For My Aching Soul

Chapter 18

The meeting with Miss Allione was uncomfortable to say the least. First she began with asking me simple questions like to verify my names, my age, where I came from,my favorite food, if I had any pets...

Then she began to ask me what my favorite childhood memory was, if I liked the neighborhood I grew up in, what I liked to do for fun, if I my father and I had a good relationship, how I was feeling....

I squirmed for the entire session, answering her very vaguely or not at all. I guess she sensed that I was never going to willingly talk about anything to anyone here unless I was pressed and boy was she pressing.

After a while she gave up on account of it almost being time to have the larger group session and she let me go.

I got up quickly and rushed to the door but before I could leave she said, "I know it's just the first day so I don't expect you to open up to me but we have your best interest at heart here Nicole; we want to help you." I could hear the smile in her voice.

I didn't bother to say anything. I just opened the door and left. There were already girls sitting in the sitting area. Most of them looked mid-twenties to early thirties and about three of them looked my age. While it would have been practical to try to connect with those my age, I desperately scanned the room for Lennie and Sam. I didn't feel like trying to make new friends (though Lennie and especially Sam weren't exactly my friends) twice in one day. After a while I notice Lennie's blonde head bobbing in conversation with Sam. I walk over and take a seat next to her.

Before she has time to say anything to me, which she looked eager to do, Miss Allione joined the group and began talking. I zoned her out until I heard my name.

"We have a new face with us," she smiled. "Why don't you introduce yourself, Nicole?"

I hesitated but Lennie gave me a reassuring smile. I exhaled and raised my eyebrows a bit trying to figure out what to say before actually speaking.

After a while I decided on, "Hi, my name's Nicole Sinclair. I'm sixteen years old. I'm from Lakeshore here in California. I like to dan-" I was about to say I liked dancing but I stopped myself immediately.

I cleared my throat, "I like to write." I lied quickly then shut my mouth. I mean I did enjoy literature but it really wasn't my love.

"Welcome Nicole," everyone said in a dead unison.

I clasped my hands together and smiled slightly.

I didn't speak for the rest of the time. Miss Allione did some exercises that really didn't require me to speak anyway. First, we were all suppose to write down the first word that came to mind when we thought of ourselves. When I thought of myself nothing came to mind. Just pitch blackness. I no longer had an identity.

I scribbled something down quickly anyway. We were told to hold the notepads up to our chests with the side we wrote on facing out.

I looked around the room and saw things such as:

Fat
Ugly
Nasty
Loser
Stupid
Skinny - This one belonged to Lennie.

I looked over at her and for the first time I noticed that she was indeed very thin. I immediately thought back to breakfast and realized that she did more talking than eating.
Maybe that's why she spoke so much and was always so enthusiastic, she was trying to distract those around her from noticing her eating disorder.

She caught me looking at her and I turned away quickly.

Of course Miss Allione had to comment on mine, "What makes you feel empty, Nicole?"

I shrugged and let my notepad fall to my lap.
She gave me a sympathetic smile and didn't pry but that didn't stop the others in the room from staring at me.

The rest of the session went by quickly (thankfully) and it was time for lunch. I didn't much feel like eating. However, Sam did. Lennie and Sam were inseparable from what I gathered so naturally she bounced after her. This wasn't good for my initial plan of staying in my room until lunch was over because  Lennie dragged me along.

On the way there I saw Alex who waved politely at me. I smiled back and kept walking. I'd never ever had time back home to think about boys yet alone have them as friends but I couldn't stop myself from acknowledging how nice and handsome he was. I quickly let the thought dissolve away, knowing he would never truly befriend a kid like me. Yet alone one of the looney patients he was paid to look out for. He was just doing his job.
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