For My Aching Soul

Chapter 32

I hadn't let Rolan know I wasn't actually okay with the platonic relationship we had. I knew it was already hard for him to keep his distance. I spent many nights thinking about him. Back home I never really gave much thought to guys. I was always busy with my dancing and the all the guys in my small town didn't at all seem appealing to me. I was always a bit of a sapiosexual, drawn to fellow intellectuals. I guess that was one of the many reasons I was so attracted to Rolan. Unfortunately, these past few days I haven't even really seen him during group sessions as he's been busy preparing for his new patients. I must admit I was extremely jealous. I wasn't worried about our time together being lessened but just the thought of him being enclosed in a space with anyone else talking and sharing thoughts pissed me off. I know that was extremely selfish on my part. This was his job. I guess I just wish I wasn't also a patient. That I was his girlfriend who lived in the condo they shared just a couple miles from here. Who he would come home to on weekends. Who would relieve him of any stress he had gathered during the week. I had also started thinking about my virginity recently. The most I had ever done with any guy is kiss and perhaps let him fondle my boob. But I was 17 now and even with the depression that had the ability to numb me in every sense...whenever I was around Rolan I got urges that I couldn't necessarily explain. I knew he would never touch me but I always hoped.

I walked absentmindedly to Rolan's office today. I had taken my own sweet time getting ready this morning and would be about 10 minutes late but I didn't let it bother me. When I arrived his door was slightly open and I could hear him on the inside whisper shouting. I pushed it open without invitation to do so and found him pacing around his office on his phone with a tight expression, eyebrows pressed into a hard line and his free hand on his hip.

"Well, what the fuck do you want me to say Abigail?!" I stood frozen and listened to him.

After a moment he noticed my presence.

"I have to go now. We'll talk about this later," he ended the call before the person could have any time to respond.

He placed his phone down on his desk and exhaled before speaking, "I'm sorry about that Nicole."

I didn't say anything.

He went to close the door and then returned to his desk where he sat in his chair and gestures for me to do the same.

I raised an eyebrow in question.

"It's nothing. Just some personal issues," he assured me but I felt offended by this. I had assumed we were closer than this; that he could talk to me.

"Oh, I see," I scoff.

"That's not what I mean," his eyes soften.

"Of course not," I fake a smile and begin to fiddle with the hem of my top.

"We aren't here for you to be concerned about me," I could tell he thought this was helping but it really wasn't.

"I'm aware. I just assumed you could confide me in like I do you. Gosh, I've never felt more like your patient than in this moment," I roll my eyes slightly to express my annoyance with the situation.

"I don't want to burden you with my problems, Nicole. You already have enough going on," he sounded sincere but I couldn't help continue on my streak of annoyance.

I decide that no response would be the best response.

After a while he exhaled, "My ex-wife is giving me a hard time about relocating to this part of the city. She believes it's negatively impacting our daughter."

My head shot up and my eyes pierced his.

Ex-wife. Daughter. Ex-wife. Daughter. Ex-wife.

It kept playing over and over again in my head.

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything.

"I don't practice bringing up my personal problem-" I cut him off as he tried to justify why he didn't say anything (I suppose he equated my silence to being concerned about this)

"So what am I ? Just a work problem then?" I couldn't help the grimace that masked my expression then.

"What? No, Nicole. That isn't at all what I'm suggesting and you know it," he leaned forward in his seat, looking defeated.

"I just wish you had said something to me Rolan. I know nothing can happen between us but I don't want to feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. You can tell me things, I'm a person and I was under the impression we were close," I push my hair from my face as I speak.

"Nicole..." he trailed off, lost for words.

"I hope you sort out this personal issue," I spit out as I stand up from my seat, ready to storm out.

Rolan gets up quickly and rushes over to where I am standing, "Please don't go."

"We can reschedule to a time when you aren't so invested in your personal issues Rolan, it's fine," I respond.

He lets out a breath before pulling me up to him by my forearms, "You think what's happening between us isn't a personal issue?"

I don't reply, too swept up with being in his arms.

"Nicole, I struggle with not being able to have you every single day. And as far as my ex and my daughter goes, you're right, I should have mentioned it because you're so much more than a patient to me," his eyes were sincere as they pierced mine.

"I want you so badly," was what fell out my mouth. I kicked myself mentally.

His face spread into a smile, "So you aren't upset anymore?"

"I'm definitely still pissed. The only thing that could make this better is a kiss but I know you won't so it's whatev-" before I could finish my sentence Rolan's lips were firmly pressed against mine.

It took me a while to register what was happening but it finally clicked and I began to respond. I pressed my body against his and looped my arms around his neck. I felt dizzy. I couldn't believe he was actually kissing me. Things got heated pretty quickly. His hands released my upper arms. One moved to my waist while the other rested on the top of my butt. He pulled me into him as if it was possible to get any closer.

I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips. This made him chuckle but he quickly regained his focus and slid his tongue into my mouth. My nipples began to pucker up at this and a pool formed inside my panties. I wanted him right then and there. Though I was still curious about his child and her mother who he had never mentioned, I wanted him to rip my clothes off and take me.

I let my hands slide down his body and pushed them inside his white coat to touch his sculpted cotton clad chest. The action made him stumble back a bit, causing him to lean against the edge of his desk. I came crashing into him and was now pressed between his legs, not breaking the kiss. Both hands now moved to my ass and squeezed tenderly yet firmly. This made him moan slightly and kiss me harder.

I suppose we were both so invested in the kiss that we didn't hear the knocking at the door. So when the outburst of a man's voice erupted in the office we both jumped apart.

It was Alex.

"What the hell is going on here?!" He was red with anger, confusion clear on his face.

"A-Alex what are you doing here?" I couldn't process this situation. I felt like I was going to pass out.

"What am I doing here?! You can't be serious Nicole, I just caught you pressed up against your Doctor!" Alex had a vein popping out of his head.

"Alex, please stop yelling at her. If you should yell at anyone it's me," Rolan spoke now, protectively coming to stand in front of me.

"You're damn right! You pedophile, what are you doing touching your underaged patient?!" Alex advanced toward him.

"I don't know what to say, okay Alex? I-" Alex cut him off with a right hook to the face.

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed. Rolan bent over to nurse his now bleeding face.

"Go to your room, Nicole," Rolan said.

"No, I'm not-" he cut me off.

"Go, Nicole." I looked between him and Alex before leaving.

My anxiety was at an all time high as I walked quickly to my room.