I'll Stay

Ch.9

His hand was gripped on my neck as he trailed kisses down my jaw and slowly making his way on my neck. I couldnt control myself or the way he made feel, its was hard to conceal them when this Greek god in front of me is kissing my neck.

"Dont hold back, I wanna hear how i make you feel Novah" He said still tracing kisses down my neck. He takes off his shirt before attaching his lips back on mine. I trail my fingers down his torso until I feel a scar. He feel my hands on his body and freezes.

He breaks the kiss and looks down to were my hand is.

"I'm sorry I should have-" I try to apologize realizing I crossed my boundaries. "No it's cool, it's just a scar" He says obviously lying. This scar means something to him and I just brought memories that were buried deep back to him. "Its just a scar I got when I was a kid" he says trying to get off the topic.

"I understand, I'm sorry again. What about June" I try to switch up the topic since he isnt comfortable with it. "Shes asleep, hey you wanna come back to my place. We could watch a movie or something." He says scratched his head nervously.

I agree to meet him at his apartment after I changed since it was hot and I was in sweats. I changed into cotton short and a tank top and wore my long socks with crocs and head out.

I knock on his door and hear him yell come in. I opened the door to see him in the kitchen grabbing snacks from his cabinet. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right there I need to wash my hands."He says. I sat on the couch waiting for him.

I hear the tap turn on for about 7 seconds then off thinking he was coming back. Then I heard it again, and again and again.

~•~

Me and Valen are now watching this show called F.R.I.E.N.D.S and I notice his focus is not on the tv anymore but on my thighs. Fuck.

I pull the hem of my short trying to cover the scars and recent cuts on my thighs. He got up and went to his room and came back with a marker. He moved my hand of my thighs and started to draw stars on each scar he saw visible. He didnt say anything and kept drawing stars.

No one had ever done that moreover even reacted this way before.

He puts the last star on the biggest scar on my thigh and lays on my lap looking up at the ceiling. What do I do. Do I tell him to get off or do I touch his hair as comfort ? I've never been in this position before

"Can we stay friends" I said breaking the silence. I'm not ready to commit to anyone right now, I'm not sure if that's what he even wanted, but I just need to make that clear right now. I'm not in the correct mental state to commit to anyone right now that would be selfish on my part and unfair to him.

He looked disappointed as if that kiss was suppose to lead somewhere into a deeper relationship. He doesnt even know me.

"Ok" was all he said as if he wanted to say more but stopped himself for the better. I'm glad he understands. It's for his own good. He deserves better, not me.

~•~

I left valens place 5 minutes after our short convo about staying just friends. It wouldnt be fair to him to dump all my life problems on him when he has a whole future ahead of him. I dont want to be a burden on anymore people.

His whole mood was off after that convo. I know he didnt like my decision but he'll be thanking me in the future.

I hear a ding on my phone and see Michelle icon pop up.
"BABEEEE HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIENDDDDDDD AHAHAHGHDNFJF"
I look down at my phone hating myself for not feeling happy or enthusiastic for her. I'm such a shitty friend. "Congrats, happy 4 you Mich" I replied.

I put my phone down on my night stand and get up to go get my water to take my medication for my nightmares.

I get the medice bottle and its light, Fuck. I open it up still praying and hoping a pill is still left and I'm met with nothing. How did I not know there was no more.

I have 2 choices, I can either sleep knowing I'll have the worst nightmares ever or I don't sleep. I hate having nightmares so much they just throw me off the whole day, so looks like I'm having an all nighter.

I'll just go to the park and walk around. Maybe not the safest idea but I have nothing better to do. The park lights are usually always on at night and its quiet.

Some people think going out at night is dangerous and creepy especially when its 11:47 PM, and they're not wrong. I change out of my short into some sweats and put on a random hoodie.

I grab my waterbottle which I filled with coffee, my keys, and my wallet. I slide on my crocs and walk out the door.

~•~

A downside about this is me being alone on this walk to the park and being left alone with my thoughts. This was probably not the best idea now that I think about especially not when I'm on a depressive episode.

~•~

Do I even want to be here tomorrow. This world sucks.

Life is basically a shitty simulator, you wake up, eat, go to school or work and repeat all over again. All for what? Money.

Money is one of the main source of our problems in this word. Some people have it and some don't. For some of the people who do have money they think they can control people with it, they think that the green paper in their hands gives them the right to mistreat people. And for the ones who dont have money, struggle. Lifes automatically 20x harder because they didnt hit the jackpot like others. They get looked down upon, mistreated and made fun of all, all cause of what. I'll never understand.

This world isn't a good place, trust me. So why wake up everyday, why feel this same shitty emotion every day, why wake up repeating the same cycle over and over and over again. Its pointless, and I'm getting tired of it. My will to live is decreasing more and more, and one of these days its gonna get to 0.

Thankssss 4 reading chapter 9, it means so much to me for getting this far of the story I have great plans 4 this book and I'm glad yall are there to watch em come 2 life cya in chapter 10

Xoxo