SUPER RICH KIDS | PHAN

forty six.

phil.

maybe he shouldn't have asked.

even though it had been an hour since he had said the words, they still echoed in his head, he could taste them on the tip of his tongue like a bitter reminder of his own idiocy. maybe he shouldn't have asked dan to live with him.

what had he been thinking? of course he wasn't asking to marry him, or even asking to date him- but had it seemed like that to dan? what if he had scared him off?

phil was laying on his couch, his legs hanging off the arm, his hands clasped on his stomach. he stared at his ceiling, his eyes searching for any imperfection. anything interesting in the perfectly smooth surface. he couldn't find any.

phil groaned and ran his fingers through his jet black hair, tugging on it as if it would help him think.

he was just lonely here. especially now. he found himself tempted to drive all the way back to the shelter just so he could sleep on the floor with dan, and that was exhausting, especially when it kept him up just thinking about it. thinking about his fingers threading through dan's soft curls, dan's hands grasping his shirt, his soft lips on phil's temple...

phil shook off those thoughts. they weren't even particularly sexual, but being around him in any way was proving to be nearly erotic to phil at this point. his presence demanded phil's attraction.

phil rubbed at his eyes. this was torture. he grabbed his phone off the coffee table and winced when the brightness of the screen nearly blinded him.

sunny picked up after a few rings.

"hey," he mumbled, his voice a bit scratchy, but phil could tell he hadn't been asleep.

"hi," phil breathed. he wondered if sunny could feel his frustration through the phone. sunny cleared his throat.

"how's it going?" he asked, and phil could hear him smirking, but he was too tired to be defensive. he sighed.

"i have no idea what i'm doing."

sunny laughed. "well, yeah."

"sunny-"

"okay, okay." phil heard a shifting sound, followed by a soft noise from his best friend as he got comfortable. "talk to papa sunny."

phil opened his mouth to speak but immediately closed it again. his mind was an angry whirlwind.

"i asked dan to move in with me."

sunny immediately violently coughed, and phil waited silently for him to collect himself. he sputtered for a moment before speaking. "y-you... oh my god."

phil winced. "is... is that bad?"

"no! no, it's just... woah."

phil bit his lip hard, closing his eyes. "sunny i'm not trying to... oh god. do you think he thinks i'm gonna like, propose? we aren't even dating, why would i... why did i..."

"phil," sunny interrupted. "follow my directions carefully, okay? i want you to breathe."

phil nodded and took a deep breath, shaking a bit. "okay, what now?"

"done breathing?"

phil nodded, taking another shaky breath and letting it out slowly. "yeah."

"okay," he mumbled, his mouth close to the receiver. he raised his voice suddenly. "now get your shit together, man."

phil flinched and held the phone away from his ear. "jesus..."

sunny laughed. "phil! he's homeless. you offered him a place to live. and i'll play your game of denial; you're friends. he won't think you're a creep. it's just a nice thing to do, it benefits both of you."

phil licked his lips. "i g-guess."

"you don't guess. you know."

phil nodded and rubbed at his temple, closing his eyes again. but dan was there, too. "i think there's something wrong with me."

another shuffling sound. "how so?"

phil paused, his voice dropping. "i can't stop thinking about him." for once, sunny was quiet, so phil continued, whispering. "my heart beats faster when i see someone who looks like him. and how can the way someone smells turn you on? i... i think i'm going crazy. he's making me crazy."

"he's not making you crazy," sunny said finally and phil scoffed.

"well it feels like it."

even admitting any of this made phil want to never leave the house again. his face was burning and the room felt suddenly far too warm. he took a shaky breath.

"what about him makes you feel crazy?" sunny asked and phil almost laughed, a broken laugh.

"everything, god... everything. his music, and how much he cares about it. how much he cares about the people in his life and how they always come first. the way he smiles. have you seen his eyes light up when he laughs? it makes me want to..." he trailed off. "god, i don't know. but it makes me want to do something drastic. and he's a really good hugger. and kisser. and when you talk to him, it seems like he actually cares about every word. he's fucking precious and beautiful and special, and i'll never, ever deserve him, but i want him, sunny, i really want him."

when he finished he was breathing heavily and he felt like he might be getting a rash from how much his skin was prickling with embarrassment. he squeezed his eyes shut to keep back what felt like the threat of tears. sunny was silent for a moment and phil's shame only increased with the seconds.

"then why aren't you with him?" he asked finally. phil shook his head.

"i'm scared. how could i ever say any of that to him?"

"it's easy. first you open your mouth-"

"okay, smart ass," phil muttered, rolling his eyes. he swallowed. everything felt heavy and his eyes stung. "i think i have emotional problems." his voice broke.

"oh, you definitely have emotional problems."

"you're helpful."

sunny sighed. "phil, you can do this, i know you can. dan brings out a different side of you, he brings out something that most people thought they'd never see in you. you have to hold on to that, you know? and i know it's scary, but you're doing incredibly so far. no one expects you to be perfect."

"but he's perfect," phil mumbled sadly. sunny laughed.

"he's not perfect, phil. for gods sake, he's probably just as scared as you are. he has emotional damage too, his parents kicked him out for liking boys. don't you think liking you is hard for him?"

phil bit his lip. "i... y-yeah." he hadn't thought about that much but now it added to his pile of things to worry about that were dan related.

"all i know," sunny said slowly. "is that i like the way you are when he's around. he makes you happy, and you make him happy too. so if you think it's worth fighting for, fight for it. and i'll fight with you in any way i can. if dan's friends care about him, they'll do it, too."

phil was really tearing up now and he rubbed at his eyes with his sleeve. he nodded, something in him sewing itself back up.

"okay." he nodded slowly. "okay. you're right."

"of course i'm right." he could hear sunny smiling. "and, phil?"

"yeah?"

"welcome back."