Made To Be Broken

Don't Say A Word, Don't Tell A Soul

“You think that I can't see right through your eyes

Scared to death to face reality

No one seems to hear your hidden cries

You're left to face yourself alone.”

- Where Will You Go,EVANSCENCE

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Just focus. It didn't mean anything. You're fine. Doing good. Think about Rebecca. Your future. God has answered your prayer. You are healed.

“Stop fidgeting.” Rebecca laughed softly. It was a sweet sound that reminded Noble of a warm summer breeze. He stared down at her as she messed with his tie; tightening the knot and fixing the collar of his white dress shirt. He could spend his life with her, be the husband she wanted and deserved. She was the answer to his prayers. He smiled; her love had delivered him. He didn't need anything else.

What about last night?

The smile melted away like ice beneath the scorching heat of the sun. His stomach knotted and he suddenly felt light headed as images from the dream came back in flashes.

Hands touching his body. A man's hands. His lips on Noble's mouth. Noble opening up to him in every way. Taken by him, consumed, used for pleasure. And allowing it to happen willingly. Wanting it, needing it. Starving for it.

A sudden twitch behind his cotton briefs shot him through with fear and anxiety. The crotch of his trousers swelled just a fraction, but it was enough to set off alarms in his head, like church bells clanging until he could hear nothing else. He'd awaken from the dream with a raging hard-on, still feeling the sensation of the man's fingertips tracing patterns on his skin, his warm lips kissing places on his body that no man had any business getting close to. His erection had been so fierce, so demanding and unrelenting that he'd had no choice but to take care of it.

While doing his business, he had struggled to keep his mind clear, free from thoughts. He hadn't wanted to do it while thinking about the dream, the way the man's strong, masculine body had felt against his as he'd entered him from behind and given him a taste of heaven unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. But it wasn't heaven. It would always be hell.

Noble shifted his feet when the memory of masturbating to the unholy dream caused his shorts to tighten a bit more. The nausea he'd felt that morning after getting off, came back on him now. The very instant he'd released, the shame had hit him hard like a judgment from God and filled him with disgust for himself. He'd dropped to his knees and cried before God, begging for forgiveness, begging God to cleanse him of the abominable thoughts and feelings.

You didn't backslide. You didn't DO anything. It was just a dream. No one can control their dreams. It doesn't mean anything. You're still okay.

“Noble?”

Noble blinked. Rebecca was gazing up at him with a pinched brow. “Huh?” Heat seeped into his face at the memory of the dream and what he had done afterwards. He hadn't told Rebecca about it. None of it. He was too ashamed and sickened by it all to confess it out loud. Rebecca didn't know about his...problem. And she didn't need to know because it wasn't a problem anymore. He was in love with her. He desired her.

“Are you okay?” Concern singed her soft voice. “You look like you don't feel well.” She touched his face with the back of her hand. “You're a bit flushed.”