Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Bittersweet

Finally an update. Writing feels so strange, because I've been so busy with studying. I'm feeling a semi writer's block. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. It's not an action-packed chapter. I hope I'll be able to write a better chapter next time.

Happy reading x)

Chapter 41 – Bittersweet

I am not well-rested like some of the professors assumed. Some of them look just as tired and worn out as the students; they're a bit disoriented, but that doesn't mean they're lazy. Sometimes a week isn't enough, sometimes even two weeks isn't enough; and sometimes being away might be even more tiring than staying.

After only one day I've found my way to the art room. There a girl with large purple headphones painting in the corner. I don't say anything, because I don't want to interrupt her.

I didn't tell Anton I was coming here, because painting him would take time. I need to paint something abstract now, I need to spill the paint and form it with lazy and uneven and careless brushstrokes. And I definitely don't need an audience. Anton stays out. I am not ready to paint him yet.

It's partly, because I'm scared. What if I do paint him differently, now? But what if there's no difference at all...

Anton gathers his books and heads out of the classroom. He reaches the end of the hall, when he's cornered by Evan who puts his hand on one side of him, trapping him.

"I know you two are pretending," Evan says and raises his eyebrow, waiting for Anton to lie, to protect Howard and himself. Quite unsurprisingly, and to Evan's disappointment, Anton stays quiet. When he swallows, he's sure the entire hall echoed from it. But it's just his imagination and nerves.

"I also know you're not faking it," Evan continues. He squints his eyes to figure Anton out, but the poor guy is too taken aback by this confrontation. "You don't object?"

Anton sighs, his shoulders fall down and he relaxes. "I can't tell him."

Evan drops his arm and steps back. "Fuck! How the fuck isn't this going the way everyone thought?" It's a rhetorical question. Evan walks back and forth.

"You're not going to tell him, are you?" Anton asks, hopeful the answer will be 'no'.

Evan laughs. "I'm not an idiot," he says. "Can you imagine what the girls are going to say? I don't want them to punch Howard in the face. He's my friend after all."

Anton looks down. "I'm hoping he'll change his mind about me," he says and bites his lip. "It's a fool's hope, but I'll take it."

Evan massages his temples. "Times like these it's really difficult not to hate him," he mumbles.

"It's not his fault, though," Anton says. He manages a weak smile.

"What's your plan?" Evan asks.

Anton shakes his head. "There's no plan," he says. "It's all up to him. I won't make any moves. I will be patient."

I try to imagine painting Anton. I would feel nervous, but only because he'd be very aware of me looking at him and vice versa. Maybe when someone looks at me paint, I'll ruin everything. Maybe I won't be able to focus at all, because there would be someone judging. Usually I would be able to hide or destroy my works, but when someone is there, it's as if everything I do, every stroke I make is permanent.

And the concept of forever is scary.

Instead I painted trees and sunrays.

Jocelyn gets very excited about the painting and asks for my permission to hang it up in the living room. Permission granted.

"Have you thought about moving back to the dorms?" she asks, and adds quickly, "Not that I want you gone, god no! But since you're back together with Anton, I think it's sensible. I'm sure you two want to spend more time together now."

I watch her hang the picture, balancing it, all the while stealing glances at me to make sure I wasn't offended by anything she said and also wanting to see my reaction.

"I've thought of it," I say and nod. "Eventually I will, but I'm so caught up in schoolwork that I wouldn't have the energy to take all my stuff back to the dorms." I smile widely to make it more convincing, but I don't know how to fake being in love.

Jocelyn jumps off the armchair. "Oh, that's no problem! We can schedule the moving day. We can all help, what are friend for, otherwise!"

Everyone's more excited than me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Why can't I just like Anton anymore? What happened?

"Awesome! I'll talk to the guys, it'll be fun," she says and rushes to the kitchen. "Also, dinner's ready!" Tonight we're having pizza. And I'm having trouble dealing. Ain't it fun?

Evan is sitting on the bed across from Anton.

"Bad news kid," Evan says. "Your situation is going to get worse. Apparently, Jocelyn convinced Howard to come back here, to live with you." He bites his lip. "That's bullshit. If only this were the kind of situation where I could beg Lorcan to go beat someone up, it would be so much easier. How are we supposed to figure this out?"

Anton smiles. "I'll be okay. I told you I wasn't going to do anything. I'll let him come to me when it's time, even when it's only for telling me that it's finally over," Anton says and leans back against the wall.

"Is there something you're not telling me? Why are you so chill about this?" Evan frowns.

Anton snorts. "I'm not out-smartening you. We already tried with Howard, but still you figured everything out. I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt, that's it."

Evan's eyes light up. "Exactly!"

"What?" Anton is confused. Evan stands up, he's smirking, possibly plotting something.

"How did I not think of that? Such a moron," Evan taps against his head. "He's doing the same."

Anton frowns. Evan isn't making any sense.

"Howard is trying to protect himself from getting hurt again. It's nonsense, since he's the one who ended things in the first place, but I'm more than sure that he's just afraid of losing you again!"

He might be right, but it could only be a theory. There is no telling what Howard feels exactly.

"I'm still not going to do anything. Please don't get my hopes up," Anton says and lies on his side. He punches his pillow to make it fluffier and rests his head. Anton kicks his shoes off and closes his eyes. "You can stay, but I need to sleep to not over think things."

"Okay, fine," Evan says, defeated. "Forget I said anything. But we're going to move his stuff this Friday, so whether or not you agree to this, he's coming to live with you. I'm sorry."

Anton didn't reply, even though he was awake. He just wanted Evan to leave. Things were already going downhill, his mind racing with hope and confusion. It made sense that Howard was trying to keep himself from getting hurt, but then again, this was hurting Anton. It was also true that Howard didn't know how much it was hurting Anton, and Anton didn't want him to know either; he wanted Howard to figure it out on his own.

He also wanted kiss Howard.

He also wanted to sleep next to Howard.

But he was willing to wait. And perhaps all this waiting would slowly make his feelings fade and they could remain friends. However, Anton was hoping for a happier ending.

Eventually he fell asleep.

Eventually Howard fell asleep, too, three hours later, in his bed, where Jocelyn's excitement over his and Anton's relationship couldn't reach him. Part of him wanted to remain asleep, so he could avoid everything. Part of him wanted to paint Anton already. Perhaps it could help him figure things out.