I'll Stay

Ch.27

The uber shortly arrived at the clinic. I already played for the ride online so I left the car as soon as we arrived.

I haven't been here in a while so its gonna take some time to get comfortable all over again. Honestly this isnt how I wanted to spend my mom birthday, but what can I do what happened happened.

I take a deep breath and push the door open walking into the familiar building taking everything in again.

I walk over to the receptionist and see a new face. Instead of the red head that normally sat here, it's now a brunette with a pixie cut. I walk over and tell her my appoint and she points over to hallway D the one I always go to.

She doesnt seem bad but I will miss Susan. Even though i never said a word to her that didnt have anything to do with my appointment.

I walk over to hallway D and stop at the familar door to the right. A part of me wanting me to turn the other way and just go home, and the other part yelling at me telling me it's for my own good.

"Open the door Novah." Lindsey says from the other side of the door retrieving me from my spiraling thoughts. How did she even know I was out here.

I open the door, closing it behind me as I walk in. I plop down on the couch in front of her and she observes me closely.

"How've you been Novah, it's been a while since we met. So fill me in on what's been happening with you, like how do you feel now after the psych ward" She asks me getting her clipboard out. Ok I guess were getting right into it.

"The psych ward wasnt what I expected it to be. I arrive there feeling like I would feel 100 time better after I left, but in reality i felt way worse. That facility made be lose my shit and made me feel like I was insane. I couldn't tell time. My days were repetitive, I just felt like I was in a simulator. I felt like I was a kid being babysat and under surveillance. The only thing good that came out of that facility was my roommate paulina.

We understood eachother and ended up being friends after we both got admitted out." I rub my hands on my face in frustration. I'm honestly still so pissed about that psycward.

"If I'm going to be honest it depends on which facilitie you go to. Now a days it all based on the environment you're in. Some have awesome workers who actually care about your mental health and want to help you improve and the others just want to get paid."

"The psych ward didnt help, we know that now. It doesnt mean that there aren't any other ways to improve you're mental health. You're already on track with going to therapy, and from what you've told me you surround yourself with great people. Another thing you can try is journaling your feelings. If you don't want to talk to anyone or vent, then write your feelings down." Lindsey suggests.

Honestly I'm really grateful for Lindsey, she seems like she really does care about me getting better. If you would've told 1 year ago me that I would be telling myself that I'm grateful for my therapist I'd call you insane.

Our session goes by quickly and before you know it one hour is over. "Ok Novah as you know our session is over, so just remember to try to give yourself an opening for happiness. You deserve it so dont feel guilty for having some type of feelings for valen. Also dont forget to try to journal. See you next Monday Novah, Call me if you ever feel the need to talk to someone"

~•~

So much was weighted on my mind before my session but i left feeling half as shitty as i did so I'm somewhat happy.

I decided to stop by a bakery to get a birthday cake for my mom which I'll probably just eat in one sitting. Midway my session with Lindsey I decided to give my mom a birthday celebration because she deserved one.

I opted on the lilac flower cake with the words 'Happy Birthday Mom' imprinted on it. I'm gonna get drunk tonight I just know it. It's the only way I'm gonna get through this.

~•~

I was sat in the floor my legs spread out with cake on my left and a bottle of whiskey on my left. I'm a mess, I'm getting drunk on my own mothers. Fuck it right? I take a swig of the whiskey and grab a handful of the cake and lay on the floor.

I'm actually insane. They should have medication for this shit bro. For some reason I start rolling around my floor singing the birthday song for my mom. Yelling on the top of my lungs like a lunatic. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY- BIRTHSAY DEAR MAMA HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU." I yell on the top of my lung tears streaming out my eyes like I was the only one left in this planet.

Fuck I miss you mom, you don't even know how much. I miss your hugs. I miss you braiding my hair. I miss you teaching me about boys. I miss you secretly talking shit about dads outfit choices. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I miss your presence. I miss you

It's so fucking unfair that I'm here fucking wasted with cake smeared on my face rolling on the foor with tears streaming down my face like a fucking mad woman and you're not.

You should be living your best life, you got taken too early.

Happy Birthday Mom, I'll see you soon. I say hiccuping with tears streaming down my face as I take a swig of my whiskey.

Thank you for reading this chapter it means so much to me that yall have gotten this far, see you guys in the next chapter dont forget to vote. Love yalll

Xoxo