SUPER RICH KIDS | PHAN

fifty eight.

dan.

dan felt disgusting.

he blinked, trying to figure out who's ceiling was above him. sometimes it still shocked him to wake up looking at any ceiling at all. he took a deep breath, blinking again, slowly.

what had happened? dan could remember fragments, but not everything. but he wasn't wearing his jeans, and the covers were semi tangled around him.

dan frowned and sat up slowly, pushing them off. he looked around and found his jeans, his socks, and his shoes laying at the foot of the bed. was this sunny's place? no... it didn't quite look like it.

then it came to him, and dan cursed under his breath, running his fingers through his tangled hair. he really couldn't drop this fucking boy.

dan got up and dressed as quickly as he could manage. he felt like he hadn't slept in a week, his head heavy and buzzing. he really wanted a shower, but he couldn't stay here. that would be giving in.

phil was in the kitchen. he was wearing his glasses and a shirt dan had seen him wear before, but he couldn't place where. and grey sweatpants. he was drinking something out of a black mug and not watching the door.

dan took this opportunity to just look at him, before he wouldn't get the chance again. he really was beautiful. if dan didn't hate him now he'd probably tell him that.

pain stabbed at dan's chest but he ignored it. no matter how much he wanted to fall back into phil's arms, that wasn't the kind of person he was. phil hadn't even apologized. he hadn't even tried to find options.

he hadn't chased dan. so dan wouldn't chase him. he'd deal with the pain of losing him until there wasn't any pain left to deal with.

finally phil turned and dan watched him jump a bit. he looked actually a bit... scared.

"dan," he breathed, setting his mug down and staring. dan hugged himself and stared back at him.

"hi." he knew phil hadn't taken advantage of him. he didn't know how he knew, but he did. he could just tell. "what happened?"

"you were really drunk," phil mumbled, fidgeting. "i went to talk to sunny and it... i'm s-sorry, dan. you looked like you needed help, i couldn't leave you there."

dan sighed, trying to ignore the overwhelming emotions begging to break through. "it's okay. i... thanks."

phil nodded. he looked surprised at dan's reaction. "um... yeah. no problem."

dan watched him. phil cleared his throat and nervously scratched at his neck. a thousand urges washed over dan at once.

"i'm sorry," dan blurted, and phil looked up quickly, his expression extremely hopeful.

"what?"

dan shook his head. fuck, he was so sad. "i'm sorry i did it that way. you deserve a real goodbye."

phil flinched and it was crazy how visibly his heart broke. he bit his lip and looked away. "i guess."

everything in dan screamed at phil, as if if he thought hard enough he'd hear it. apologize! say we can figure this out, anything, work for me. jesus, dan was stubborn, but not that stubborn. phil already weakened his defenses so much, if he just said he was fucking sorry... he knew dan was sensitive about that stuff.

"so..." dan trailed off. phil looked up again, and his eyes were shiny.

"so," he repeated back to him. god, dan wanted to punch him.

"goodbye."

they were on opposite sides of the kitchen. too far apart. they weren't close enough, and dan's head hurt.

"goodbye," phil muttered back. why couldn't he have said anything else?

dan swallowed and it felt far too hard to do. then he held his arms open, watching phil blankly.

in seconds phil stepped forward, and in a few more he had walked to him. dan wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed, closing his eyes as tightly as he could manage and breathing him in, his scent that had always made dan feel safe no matter what their feelings for each other were.

he realized what shirt phil was wearing now. he had worn it the first time they had met. somehow, phil looked incredibly different in it now, like whoever had drawn him had erased all the lazy flaws and sharp edges and left him a half-there, but still beautiful, version of himself.

dan pulled back. he couldn't let those thoughts get to him, not anymore. he was in no place to drop everything for phil, not anymore.

phil's eyes were red and dan's breath caught in his throat. he had been crying. phil turned away quickly, hiding his face. while he wasn't looking dan let his expression crumple, let himself show how badly he wanted to forgive him, to give in. dan held in a sob.

"goodbye," he repeated breathlessly and walked quickly from the room, shaking.

he stopped at his door, waiting. waiting for anything. for phil to tell him to wait, for phil to follow him, for phil. but nothing happened. phil wasn't coming.

dan took a deep breath and opened his front door, rushing down the steps as fast as he could handle without falling. he felt dizzy and lightheaded, and a bit nauseated.

even if he was making a mistake, there was no going back now. when dan made a decision like that he stuck with it.

phil wasn't the kind of person dan could be with. not now, not ever.

dan wasn't going back on this.

dan kicked at a rock on the pavement, and watched it roll into the street, his curls tumbling into his face from the breeze. for some reason, kat's voice creeped into dan's mind as he walked.

there's a first time for everything.