Your soldier (Itzy Yeji X Male Reader)

Chapter 19

Perspective: Yeji

I don't know what to say. It feels like (y/n) is able to say the words that I can't. My guilt grows even stronger. I'm the one who broke up with him. I should apologize. At this point, I don't care what JYP thinks. I love (y/n). And I don't think I can let him go without making sure that he will come back to me.
At first, I don't realize it, but I slowly begin to sob again, hearing his words.
"You being save was the only thing that kept me going during those last months. It reminded me why I do this job. To keep everyone safe. To keep you safe."
Tears roll down my cheeks. I feel him sigh heavily. It must be really hard for him to say these things.
I hug his arm, wishing that we could stay like this forever. No worries. No problems. Nothing. Only the two of us.

Perspective: (y/n)

I look at Yeji leaning against me. I don't know what else to do. The words I spoke just now. I didn't expect them to leave my mouth. I never really thought about them. But after not seeing Yeji for such a long time, they feel like the truth.
I took out her picture every chance I got. I looked at it, imagining the two of us together. Maybe going on a picnic at the river again. Something like this.
But I know she can't. And I know I can't.
"Please don't leave again."
Yeji's voice sounds weak and I'm surprised she is managing to say something.
"I need you in my life."
I lean my head against the glass behind me. This is too difficult. But during the last days, I realized that I sometimes don't have complete control over my actions. Just like that time when I almost strangled Panther. I can't let the same happen to Yeji. I can't be with her when I'm so broken. But she is probably not going to understand.
"Yeji."
I think very carefully about my next words.
"You are a great woman. And I would love to be with you."
She seems to become stiff in my arms. As if she already knows what I say next.
"But I can't be with you. Not right now. Over the last month I had difficult times. Very difficult ones. And I can't love you as much as you deserve, while I carry that stuff with me around."
She looks up at me. Her eyes teary.
"What are you saying? I can help you with what ever you go through. I promise I will help you."
I kiss her forehead. Even in a situation like this, she looks so cute.
"You can't. I'm sorry."
"Just tell me what it is. We can do it together."
I feel myself flinch at the thought. I could never tell Yeji what happened. Or what I did.
"That's not possible. I have to do it alone."
Yeji looks up at me. Her eyes sorrowful but also somewhat understanding.
"How long?"
The words seems to be stuck in her throat.
"How long will it take?"
Her whisper makes me wrap my arms around her tighter.
"I don't know."
I wonder if I can ever open up to her. Probably not.
"The only thing I can do is wait?"
I pat her head. And just nod. I'm unable to think about the future. What happens if I don't get better? I don't want to wake up one night, seeing Yeji lifeless next to me. Because I strangled her when I was sleeping.
My throat dries up at the thought of it.
"I will come to you, once I'm better."

It feels weird as I sit down again. The atmosphere is kinda heavy and I feel everyone look at me and Yeji. Lia's eyes are glued to my forearms, which are exposed since I gave my uniform to Yeji, who is still shivering a little. A couple of scars mark them, some deeper and darker than others. I know Yeji saw them already as well. The worried look on her face is evidence enough. I hate that they all look at me like this. As if I'm a little boy who got hurt and needs to be taken care of. I'm totally fine. At least physically.

My muscles are burning. I can barely lift myself off the ground as I keep going. I don't even know how many I did. I stopped counting as I reached a hundred. The clock shows I have been doing push ups for four hours now. How many is that? I groan as I lower myself once more, before getting up.
I didn't feel any pain or exhaustion up until now. The anger at myself and the therapist was too strong. The way she asked me those stupid questions and the way she talked down on me. All of it made me storm out of her office. She said she could relate. How? How can she relate to the stuff we have been through?

I feel my vision getting darker as I keep going. I'm sweating heavily. My palms are already stuck to the floor. I don't know if I can keep seeing that therapist. But I have to. If I want be with Yeji comfortably. I want to be with her without having to worry that I lose control any moment.
Shouting in frustration, I get up from the floor, slowly walking through the building. Once I stand in front of the glass doors of her office, I don't bother knocking. I can't feel my arms anyways. Except for that burning sensation.
Walking inside, I see her sitting at her desk. She told me her name when we started a couple of hours ago, but I forgot. And I don't really care. I hope I won't see her ever again, once I'm done with this.
"Have you decided to give it another shot?"
Her dumb smile makes me want to punch her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm usually not this physical. But I'm really annoyed by her.
"Sit down, please."
The leather sofa feels as uncomfortable as before.
"Would you like to pick up where we left off?"
I shrug my shoulders.
"Can you tell me a little about your stay in Cameroon?"
I force my hands into fists. My vision becomes a tunnel. I feel like I relive the month that I spend there. Every single moment. Horror.

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Hi everyone!
I hope you are enjoying the story.
This chapter was supposed to be emotional, but I'm honestly not very good with talking about feelings and stuff. I hope you guys like it though.

Have a nice day!