Unnerving the God of Mischief (Loki Comedy)

Chapter 53: "Do I look fat in that new catsuit?"

Meanwhile at STARK TOWER...

(Third Person's P.O.V.)

"Do I look fat in that new catsuit, Clinty-boo...?"  Natasha purred and spun around in front of the mirror.

"Yes, of course, darling...."  Her fiancé replied with heavy eye lids, trying not to fall asleep.

"WHAT?!" 

He startled up and accidentally spilled his cup of coffee on his pants. 

"Shit...."  He cursed.  "No, I meant - Sorry, I was asleep, my love. But asking me if you look fat is like asking me what colour the sky is."  Barton tried to save himself.

But his sleepiness was befuddling his brain in that moment. His darling and the future mother of his child had not granted him good sleep for the past 7 months. 

Hormone-driven and with mood changes, it was hard not to feel annoyed around the Black Widow. She wasn't only annoying, she was needy and required attention the entire time, at day and night. 

"Seriously? Like,  'Am I fat, darling?' - 'Blue.' ? Is that the best answer you can give, Clint?" 

"No, no - "

"I asked you if was fat, now answer properly!" 

"No, you're not! You look beautiful!" 

"LIAR! I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!"  She cried and tackled him. 

"Yes! If you want this answer, yes! You do look fat with your huge belly in your black, skin-tight catsuit! Better, now?!" 

"HOW DARE YOU!" 

You'd say it was impossible to tackle a trained and male master assassin while carrying a ball in front of you, but apparently nothing was impossible for pregnant and angry Natasha.

"DO YOU NOT REALISE THAT NO MATTER WHAT I ANSWER, YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO KILL ME?!"

"Clint..." 

"NO CLINT! CLINT HAS ENOUGH, CLINT WANTS HIS DAILY SLEEP AND HIS FREEDOM AND HIS SHIRTS BACK! I AM NOT YOU PUNCHING BAG JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED A CHILD, FOR CRY'S SAKE!" 

"Clint..." 

"AND I'M NOT GOING TO - "

"CLINT!" 

"WHAT?!" 

"The - The baby. It's coming." 

"Wha- What do you mean by 'the baby is coming' ?! Can't you just - you know - hold it? Like a piss?" 

"Clint, you ignorant ido - ARGH!" 

"What?!"

"Listen, you have to get me an ambulance!"

"Right, ambulance! Ah, ah - JARVIS! Get me an ambulance, now!" Barton shouted, thinking shouting at thin air will get Tony's system to answer him.

"I am sorry, Sir."  He replied with his British computer voice. "I am Mr. Stark's butler and household, therefore I can not take orders from somebody else." 

"But - But my assassin girlfriend went surprisingly fast into active labour! And I have no mobile phone!"

"Are you Anthony Stark, Sir?"

"Hell, no!" 

"Then I can not call you an ambulance." 

"DAMN YOU! YOU LITTE PRYING PANDORA! YOU LITTLE DEMON - "

"CLINT! NO PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IMITATIONS NOW!" 

"I mean - YOU STUPID BUNCH OF COMPUTER SHIT, GET MY GIRLFRIEND AN AMBULANCE OR I WILL PULL YOUR PLUGS!" 

"Are you now Anthony Stark, Sir?" 

"NO AND I WON'T EVER BE IN THIS CURSED LIFETIME!"

"Then I can not take orders from you. But you may try with the emergency button on the wall." 

"Emergency button, emergency button - right! There it is!" 

With that, Barton ran to the other side of the huge room on the last floor of the rebuilt tower, pushed the button and waited.

Stark's voice sounded through the intercoms.

"Hey, hoe! Tony here, and this is my emergency button you just pushed. Yes, mine. MINE. As a punishment, thou shalt not receive any help until you find out what I love the most on Earth. You have three tries." 

"Uh, uh - Alcohol!" 

"Nope! Try again!"

"Babes?"

"D'awww... You apparently know me too well. But no. Last try, buddy." 

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHITTY PASSWORD! COME ON!"  Clint began to yell at the button. "This is all Loki's fault! Stark would still be here if that bastard didn't - "

"Wow, thou have guessed right. The right answer is: Loki." 

Nat and Clint:   -.- ' 

"He must've been drunk when he recorded that." 

"Sure thing."  Tasha responded and tried to prepare for giving birth. 

"Now, JARVIS! Do what I told you!"  Barton urged the rather intelligent computer system.

"Yes, Sir. I will now call an ambulaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance - " 

"Hey! What happened, Clint?!"

"I think - I think it's a blackout. Doesn't this building run on its own energy? Huh? WHERE THE HELL IS STARK WHEN WE NEED HIM TO FIX HIS OWN SHIT?!"

"CLINT! Calm down, I need you now." Natasha panted and dragged him closer.

"Get me a - a needleoshka, a scissoruski and cook them in a bowl of hot wada." 

"I don't speak Russian!"

"WELL LEARN IT! I AM GIVING BIRTH ANY MINUTE NOW!" 

"Well, then... I think - "

"Don't think! Just take my hand and tell me if it's crowning." 

"You mean I have to look - No! No way!" 

"DO IT!" 

"Okay, okay! Uh, it can't be seen yet." 

"DAMN IT! ARRGHHHHHH! AND NOW?!"

"Aye! There it - iiiiiiis......"  And the superspy and agent passed out.

"You can't be serious, Clint! Wake up!"

 ********* 

*baby crying*

" *unidentifiable and opaque babbling*  T-Tasha? Are you - okay?" 

"Clint, I - "

"OH MA GERRD! IT'S A - A KATNISS!" 

"Idiot..."  She groaned holding a newborn in her arms. "Yes, it's a girl." 

"Did you do, you know, all that alone?" 

"Yes, because my stupid boyfriend passed out at the sight of a birth." 

"And the blood?" 

"Already cleaned that away. And bathed the baby. And fed it. And you're barely up."

"You'll be a super-mommy, darling."

A/N: D'Awwww.... Thanks to CowgirlChic007 for the idea! 

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