Schizophrenia? | Vkook

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Dear Jungkook,

     Why I wrote this letter? I'm not sure, maybe because I want you to know how it is like to be 'me' or maybe because I'm in love with a second 'you'. I met my Jungkook few months ago, after you slipped in coma. At first It was difficult, I had assumed that the Jungkook I was seeing was real, it turned out otherwise.

     The imbalance of dopamine and serotonin in my brain were the causes of my hallucinations. I didn't realise it until I met Jungkook, a not so real Jungkook. Stuff started getting scarier, I didn't had control on most of the things I saw or felt, it was messing my thinking process and ability of imagining. Everything felt so unreal, It was difficult to differentiate the false and the truth. Schizophrenia was probably my biggest flaw, but Dr.Lee never agreed to it. He called me more normal than most of the population on Earth. I still doubt his reasoning's. He told me that it wasn't right for me to call myself a schizophrenic, schizophrenia was a part of me, it didn't describe me or who I was. Maybe he's right. I wish everyone looked it that way, but sadly world doesn't revolve the way you want it to, people wouldn't react the way you want them to either. This is how it is. This is how it will always be.

     When I was 12 Years old, things happened, which I regret from the core of my heart. Probably I was hallucinating then. Probably I loved my father to an extent that I still refer him as my father. Probably he and Mr.Choi were innocent. Probably I hallucinated it all. Probably my brain made up those stories to make me look like a victim. Probably I never killed them. And probably I didn't push you. All these 'probably's' are the reason why false looks so real. It isn't even false to me, I can see it, feel it. But I can only imagine other's freaking out seeing me talk to nothing. It's ironically funny, I never asked for any of it, and yet I was stuck with all of it. My real parents who gave me birth just to throw me in an orphanage, did I ever asked to be born? It is sad how we're pushed in this world without our permission, it's sadder that the person who pushed you doesn't want you.

     I was little when appa and eomma adopted me, they treated me well. I loved them. My mother was battling with Asperger syndrome, which I was quite ashamed of. The boys in school would bully me, eat away my lunch, burn my homework, and sometimes made me run errands. All because of my mother's disorder. My life was turning more and more  miserable each passing day, and whom did I blame it all on? My mother. A lady who loved me more than anything in her small world. The first time I saw any emotion on her face was the day I saw her die. Things started slipping later, and now I doubt if they actually ever slipped.

     Kim Jongin, my step brother, the only person after my mother- who dearly cared for me was killed. HaeJin hyung and Jimin were blood related to him, he was their step brother. HaeJin Hyung knew, Jimin didn't. He never supported me with the wrong stuff I did, though he was always there to fill up my scars with love and affection. I don't remember why I did any of it, but I surely remember regretting all of it. Kai looked exactly like Jongin, and after jongin's death I started shaping Kai the way I wanted to see him. I'm not sure if Jongin would've looked the same if he wouldn't have died.

     Kai, my first imaginative creature, who appeared because of several reasons. Although I believe it was because of Jongin not supporting my choices then, Doctor's said otherwise. The first time he appeared was when I started planning on murdering my bully Ken. He supported me then, but now when I look at it, it feels like he was the fuel to my fire, he never watered any of my situations.

     Choi Eun, my father's closest friend, who was like a wicked stranger to me. Our first meeting was quite tragic, I had burned his eye. That man disgusted me to chore, the first time I saw him was the day my mother died. I wouldn't explain the entire situation, but would like to say that Appa was the only cause of all my misery. He handed me over to a monster named Choi, and killed my mother for the same man. I still don't get what was so great about Choi that made my father do any of it. Maybe they were dora and boots, who would do anything for each other, inseparable, died together also.

Jimin came in my life when I was at a very weak state. I remember being in a hospital room and him knocking at the door asking me whether it was okay for him to come in. I had shaken my head, asking him to fuck off, but he came in, probably thinking I said 'I don't mind'. He was annoying then, but very sweet. We became best friends. I used to think that he was my guardian angel, who came unknowingly wearing a blue sweater, with the warmest smile on his face. Now when I look at it, I realise that it was HaeJin hyung who asked him to look after me, since we shared the same age group. I don't mind though, Jimin was my angel and things would always remain the same, just not romantically this time.

Romantically I've fallen for a certain raven head who looks exactly like you. I've already said this at the start of the letter, but saying it again feels good. Saying that I'm in love with Jungkook feels good. He was an annoying mother fucker at the start, I swear I wanted to rip his head off his body. But I got used to him, and it took me a while to realise that 'used to' was just another word for 'like' . I started liking him, in a holy mother earthly romantic way. And the fact that he didn't reject me made me happier. Not like he had any choice, after all he's me too.

When you wake up Jungkook, things might be different, probably scarier. People aren't the best, they come in your life, take something and leave. Everyone took away something from me and left. Appa took my happiness, Choi took my virginity, Kai took my innocence, Jimin took my demons, Eomma took my childhood. Jungkook took my heart, but he didn't leave, he promised to stay by my side for eternity. I don't know about Jongin.. I don't know what he took away from me, but he surely left without a goodbye.

Lastly, I would like to apologise for 'accidentally' pushing you. Wake up soon, and live the way you want to. Don't let other's words bother you, everyone has their bad days, they have their's too, keep forgiving. When things get difficult, remember that you were in coma for over six months, if you can battle that and wake up then you can battle anything in this world. I'd look up on you, from afar. Not because I pity you, but as an apology for falling in love with my hallucination whom I built up exactly like you without taking your permission. Sorry and Thank you.

Your's 'not so truly',
Kim Taehyung.