Fool Me Twice -Editing - (Completed)

Chapter 25: Still

Ambrose's POV

What happened years ago when I left? When...when my baby died, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin matanggap.  Naririnig ko pa rin ang iyak niya tuwing pumipikit ako.  My chest tightened  as I looked  back, haunted by those memories I thought I'd buried in the past. Memories that scared me. Memories that put everyone I love in misery. 

 Was he a boy? Or a girl maybe, like Jess always wanted? It was so unfortunate that I didn't get the chance to find out. Our baby that I never had the chance to cuddle. Kasalanan ko kung bakit siya nawala. If I'd been honest with Jess, this could've avoided. Pero kahit ano'ng pagsisisi ang gawin ko, I will always have this guilty inside me as long as I live. Para itong multo na ayaw akong patahimikin.

Before I left for the US, I didn't know what to do. I was filled with so much anger. Remorse. Guilt. Nagalit ako kay Jess, pero mas nagalit ako sa sarili ko. I tried to fight back my frustration but I had to leave. Kapag hindi ako umalis, baka nabaliw na'ko. 

I hated Jess. I pushed her away. Because she was a constant reminder of an asshole I had been. Kapag nakikita kong miserable siya, pakiramdam ko, I put her in that mess.  Just by looking at her torn, I even thought of killing myself. 

So, I left her. I chose losing Jess forever than having this guilty feeling inside me, tormenting me. Each time she looked at me, it seemed her eyes were accusing me that I was the reason we lost our child. And I was. Pero hindi ko ito matanggap noon. So I tried escape. I left everything to have a new life.

And I left someone who kept my heart beating.

I left hoping to get a space all by myself. To heal my own wound and pick up the pieces again. Kahit hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan ang buhay ko nang hindi siya kasama. 

Lumayo ako. Somewhere I would never be ashamed of showing how devastated I was. Where I didn't need to pretend to be happy. Somewhere I could cry whenever I want.

Then I realized how selfish I was for leaving her. Hindi ko inisip kung ano ang mararamdaman niya, na masasaktan siya. Na pareho lang kaming nawalan. Mas inisip ko kung paano ko tatakasan ang sakit, takot at guilt na nararamdaman ko. Naging duwag ako. But I accepted what life had brought me. Without Jess, I already knew what my life would be, and I never asked for anything. I never complained. I embraced the pain, the misery. God knows how I hard I tried to forget her. But deep in my heart, there was still hope and longing. That someday, there would still be a chance for me and Jess.

When I went back to the Philippines, I never thought na magkikita pa kami. I was already losing hope  'till I saw her again. I told myself, I will make everything right. And I will do everything to have her back. Kahit na may boyfriend na siya. And I avoided the thought of her being married. Kahit na posibleng mangyari ito. Who knows? It's been years. 

Trust me, I prayed to every gods hoping she would still be single. That my same Jess, who's as hopeless romantic as ever is still waiting for me through the years.

So when she still uses her last name, my heart leaped. She could have been with anyone, but not married. So I started my plan. And I regretted the day I filed a divorce. She could've used my last name until now. But I had to do it. Chelsea and I had get to married. She needed me. As much as I needed her. When I was with Chelsea, it's a life I chose without Jess. Completely. I took every memories of her away. And it was like living in hell. It's like my life had been taken away from me.

Lagi akong nagkukulong sa kwarto. I was like a robot with voice command prompt. I would eat when I was told to eat, or to take a bath when reprimanded. When to shave or get a haircut. Bawat araw na lumilipas, parang napakabagal ng oras. Gusto kong lumipas na ang maraming taon. Kapag, nangyari ito, baka ibang tao na ako. At iba na ang nararamdaman ko. Pero hindi pala. It got worse each day.