Going For The Gap

Indeed

I've been looking toward to the holidays in Monaco the moment I heard the request.

Holidays at home have always been more business event than family affair, but this week has been absolutely heaven.

We stay at his mothers late, and leave Charles' place early. The days are filled with game after game, coffee all hours of the day and laughter. Although we haven't had sex once since landing back here, quite odd for us.

Nevertheless a very happy holiday, indeed.

But despite all the holiday cheer, Charles still seems a bit down. He's smiling all Christmas but I know him well enough to see the sadness behind his eyes.

And I know it's more than just going a few days without sex. Or jet lag.

He's not even been interested he's been so much in his head. I've let it slide, blaming it on the long days sigh his family. Now that the presents are all opened, and the coffee starts to make its rounds Charles is nowhere to be found.

The moment I found the round the corner and catch him in the hallway I know just what's been bothering him.

Charles is standing before one of his fathers pictures, shoulders slumped and wordless.

Even from here I can feel his mind spinning.

His hurt.

Everyone always said holidays are when you miss the lost the most, and now I can see that's true for him.

If I had ever spend a holiday with my mama I might feel the same.

Bud one broken heart between the two of us is more than enough. My own cracks just seeing him like this.

"Ciao," I greet him softy, putting my head over his shoulder behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist.

In the picture his father is by the ocean, beaming smile on his face and a newborn son in hand for a black and white moment of time that has transfixed Charles. He relaxes into my touch with a deep exhale, leaning his head against mine.

My poor soft hearted man.

I'd ask if he's okay, but the words would be wasted. He isn't okay. I can feel it.

"He looks kind." I offer instead, giving Charles a window to talk if he wants.

"He was. I wish you could have met him." He's barely speaking above a whisper, voice full of emotion.

Me too.

I'd give anything for them to have had more time together.

But time is the one thing we can never get back.

Slowly Charles starts to cry, not making a sound but his hands are shaking. My heart absolutely shatters for him.

Pulling him into my arms, I hold onto him like our lives depend on it. He crumbles into my touch, leaning on me for support to even stay on his feet as the emotions pour out of him.

It's so much.

Too much.

I close my own eyes, scratching his back to keep myself from crying with him. It's my turn to be strong for him now.

I can't imagine the pain of the loss, they were so close. In Charles' eyes his father could have hung the moon and he has never dared to speak a bad word against him. His father molded him into who he is, and the loss had changed Charles forever. But when people mean so much to you the hole in your heart isn't so easy to brush over.

He always says it made him a better man, and I know his father would be so proud of how Charles been in spite of the pain. He is truly a wonder.

He's been through more than most people twice his age, but is one of the kindest people I've ever known. 

"I've got you," I promise, squeezing him and my eyes shut. Everything else melts away.

I'm so lucky to know him. To love him. To be the one that gets to hold him, and that's not lost on me.

"I'm sorry," He finally speaks, pulling away to look at me with tears still in his eyes.

Pressing my finger lightly against his lips,"Never apologize for this. I'm so proud of the man that you are, and he is too."

This at least I know is true. Charles presses his lips to my forehead, kissing me hard.

"As am I." His mother wraps her arms around us, holding on tightly. We'd been so lost in our own little world I hadn't even noticed her presence. 

We stand there for ages, until Charles finally stops shaking. With a deep exhale he pulls away and wipes his face. "I'll be right back," He promises, stepping in the direction of the wash room.

But his mother grabs his hand, looking at her son with all the love in the world. "You do his memory honor everyday Charles. Ti amo, figlio." She slips into Italian and mercifully not french for my sake.

Either way the words mean everything to him, it's clear on his face. He kisses her hand in gratitude and walks away from us both. Standing a bit taller than before now.

She takes my arm, holding me close. "Forget the coffee, it's time for wine."

Yup, I definitely love her. "I couldn't agree more."