how to love // z. m.

Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty-Eight

"Again!"

I rolled my eyes, smiling into the webcam on Addison's laptop, one of those high-end, high-dollar ones. I held up my left hand again, showing the engagement ring, my engagement ring, to my sister Andy for what felt like the two millionth, six thousandth, eight hundredth, and forty seventh time.

No, I didn't count. Just a guess that I have total confidence in.

"I can't believe my little sister is getting married too!" she grinned happily, no cares in the world as usual. She wasn't even stressed about her wedding. At all. No nerves. She knew for sure that Jake was the one for her.

I wish, in this situation, I could be as confident as her.

My hands were still shaking from the proposal last night, from my answer last night. Last night on that hotel rooftop in Los Angeles, thousands of miles away.

I'm on the plane ride back to New York City right now. I've really missed it. Traveling does that to a person. No matter how amazing the places you're visiting are, home is the most amazing. For me, anyway. New York City tends to be one of those amazing places people travel to. And so does Hawaii, my other home that I haven't been to since I was thirteen, nearly five years ago.

All that is beside the point, though. I'm scared.

I'm scared of getting married.

So, why did I agree?

I know it's what's right. I love David, and since that's true, we'd end up getting married some day anyway, so why not just do it now, instead of waiting 'til I'm, like, thirty?

I used to not think this hard about anything. I guess that's me growing up. I have to grow up if I'm going to get married in a year or two. For David's sake, I've got to grow up.

I looked up around me at the plane. The boys all took separate flights, ones that left earlier, probably for business reasons. So, it was just me, Addison, David (who was in the bathroom at the moment), and a bunch of strangers.

I could think of a million funny, entertaining things I could do on this plane right now that wouldn't take more than a minute, and it would be the most memorable thing ever for most of the people on this flight, but like I said, I've got to grow up.

I looked down at my lap. This is exactly what I was trying to stop Zayn from doing. From growing up. And what came out of it? I, Toni Shay, now have to grow up and become an adult. It's sad, really. It's as depressing as seeing Peter Pan as a wrinkly old man. No one would've ever thought it possible. I know I didn't.

"Toni?" I looked up and saw that I was still video chatting with Andy.

"Oh, uhm..." I glanced around the screen for the end button. "I gotta go. I'll see you when I see you." I gave her a quick smile before clicking the X in the top right-hand corner of the screen, then typed in Playlist.com to the search engine Addie has set for her laptop.

When it came up, I looked up . I remembered hearing it in Step Up Revolution, and it was really beautiful. I don't exactly listen to songs like this, but in this case, I think I can make an exception.

Before pressing play, I took out a pair of headphones and plugged them in, putting them over my ears. I leaned back and closed my eyes as I let it play on loop.

___________________________________________________________

Suddenly I was floating. I was above the rooftop that David had proposed to me on. And I could see everything. I could see me, interrupting David with a kiss when he was speaking too much, apologizing for something I'd already forgiven him for the moment I saw that he'd bothered to fly across the country just for me.

But I could also see Zayn, the hurt look in his eyes when I did what I did.

He bit his lip because of anxiety, and he put his hands on his hips, looking up at the starless sky caused by the intense colourful city lights.

It was a full moon that night. The moon was so massive. It looked like an entire backdrop to this setting. It could've swallowed us up.

I heard David whisper the words that had been stuck in my head, giving me a headache, from the moment I first heard them consciously. "Marry me."

Since I hadn't gotten to see before, I looked over from my perch to see Zayn's reaction to this. But it didn't even look like there was one.

He was just still. His face was blank, and all of his muscles were tightened up. His fists, which were now hanging down by his sides, were, too. His nearly black eyes looked even darker, but they didn't look mad. They looked scared. And that really confused me.

His eyes were glued on me, watching every move I made, hearing every word I spoke, like it was all so important.

And then David was starting to walk in his general direction, though he was looking down at his feet and therefore didn't notice Zayn standing there. And the me that was on the roof with them said yes.

The moment that word left my mouth, Zayn was gone. He shook his head and ran away, to the stairs, and the me that was hovering above this mess followed him. Down the staircase, through the halls, through the lobby, and out to the city.

He looked around, tears not yet falling, but it was obvious that was only because he was trying so hard to keep them from doing so.

I just wanted to reach over and pull him into my arms, to hug him. To tell him that even though I was getting married, it didn't mean that we'd be any less close, that we'd drift away from the best friend status that we proudly wore together.

But I couldn't, and I don't know why.

He walked quickly down the street, down the block, for a long time before stopping in front of a bar. He went in and slapped down a bill onto the counter, requesting a drink. No, demanding it.

The moment the bartender set the glass down, it was in Zayn's hands, being brought to his lips. He chugged it, and had the bartender get him another. And another. And another. Until I couldn't even understand the words coming out of his mouth, but the well-trained bartender could, and he kept serving him.

And all this...

All this was because of me?

___________________________________________________________

I jumped when I woke up, my heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

My dream...

Did that really happen? Is that how Zayn reacted?

I felt my forehead, and it felt slightly damp. I let my hand fall back onto my lap, but it touched a keyboard instead. I looked down to see the laptop still there.

I groaned slightly and slammed it shut. I looked next to me to see David back in his seat, but now fast asleep.

The music was still coming from the laptop even though it was closed, and I looked out the window next to me to the night sky, silently assuring myself that I'd made the right decision, but something inside of me kept telling me otherwise.