Fool Me Twice -Editing - (Completed)

Chapter 23: One-sided

Jess' POV

The silence is maddening. I can even hear the ticking of the clock. Alas otso na pala ng gabi. I wasted half of the day staring at the ceiling. Thank God no one bothered me. Kahit text o phone calls wala akong nareceive kahit na isa.

I looked around me. Nasa sala ako ng unit ko. Walang nagbago sa paligid. That's why I preferred to stay here. Ayokong pumasok sa kwarto. Dahil makikita ko na tanging ang mga gamit ko na lamang ang natira doon. I don't have to check it. But I'm sure Ian took away all of his stuff.

I can't believe that he's gone. When he was packing I did not bother to stop him. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. I can no longer offer empty promises. At alm kong lalo ko lang siyang masasaktan. He doesn't belong here anymore. He has no place in my world, which is full of lies and uncertainties. I love him. Pero hanggang doon lang 'yun. I don't see my future with him. Hindi ko alam kong bakit ngayon ko lang ito narealize. Parang may kulang sa relasyon namin.

Is it really about relatuionship? Or is it all about me? How I feel towards him. After all these years na magkasama kami, bakit ngayon ko lang ito naramdaman? Dahil nasa eksena na naman ba si Ambrose? O dahil mahal ko pa rin si Ambrose hanggang ngayon?

Bakit ako nagkakaganito? Minahal ako ni Ian nang higit pa sa inakala ko. And all this time, hindi ko pala siya minahal ng totoo. I know I love him. But not thew way he loves me. Not the same intensity that I loved Ambrose.

He deserved someone  to love him, yung kayang suklian ang pagmamahal niya. Yung aalagaan siya at hindi siya sasaktan. At hindi ako yun. So I had to let him go. He deserves to have the best things in life. Including a perfect girl, and a perfect relationship.

It happened again. Mag isa na naman ako. This time Ian left me. Well, not exactly.  I drove him away. I know it would hurt both of us if he leaves. But it will tear us apart also if he stays. Pareho lang kaming masasaktan.

Mas gusto kong mapag isa. Mag isip. Parang last week lang ginawa ko na rin ito. Pinagtaguan ko si Ambrose. But I was with Ian. Here I am, alone this time. This is what I'm good at, running and hiding. Noon unang umalis ako, nakapaghiwalay sa akin si Ambrose. Para makapag simula ulit. At para makalimutan ko ang sakit ng nangyari.

Pero ngayon, bakit wala na akong maramdaman na sakit? Manhid na ba ako? O di kaya ay immune na? Or I anticipated that Ian and I would end up this way? Nararamdaman ko na ba simula pa lang na magkakahiwalay din kami?

I can't explain what I feel. Hindi ako nasasaktan. Hindi ako labis na nalulungkot. But one thing is certain, what's killing me now is the guilt. Ayaw akong patahimikin ng konsensiya ko. What's left with me were the expressions on Ian's face. His shocked face when I started telling him about Ambrose. The grief on his handsome tear-stricken face was evident when he had his last glance at me before he left. Hindi nito ikinahiya at pagluha sa harap ko. And I couldn't take it anymore.

Paano ko nagawa ito sa kanya? When all he wanted was for me to be happy. Ginawa niya lahat para makalimutan ko ang sakit na naranasan ko sa pag iwan sa akin ni Ambrose. He gave me a chance when I thought there was nothing left for me.

I spent years in the dark. Nabuhay akong walang pakialam sa paligid ko. Namuhay akong puno ng sama ng loob ang dibdib ko at sinisisi ang sarili ko sa nangyari sa amin ni Ambrose. Lalo na sa pagkawala ng anak namin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula. Hindi ko alam na magmamahal ulit ako. Until he came. Pinagtyagaan niya ako. He patiently waited for his chance. Lagi siyang nasa tabi ko. At pinaramdam niya sa akin kung gaano kasarap ang pakiramdam ng mahalin ulit. At magmahal. All he did was to care and love. And this is what he's got. He didnt' deserve all of these.

But what have I done? Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang expression ng mukha niya nung sinabi ko ang tungkol sa amin ni Ambrose. Pag pumupikit ako nakikita ko ang mukha niya. How he shut his eyes tight to control his tears. And how he gave in for his sobs. At hindi ako matahimik. I was the cause of his misery. I've never seen him so sad and hurt. He just stood there and stared at me for few minutes.