Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Dinner for one

A/N: Sorry that it's shorter, but it was kind of hard for me to write. I didn't feel like writing. I hope it turned out okay. 

Let me know.

Happy reading  x)

Chapter 36 – Dinner for one

I still don't have the courage to do anything.

But waiting makes everything worse, doesn't it? I should just walk up to him and...say something.

Nevertheless I wait a week. Evan is pushing me to do something, but I really don't feel like it. He says I am acting like a child, but the thing is, if I were a child, I'd be forgiven; everyone would look at me with adoring eyes and wait for whatever silly thing I'd do; every stumble would be funny and every blurted out word would be cute, except I'm not a child and I can't get away with it.

I keep to myself even when Jocelyn's living room is filled with all the best people. Lorcan and Evan are teasing each other and acting silly, Jocelyn brings cookies on a plate, and Emma is trying to explain how she can't concentrate lately on her studying, because the upcoming exams are nerve-wracking.

If this were my place, I'd invite Abby also. I probably wouldn't speak to her, though, and still sit on the floor, knees close, and stare into nothing.

"How is it that even if he has everyone's blessing, he's still doing nothing?" Jocelyn whispers as she slides from the hand rest on the couch next to Lorcan. Evan reaches out for a cookie. Emma is writing something down in her notebook.

"Maybe we should do something about it?" Lorcan replies quietly, staring at the back of my head intensely. "We could always give a little push to Anton."

"Would he believe you?"Jocelyn cocks her eyebrow. "Have you even said something to him?"

"No, because I thought that maybe Howard could seduce him and then I'd take the softer punch. I don't want him full-force beating me up," Lorcan explains, his forehead crowned with lines of worry.

"I got this," Evan says with a smirk. "As always."

All of their words just go past me. I don't register anything, but I am aware that they mentioned my name. Everything else is just background noise.

"I think I'm gonna go for a walk," I suddenly say and stand up. I feel everyone's eyes on me; that's why I need to get out, so I won't feel like a freak being examined under a microscope.

Anton is surprised to see Evan at his doorstep. "Hey, I talked to Shay," he says. He looks friendly.

"Yeah, she mentioned something," Anton mumbles and steps away. "Come in."

Evan puts his backpack on the bed and pulls out two beers. "I didn't know what to get, so...I went down cheesy lane, sorry."

Anton laughs. "Beer's fine. You didn't have to get me anything, though."

"Oh, shut up. I have to be polite and a gentleman or you'd kick me out right this second," Evan snaps back, then smiles. He opens one bottle and hands it to Anton. "What did Shay say about me?"

"That you are trying to fix me? But that indicates that I'd have to be broken, doesn't it?" Anton asks, and when Evan nods, he continues, "So am I? Broken, I mean? Does it really show?"

"Well, you're a mess, for starters. And I'm going to have to sort you out, pick up the pieces, sew your tiny heart back together," Evan explains and waves a hand in the air as he swallows a sip of beer. "Just the usual business. I should charge people for services."

"You should. Instead you bring them beer," Anton muses and sits down on the empty bed.

"So, Shay might have told you that I was the one who told your professor about the poem." Evan's mouth forms a grin. There is a wicked glint in his eyes. "Sadly, it didn't quite work in the way I wanted it to work. He's still being a douche."

Anton shakes his head. "Don't. He's just confused. At least I saw that there's something there. He still feels... something for me." He drinks his beer and sighs. "Should I do something?"

"Well, I was thinking of how I could get you together. We need a situation where he can't escape and has to face you. So, of course, my initial thought was to have a party," Evan snorts.

"You and parties. Is it college that's changed you?"

"Probably," Evan agrees. "But then I thought maybe we could do something more extreme. How about we wait until spring break?"

"What did you have in mind?"

I would go home for spring break. I talked to my mom about. It was Lilly's final year and I would like to say some encouraging words to her face to face.

I started thinking the trip to home two weeks before. I spoke to Jocelyn about it and she thought it would be a great idea, but that she would like to come with me. She said we could make it a road trip since she had her car and could ask for her dad for gas money. She insisted it would be fun.

Evan was excited about it, too. We'd go the three of us. He said Lorcan wanted to go to his parents' house and Emma was going to be picked up by her sister. I guess it was decided pretty quickly that we'd go on a road trip in Jocelyn's silver car, we'd listen to stupid songs and sing along, we'd have stops at gas stations and we'd buy all the junk food we wanted. It sounded great.

I thought about talking to Anton, so I could regret everything during spring break and then go on with my life; but then not talking to him seemed easier. Instead I focused on packing my stuff.

"Why haven't you spoken to him?" Jocelyn asks. She's washing dishes while I'm frying fish sticks. That will be our dinner. She just got back from the store.

"I really don't feel like it. I'm already regretting everything, even meeting him, so I don't need more things to beat myself up about," I explain. Why are they so keen on fixing what Anton and I had? He's not, so why should I?

"While I totally understand it, you still should talk to him. So what if you regret it? At least you can say you tried." She keeps pushing the topic. I'd rather change the subject. "Something great might happen."

"Like what? Everything will go back to normal? I don't think so," I disagree. "He probably doesn't even want to see my stupid face. He probably wants to forget everything. I would."

"Ugh, you are impossible!" she reacts and closes the tap. She turns to me, one hand on her hip and stares at me with fiery eyes. "Anton is not like you. Get your fucking life together! I am more than sure that you have to face him in the future. For crying out loud, he lives in the same building as your father! Have you even wished Piper happy birthday? Didn't think so! You're blaming everybody, and most of all, yourself. Just stop! Put your energy somewhere else. I'm done." She removes her apron, throws it over the back of the chair and stomps out of the kitchen.

"What about dinner?" I yell, but she doesn't answer. I flip the fish sticks and sigh.

Even though what she said is true, change doesn't happen just like that.

I sat down alone at the table, a plate with fish sticks in front of me and a glass of orange juice in my left hand, a fork in my right hand. It felt so lonely; a dinner for just one.

Maybe I should do something.