either of us knows what it was.

"What do you mean?" he asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He's leaning towards me with his upper body to hear me better.

I don't know. I have so many questions starting with 'why', that it was simpler to just state that. But I'm afraid to ask all those questions separately.

I shake my head slightly, relaxing a little. I think of forming a question, but instead just stare at the air between me and the ground, my vision out of focus. I clench and unclench my fists, I run my tongue over my lips, I chew on the inside of my cheek, I blink too much, then don't blink at all, I breathe in as if to say something, but then exhale and close my mouth.