I'll Stay

Ch.8

Its Friday. I have therapy again today. I'm just not feeling it today. I dont know why. I just feel like shit today. I feel numb and empty. I'm emotionless. I dont even want to get out of bed, better yet even go to school.

But if I dont get out of bed them I'm breaking my promise to my parents. So I'll get out of bed. I'll put on my best mask, and go to school.

I get inside the shower and stare at the wall right in front of me. My mind is blank. My face is blank. My feelings. Blank. I have no feelings. I want to feel something anything. Why cant I feel anything. God just give me something to feel fuck please. I feel like I'm going insane.

I get out the shower, and look at my counter. I see the blade on the counter. Maybe that would make me feel something, anything.

I grab the blade and drop down on the floor of my bathroom not caring that I'm in nothing but a towel.

I glide the blade on my thigh feeling the cold metal on my skin. I look at the past scars and feel a wave of guilt wash through me, I just needed to feel something. I press the blade on my thigh and give it a sharp glide. I see the blood I drew and repeat the same steps over and over again until I feel the pain forming. Until I finally feel something.

~•~

I decided to wear my grey sweats and a white cropped tank top. I wore a grey zip up hoodie and left it unzipped so my belly button ring is visible since I'm starting to fuck with it more. I can still feel the pain of the cuts on my thighs. I'm not happy about my decision but I cant go back, I can only hope that this is the last time.

I leave my apartment and hear the door next to me open. This time it isnt valen, it a girl. A really pretty one too, I've seen her at school. Right behind her was valen seeing her out the door and saying goodbye the girl gave him a passionate kiss before they parted. We make eye contact for a second before I broke it off and went on my way. I'm glad he found someone. It's better this way.

~•~

"Hey Novah, guess what" Michelle said to me excited about something. I feel bad that I have to fake my emotions with her, shes always so happy and upbeat and I can never match her energy. It's not fair to her. She deserves someone better. "What's up?"
"NICK ASKED ME OUTTT" She yelled in my face doing a mini celebration."Oh my gosh I'm so happy for you Mich, so when are you guys going out" I asked trying to seem interested in the conversation as if intrusive thoughts weren't sworming my mind.

"Tonight at 9, actually can I come over so you can help me get ready?" She asked still excited about the news she just shared. "Yea come over 6:30, I gotta head to class I'll see you later" I tell her and say goodbye.

She needs a better friend. I'm not suit for this position.

I already gave the coach my sign up sheet for track. Try out was last week and I made the team. We're having practice next Wednesday. At least I have something to get my mind of my thoughts

~•~

Schools over now and I have therapy again. I actually think I'm going to cancel today. I've just not been feeling it today, but at the same time I know it's good for me and maybe it'll help me. So I'll go.

I arrived at the clinic and see the same red head receptionist named Susan. I Greet her and go to hallway D and knock in the familiar door. "Come in Novah and take a seat" Lindsey said inviting me in.

I take a seat on the couch in front of her, and also grab the throw pillow next to me to fiddle with. "So Novah how do you feel today" She starts off asking me. "Same as usual. Numb" I say with no emotion in my face. "I cant feel anything. I didnt even want to get out of bed. I feel empty" I said with no emotion in my face