Still Dawn: The Saga Continues

chapter 46, choices

[A/N: MASSIVE THANK-YOU TO NIKI HOPKINS MY NEW EDITOR!!  

Thank-you all so much for all your continuous reading, commenting and voting! Lets keep it up eh?  

Susan xx ]

CHAPTER 46: CHOICES  (nessie's P.O.V)

I was on my way downstairs to get some dinner when I heard them.  

Did they think I was stupid? I may not be fully grown, but I can still hear them well enough! My Mom, the one I had sworn to secrecy, had just told the whole family why I was staying in my room so much more. But she couldn't even explain it right. Jacob, my poor Jake, thought that I was angry at him. How could I ever be angry at him? Doesn't he understand I'm angry at myself? Doesn't ANYONE understand it's all about me, not them. I'm disappointed in myself. Nobody else will ever understand how it feels to be me. To be abnormal from birth. Everyone else in my family had a chance of normality. Everyone had a childhood, they grew up normally, they did normal things. I have never had that. I know they've tried but it's not the same for everyone else.

 All I want is to be able to grow up like any other child. I'm 6 and a half year's old and I'm in high school, I have a boyfriend and all I can think of is having children. I should be out playing in the dirt, throwing temper tantrum's, starting school, having birthday parties once a year, making friend's, having slumber parties, everything a "normal" 6 and a half year old should be doing.  

Now all I can think of is the fact that there is a high possibility that I wont be able to have kid's. No one know's what it mean's. I killed my mom whilst I was being born, if being born is what you call it, I almost bit my way out of my mom. My beautiful, normal mom. The only thing my dad could do was change mom to save her.at least Mom had 18 year's of normality.  

Jacob say's he love's me no matter what, but I'm not sure I believe him. I mean how can he love someone that might never be able to provide him with an heir. Someone to continue the Quileute Legend's. I'm so scared he'll see sense and leave for someone that can provide him with a family, a legacy. Someone that can do this easily, without having to worry about their own safety and whether or not they'll be around to raise the child. If I did try and have a child with Jake it could kill me and there would be nothing anyone could do. They wouldn't be able to turn me into a vampire as I am already half vampire.  

I turned and ran back into my bedroom throwing myself onto the bed. Letting the tear's flow freely onto my pillow.  

No-one could ever understand, not even Rosalie. She had wanted a baby so badly, but knew there was no way of having one. I didn't know if I could or not, but I did know that I'd be taking a risk if I tried, but it's a risk I would have been prepared to take, but of course, you can't have a baby without a dad. And Jake has made it clear he would never try without me even having to ask him.

I knew everyone was going to try and talk to me, try and make me feel better. Little did they know that they were wasting their time. No-one was ever going to make me feel better about myself. I will alway's feel like a failure, like I'm not a real woman. The one thing that has been the same throughout the existence of mankind is a woman's ability to reproduce, to keep the population alive. And now it look's like I have failed at the one thing I was produced to do.

"Ness?" My mom called softly through the bedroom door  

"GO AWAY!" "Renesmee!" she scolded "I'm coming in!" and with that she threw open the bedroom door and walked into my room. "So you're not even going to talk to me now?" she asked "Why should I?" I choked "you ... you told them!" Mom's face dropped realising I had heard what they were saying downstairs,  

"Ness sweetheart, they're all worried about you" she soothed, sitting down next to me on the bed.  

"I don't care!" I yelled back at her, "I told you in confidence!" "Sweetheart, if I didn't tell them then your father would have sooner or later"