Made To Be Broken

Truth Behind The Lie

“When they said I was a sinner

I was struggling with my youth

And with the hope that God could change me

I believed it was the truth

And I spent my whole life trying

To be what they said I should

But on the inside I was dying

Because I never really could.”

- God Knows I Tried, RAY BOLTZ

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The mattress depressed quietly beneath Jonah's weight as he sank down on the end of the bed. His head dropped into his hands and the tears were coursing down his face long before he truly became aware of them. His chest and stomach hurt, his head pounded, his body ached. And his heart screamed.

What happened to you? Who did that to you?

Jonah's fingers slowly curled and squeezed his hair tighter and tighter.

It doesn't matter...it was a necessary lesson.

“Noble.” he trembled and clamped his eyes tight, pushing more tears out. “Baby, what did they do to you?” He raised head and pressed both hands over his mouth and nose, eyes refilling as he stared blankly at the bedroom door. It seemed hours had passed since Noble had stood there, confessed that he wished they had made love...but it couldn't have been more than maybe fifteen minutes.

Go after him, his heart cried. Don't let him leave like this. Stop him, make him understand there's nothing wrong with him. Just do – something!

Jonah laid back on the bed and raked his fingers through his hair slowly, over and over, staring at the ceiling, tears draining down his temples.

Some lessons can't be unlearned.

Was it too late for Noble? He wasn't broken in the way he thought he was...but he was still broken. In a way that Jonah wasn't certain could be fixed. Maybe Noble was right; maybe some lessons couldn't be unlearned, no matter how hard one tried to unlearn them.

Sitting forward, Jonah leaned on his knees. He couldn't make the tears stop, they ran freely, streaking his face, dripping off his jaw and chin. So you're just going to give up on him? Let him go? Let all the bastards win, who hurt and damaged him? You don't love him enough to fight for him, save him?

Love him. Jonah tasted the words, let them melt in his mouth and pour down into his heart. He was in love with Noble Richman. Until this moment, he hadn't admitted it aloud or even silently to himself.

The scars on Noble's back rose behind his eyes. Not all fathers love their sons so unconditionally. Jonah stood up slowly and wiped his face, a simmering rage sizzling in his veins.

“You better hope to hell we never cross paths, you motherfucker.” Jonah muttered, his jaw tight, squeezing, inciting more tears to burn his eyes and race down his cheeks. “I swear to God I'll rip your fucking head off.”

Jonah found his cell phone and punched out Noble's number without having to think about it; he'd memorized it last night in about two seconds. The guy's phone must have been turned off because Jonah's call went straight to voice mail.

“Noble.” his voice tightened with emotion. “Please call me...talk to me. You didn't have to leave.” His words faltered as he swallowed hard and his voice softened to an uneven whisper. “You didn't do anything wrong.”