BOSS 2 | COMPILATION OF ENTRIES

Entry#32: How to?

                How to react?

                She was about to say her morning greetings and kiss Coleen, her best friend since childhood, by the cheek like she used to; however, she received a strong slap instead. She was rather taken aback with Coleen's treatment. She was wearing her puzzled face when someone threw crumpled papers at her face. She pleaded but no one seemed to hear her pleas. The commotion ended when their first subject's professor came in. She immediately picked up the bag she dropped and proceeded to her seat at the back. She sighed when she saw Coleen make her way to the front. She is alone at the back, with no one to notice her presence. She focused then her attention to the lesson instead, but it seemed like she cannot. Questions were circling around her head. She did nothing to her best friend. She couldn't harm her. The day ended with Coleen throwing deadly stares at her. As much as she wanted to talk to her, Coleen seemed to avoid her. After the bell rang, she instantly grabbed her things and walked through the hallway with her head down. As soon as she got out of the school premises, she hailed a cab and went home alone like she used to, like the way she was when she hadn't met Coleen yet.

                How to smile?

                She has been thinking about her best friend. She undressed her school uniform and changed to her favorite pair of pajamas. She wearily laid to her comfortable bed and fathom why. Coleen's attitude towards her this morning was the scariest. What had she done to deserve that kind of stare from the person whom she trusted the most? From the only person who understood her? Coleen mistreated her in front of everyone. She did nothing but to accept that kind of harsh treatment. She hated herself for not fighting for herself. She hated herself for being her. She tried remembering what she had done that may cause Coleen's unconformity. She stood up and sat in front of the mirror as she ended up remembering nothing that may ever displease her. She loves her best friend so much, so much more than herself. She could not anything that might inflict her pain. She would rather hurt herself than do anything that may hurt her best friend. She is all that she had got. She knew Coleen knew that from the very start. She is the sister she has been longing for-- the only family she could ever count on. She forced a smile, yet the mirror in front of her tells that she is currently on the verge of crying. She smiled again, and it was successful. That kind of smile that can fool everyone. That kind of smile who can tell everyone she’s fine and nothing’s wrong with her life.

                How to contain?

                She found herself browsing their school's page later that night. She hadn't stop her tears as they fell out of her gray eyes. She should have known better. Of course the people around them would think bad about her meeting Christian coincidentally at the bookstore on the weekend. She faked a laugh as she remembered Coleen's treatment towards her earlier that day. Surely Coleen would feel bad. Who wouldn't? Christian is Coleen's dream man. Coleen has been drooling over Christian since Grade 8. And as her best friend, she held her feelings back. She loves so much that she would rather lose the only boy who captured her heart than losing the person who never gave up on her-- the only person who thought she is lovable. Coleen was her confidante since childhood. She tried wiping her tears away, but the more she contains her feelings, the more it bursts out. She remembered what happened on the weekend. They just talked about her favorite author, Sophie Kinsella. She had fun talking to Christian knowing they share a common interest. She never knew he is fond of Sophie Kinsella’s until that meeting. It was all. They didn't had coffee or movie; they just shared insights. They just talked. She knew nothing was wrong with. She turned off her laptop and placed it under her study table. She turned off the energy source in her apartment and found herself at the kitchen crying all over again. She knew she didn't do the flirting.  Her sobs filled the whole apartment. And there, she found her solitude.

                How to get up?

               

                She woke up feeling dizzy the next morning. As much as she wanted to ditch her classes the whole day, she can’t. Their Theology professor will be giving his exam, and she cannot afford not to take it. She headed to the bathroom and took her slowest shower. She combed her red long hair and tied it into a bun. She practiced her smiles on the mirror but failed. How could a lonely girl show off a genuine smile? She decided to took a bus on her way to school and regretted. There was Christian at the corner sitting beside no one. He waved his hand so she could recognize him, but she disregarded it. She was about to look for another vacant seat, but unfortunately there was none. She took all the courage and find herself sitting beside the man her heart is loving. There was a long silence. No one dared to speak up. "Sorry," Christian said. She looked deeply into his eyes and found sincerity. She smiled, a genuine one. "It was not your fault," she said. There was a long pause again. It was already inches away from their school when she stood up; she decided to take off the bus. She didn't want another issue. One is enough. She cannot afford another one.

                How to survive?

                Another day at school, another hell that she have to experience. She never expected Coleen would do unpleasant things to her. Coleen was so sweet. She loved her like a child. How could she? She was containing her emotions throughout the whole morning. She didn't want a fight. Coleen knew that, and she took advantage with it. She was heading her way to the cafeteria during the break when she heard groups talking about her behind her back. She felt uneasy. She wanted to shout at them and tell them the whole story. But she couldn't. No. She would never do it. She bought her food and decided to eat somewhere silent, in the botanical garden at the back of the dean's office. She was eating silently, afraid that someone may hear the way she chews her food. She was a half way of finishing her sandwich when her phone beeped. The beadle sent her message that their English teacher could not attend her classes. She immediately stood up and found her way to exit of the school. She sat at the waiting shed. She was deciding of riding a cab or taking the bus when someone sat beside her. She knew who it was: the scent and the presence. She smiled as she looked her way. It was Coleen, her best friend.

                How to live?

                "I'm sorry," they said in unison. They both laughed. She knew Coleen couldn't afford to lose her, same as she is. They loved each other; they cared for each other. It was just that Coleen had a greater life than her. She was raised up with a happily family, the only thing she was jealous of her. She looked up the sky and found it cloudy. It seemed it would rain. "I'm sorry but I couldn't be your best friend anymore, Ana," Coleen said. She was taken back. She never saw it coming. Coleen knew how much she hated surprises, yet she surprised her still. She knew Coleen could be so impulsive, yet she let her be. "With all the damage and pain I have inflicted upon you, I cannot be considered as your best friend anymore," Coleen added. She remained silent. She was never happy. Yes. She may smile, but she was never happy. It was like she was cursed not to feel happiness. She was doomed to be miserable, lonely and alone. Coleen tapped her back as she stepped away from her. Her best friend walked away, leaving her with no one but herself again. She heard her phone beep and got it from her pocket. She read each word of the message her mom sent her. "Your dad and I are finally annulled. I'm sorry honey," it said. She lift her head to the sky. She started wondering why. All her life she was good, yet she was not enough. Her tears started to fall down from her eyes as the tiny droplets of rain started to fall from the sky.

                How to die?

                She got no one again, alone all over again. She found herself at her favorite spot when she was younger, when she hadn't met Coleen yet, when her parents were continuously fighting with each other. She found the place soothing and relaxing. She knew from the very start that place would be the witness of her death.

                Yes. It was a cliff. Yes. She jumped off the cliff. Yes. For the first time in forever, she finally became happy.