Don't Tell Mom- Demi Lovato

[30] Disappointment

CHAPTER 30- Disappointment 

Izzy's POV 

        I laid back in bed, ignoring the stinging on my arm from the fresh cuts. My parents had left a few hours ago, with my mom hysterically crying. This happened every year that I'd been alive. For some reason on this day my mom just breaks down, she doens't talk a lot, just stares out of the window with tears rolling down her face. This time however, my dad has never even looked at her, or spoken to her. Now I hear screaming and crying from the bathroom, and they run out of the house and leaving me alone with my demons. 

That's a dangerous thing.         

        So, after about three hours, I heard the door open and footsteps on the stairs. Unsurprisingly, a knock sounds on my door. 

"What is it?" It opened, and my mom stood there. 

"Hi baby." I barely glanced at her before my eyes went back to my phone. 

"What do you want?"

She sighed, "Can we talk?" The tone of her voice was what made me waver, then to see the desperation and brokenness in her eyes broke me. 

"Fine." She shut the door behind her and walked over to my bed, sitting next to me. 

"Hi." I nodded, knowing that this entire thing was bound to be awkward. 

"Hi." 

It stayed silent for a few minutes, until my frustration got the best of me. 

"Can you just spit it out? What happened today? What happens every year on this day?" 

She inhaled deeply through her nose, was silent for a moment, then spoke. 

"Izzy you have a brother. He died in labor. This day is one of the worst days of my life, this day eighteen years ago was the day that started all of the bad things over in my life. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat or talk. Your father tried to help at first, but he was just dealing with the same greif as me and he didn't know how to. We were strangers living in the same house. He made mistakes, I made mistakes, and we got through them. But I'm reminded of all of those mistakes on this day." 

I stayed silent for a few seconds, absorbing the new information. 

"And you didn't think to tell me this?" 

She rubbed her face, "I'm sorry-" 

"No! You don't get to do that! To just apologize and make everything okay again! You don't get to just cut off from the world for days at a time, make me wonder at five years old why my mom won't play with me and have to have a nanny bring me to school and back when I'd see other girls being picked up and hugged by their mothers as they ran from the school. I'd get lucky if it wans't one who wasn't a total bitch. The days when Marissa picked me up were some of the best days of my life just because of that one moment of walking out of school and seeing someone familiar. But you know what?! I was ALWAYS looking for you, for that moment when I'd yell for you with a huge smile and you'd pick em up and ask me how school was, but that moment never came. And every time I walked out of that school became another disappointment. So fuck you. I don't want your apologies. Your words mean absolutely nothing to me. I'm done." 

With that, I got up and walked out of the room, leaving my shocked mom behind me. 

"Hey bud." My dad called as I walked past the living room. I slammed the garage door behind me and jumped into my jeep, knowing my parents weren't far behind, I peeled out of the driveway. 

Maddie's house was closest, and most logical as she wouldn't question too much, so I turned down her street and went down her driveway. After a few moments of knocking, she opened the door. It was almost scary how much she looked like a younger version of my mom. 

"Hi." 

Maddie smiled, "Hey bug." 

It was sort of a thing between us, she had always called me bug from when I was little and went over her house for play dates and sleepover to take my mind off of the fact that 'mommys in London right now, but we can watch this movie!' 

"Can I come in?" 

Her expression was loving as she stepped aside to let me in, "Does your mom know you're here?" 

I smiled sheepishly, "My mom knows I left the house?" 

Maddie groaned, "Another fight?" I nodded, but stayed silent. "Want to talk about it?" A head shake was all it took. Maddie was amazing like that, if I dind't want to talk, she wouldn't ever push me, or ask again. She just let me cry it out on her shoulder and cuddle while we watched movies. 

"C'mon bug, let's go upstairs." 

~*~

        "So you just left?" Maddie was playing with my hair as I laid next to her and told her what happened. She had a way with me just like my mom did once, she could barely say one word and have me spilling my deepest darkest secrets. 

"Yeah." 

"Well fuck! Now I'm gonna get in trouble! Hang on, I'll text her you're safe and here, but not to come." I waited as she typed in the message. 

"I just don't know what to do Maddie. Everything is so hard all of the time." 

She reached down to take my hand and was about to speak before she froze. 

"Izzy, can you take off your sweatshirt?" 

I'm screwed. 

"N-No... I'm fine." 

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "Izzy this can go one way or another but either way that sweatshirt is coming off." 

Slowly, I unzipped th hoodie and pulled it off my body, immediately lowering my head so I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in her eyes as she took one of my wrists. 

"Fuck." I felt her pull me into a hug, "Izzy when did this start?" 

I shrugged, "I don't know.. two years ago? Three? It's all a bit hazy." That was a complete lie of course, I knew the exact moment I'd cut myself for the first time, and the reason why. 

"Why bug?" 

I let out a bitter laugh, "Do you really need the answer to that question?" 

She shook her head, "Or my next one. Your mom doesn't know." 

I jerked my wrist out of her grasp, "Maddie you can't tell her. Please." 

She shook her head, "Your mom can help you, she's been through this." 

I grabbed her hand, "No. Please Maddie you can't. I'm trying to stop and I can do it on my own. If it gets too bad I'll tell her but I can't have her knowing right now. It'd kill her." 

Maddie bit her lip for a second, then nodded. 

"Fine, but let's go to sleep bug, you must be exhausted." 

Gratefully, I snuggled into her embrace. She felt like my mom did on the rare moments we cuddled. Sleep didn't come easy, but as I slowly drifted off there was one thought on my mind. 

Don't tell mom. 

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