For My Aching Soul

Chapter 30

"You look like a bus hit you," Alex laughed as I approached him that day. He was sitting in the library with a book sprawled out in front of him.

"Thanks?" I raise my eyebrows and break into a smile.

I sit beside him and flip the book over to read the title.

"You really gotta let me show you the decent books in this place," I comment.

"You mean the dusty classics?" He cackles.

"Exactly." I confirm with a faint smile.
"So what did you need?" I ask.

"Oh, right. I wanted to tell you that I'm going on vacation for two weeks so I won't be around this place for a while," he pushes the book aside and turns slightly to face me more.

I place my hand over my left breast dramatically, "Oh, how will I survive without you Alex?" My voice feigning hurt.

He smiles and shakes his head, "Cute but I hope you realize this means you'll have to tackle the horrors of this place on your own."

"Shit, you're right. Don't leave," I clasp my hands together and pout.

"I'm sorry but the Bahamas is really calling my name kid," he shrugs, eyes smoldering at the thought of his time off.

Just then his attention shifts forward. I follow his eyes to see him looking at Dr Gaines who was checking out a book at the librarian's desk not too far from us.

He momentarily eyes Alex and I before turning and leaving, face lacking any expression.

I internally groan.

"How's that been going?" Alex's question snaps my eyes from following after the upset Doctor and back to him.

"He's a great Doctor. I actually think I'm starting to make some progress. At least way more than I was before," I admit honestly, not allowing the most recent encounter with him to alter my opinion.

"Hmmm," was Alex's response.

I cock an eyebrow at him, "And what is that suppose to mean Mr. Vacay?"

"It's nothing really. It's just that when I first met with him he was so poise and clean cut...the ideal good Doctor. I actually looked up to him a lot," he says, fidgeting with the credentials he wore around his neck.

"But?" I encourage him to continue.

"Of late he's just been slightly abrasive to me. I'm not sure if it's with everyone or if I'm not just imagining it for that matter but I'm too busy thinking about getting this time off to even care," he finishes.

Of course I could right then and there admit to Alex that it was more than likely only him the Doctor was being abrasive to and this was solely because he saw him as a threat to the relationship him and I would NEVER have. But that would put Alex in an awkward place. He would have to choose between his friendship with me and his duty to report such a scandalous thing. So I did what any person in my position would do. I lied.

"I'm sure you're just imagining it. But yes...go forth and enjoy your two weeks good sir."
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"You can't seriously have a problem with my friendship with Alex," was the first thing I said the next day when I walked into Dr Gaines' office for our session.

"Good morning to you too Ms Sinclair," his lips are pressed into a hard line.

"Oh, drop the bullshit Gaines, when did I become Ms Sinclair?" I plop down into my seat, exasperated.

"I don't appreciate your tone," he says through gritted teeth.

"And I don't appreciate your childish behavior," I challenge.

"You don't want to upset me anymore than I am Nicole," his voice is low and menacing. For a moment he reminds me of my father but I push it aside quickly. Not wanting my father to alter my perspective on anyone or thing in my life.

"Ahah!" I stand up in triumph, "So you are upset."

"Please sit down," he gestures for me to do so.

"Not until you tell me what's bothering you," I fold my arms stubbornly.

"Sit down Nicole," he repeats, a little sterner.

"Nope. Answer me first," I hold my ground.

He slams his hands on top of his desk and stands up so quickly that I fall back into my seat out of fright. As he circles the table and comes to stand before me I can't help but remain silent, eyes wide and waiting.

He leans over me and holds the arms of the seat on both sides of me, trapping me in front of him. I have to admit, his sudden portrayal of strength reminded me nothing of my father now but instead acted as a major turn on.

"You wanna know why I'm upset? I'll tell you why," he swallows habitually before continuing.

"I'm upset with the fact that I can't talk with you out in the halls freely like Alex, or any other person for that matter, can. I'm upset with the fact that no one would speculate and make faces if Alex were to hug you out in the courtyard. I'm upset with the truth that if you and Alex were to get together there would be far less controversy than if it were to be the two of us. I'm upset that you're hurting and that you have to be my damn patient because maybe if I had met you under different circumstances I could be with you like I really want to. And most of all, I'm upset that I'll never truly be able to take away all the pain you're feeling no what methods I use," his voice cracked with each sentence, his eyes piercing into mine the whole time he spoke.

Almost instinctively I reach up and touch his face with both my hands, this is the first I am doing this. His face feels soft yet aged like fine red wine upon swallowing it. I lean forward, I'm so close now that I can feel his breath on my lips. As I inch closer, he doesn't move away.

"I won't kiss you because I know that will just cause more problems but I want you to know that you need not be upset about what you cannot change. You taught me that," I look into his eyes tenderly, "And no matter how true any of that is...just know I'd much rather talk to you here without anyone looking."

He smiles at my last sentence but it doesn't touch his eyes.

I know exactly what he needs to hear though, "And just so you know Rolan, I am in no way attracted to Alex and I can promise the same for him as it relates to me."

It was the first time, since learning it through my inquisitiveness, that I had actually used his first name. I loved how it felt in my mouth and knew I'd be using it more now.
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