Taking Command Book 1 (Kylux) (#Wattys2016)

Chapter Twelve: Doubt

Kylo PoV

I did not know what had just happened. All I knew was that I was shocked, confused, and angry enough to want to drop Hux out of the garbage hatch of the ship.

The nerve he had! He had... kissed me. Unwarranted, and unprovoked, he had thought it in his favor to physically endeavor to stimulate my emotions.

And yet, there was a part of me that had enjoyed it, however vaguely. It had been fleeting, yet exhilarating. I blamed those emotions on the fact that at the time I had been busy battling the pull of the light. It was a struggle I had faced every waking moment of my existence since my choice to join Snoke.

I had to grow stronger, I had to become immune to the pull of the Light Side. I could not be distracted by fleeting feelings and fickle emotions. Hux would have to control himself. In all honesty, this was becoming relatively ridiculous. Ever since I had found out about his feelings, things between us had gone from bad to worse.

I could not stand for this. When we returned, I would go to the Supreme Leader. He could put a stop to it. I needed to get rid of people who would hinder my path.

I took of my helmet and set it on the table beside the little bunk in the cabin, and I laid down on the bed. It was not overly comfortable, but I was tired. The past few nights had seen me get little sleep as I had been plagued by visions of the strangest sort. A woman, one with a blue lightsaber, chasing someone in a snowy forest. That was the least random. Others involved my father, his companion, my uncle, and others I had known in my old life.

Why did the past insist on haunting me?! I wanted to discard it, yet it clung to me, like an unwanted parasite. I desired to become strong like my grandfather, and that meant letting go of those old ways. I wanted to scream! I wished I could not even remember my past, but I could.

As I lay in the bunk, I extended my Force senses to the General. He seemed nervous, yet pleased with himself. He would regret his brashness later. I wondered what had possessed him to do something like that. He was the most overly disciplined and stiff person I had ever met. He seemed like the last person who would ever do something like that, yet he had done it. I wondered what his story was, if he had felt that way about men all his life, or if military life had worked some strange change in him.

I stopped myself. Once again, why did I care? It was honestly, none of my concern and it should not have irritated me as much as it did. I should not be so emotionally invested and curious about this man. I should just forget that anything happened between us.

I wished it were that simple. For the rest of the flight, I could not quit thinking about him, just wondering about him for the most part, but dwelling upon him nonetheless. It was like a new addiction, only I wished it would leave me alone.

When we reached Kamino, Hux was cold and distant, reminiscent of his original attitude. I accepted that with the fact that I had given vent to my temper in his direction post kiss. I realized that that was also, most likely, for the better. The more distant he was, the less likely I was to be drawn to him, right? I hoped so. I did not need to be doubting myself at such a crucial time. We were about to break into a highly secured area to find a data chip hidden by a skilled smuggler. Now was not the time to be obsessing over generals or wallowing in self doubt.