Going For The Gap

The Storm Inside

The next two weeks pass just like the last.  Flight, Work, Data, Work, Study Data, Work, Party, Daniel, Flight, Repeat.

Charles doesn't speak to me outside of interviews. My Papá hasn't made it to any more races, claiming he's busy at the Ferrari factory and I'm missing his presence far more than normal. Jay doesn't call again either. To that affect, neither do I.

I don't feel myself a bit. The only upside is if I can make it through race day and tonight, I can get more weed in America. Thank God. It's hot as balls in Japan and I'm so off kilter I'm not even wearing black.

Now that should say something.

Charles has Charlotte in the paddock the last two weeks again, and it's the talk of the track if they are back together again or not. Blessedly, she didn't make it to Japan so I'm spared having to fake through the interest again. I don't want to smile about it. I want to stop my foot. I want to act like the upset child I feel like.

But I can't allow that. If I allow a little bit, it'll be a flood. This is still my first few weeks on the job and I can't risk psycho Amelia coming out.

So I don't. I remain calm, cool and collected in spite of the storm I feel like inside.

All the way until I'm forced to interview Charles post-race on his win. Not forced, privileged? Ugh, I don't know anymore. Being on the road is wearing on me. Not being with him is wearing on me.

"Congratulations on another win Charles," My heart is beating so hard I honestly think I might pass out right where I stand "Looks like the modifications the team made help to reducing the bouncing a lot, what did it feel like in the car today?"

"Better. Surprised to see you not in black today Amelia," Charles licks his lips, gaze hot as he tests me going off script. Yup, definitely on the verge of a heart attack now. He realizes this is live right?

"Suppose it takes an eye for detail to be a formula one driver," I recover, thanking my lucky fucking stars. "It was devastating to see Carlos have to DNF today, any issues the team is concerned about going into Miami." My eyes are searching his, literally begging him to stay on topic here.

"Yes, er, we will need to look into measures to prevent overheating but should be no problem. The cars have been great in the heat lately." He complies with my unspoken wishes.

"Certainly looks like Ferrari is the team to beat, thank you Charles." He moves on, a thousand things unsaid between us swimming in our eyes.

Honestly, what the hell was that?

It's all I can think about. The very second we wrap for the day, my legs carry me straight to the Ferrari garage. I'm fucking livid and he needs to know. My work is everything to me, and I won't tolerate him jerking me around on a chain just for his own entertainment.

I don't notice anything around me, knocking on his door furiously. I don't care who see's, I'm fuming. My hand is still raised when he yanks it open and for a moment we just stand there staring at each other, taking each other in.

Charles is still in his suit, but this time lacking his flame retardant shirt with the abs that have haunted me exposed. Fuck.

Neither of us brave enough to speak, he steps aside and gives me way to enter his room. What I'd planned to yell comes out as barely a whisper now "What the hell was that about Charles?"

"You look different it all." His shrug is casual. This means nothing to him, and it absolutely infuriates me.

"Please don't use my job like some toy to pass around messages you don't have the balls to say off mike." I'm glaring at him, and now he is returning the look.

"Don't have the balls?" His tone just as angry as mine "I assure you my dear, I'll say whatever I want to you." He steps closer as if that makes his words more believable.

Sure he would. "No you don't. You haven't spoken to me in weeks." I challenge him, raising an eyebrow. I know I'm right and I refuse to back down.

"Why would I want to speak to Daniels whore?" Each word like a slap to the face. Fuck him. Fuck this. I'm so angry I could throw a table. So I do the only thing I can, and slap him straight across the face.

"How dare you," I'm spitting mad, my palm still stinging from the contact when he grabs my wrist in mid air. I yank but it's useless, he's much stronger than me. "You didn't want me. You have no right to judge me for how I choose to distract myself from that."

Not what I meant to say. I should have said fuck you and stormed out. I should run away now, but his grip on my wrist is iron. I can't tell what he's thinking, let alone myself. Our eyes search the others, each not sure what we are looking for. There's a hundred unsaid things between us.

"I never said I didn't want you," Charles crashes his lips onto mine. Yes, my heart is screaming. I kiss him back with more passion that I've ever kissed in my life. His kiss is oxygen to me. I need it to survive. I need him. I don't want to need him. Don't, my head takes over. Stop! It demands of me. You'll only be hurt, logic demands. I can't do this. I know I can't, so without a word I run and take off like a bat out of hell to my car.

What the hell just happened? The second my ass hits the seat, my head is in my hands.

I'm fucking spinning. I've never felt so out of control in my entire life. So I do the only thing I can, and call my Papá.

The second it starts to ring, I start to cry.

"Luce del sole, whatever is wrong?" His concern clear.

"Oh Papá," I can't stop the tears from falling "I'm so lost my heart aches, I don't know what to do."

"Mi amore, we have never been lucky in the affairs of the heart have we?" I can feel his compassion as if he is right next to me with a hug "Please don't cry, come home and see me."

"I cannot, I have to be in America next week." Although I desperately wish to be home. To walk the mountains. To hug my Papá. For the solitude. The peace of home.

"I'll send you the jet," He offers "Do you want to tell me what is going on?"

"I don't know..." Because I know I can't reveal it all the way I want to. That's exactly what Charles is afraid of. "I have three men in my life," I chose to admit what I can "One makes me laugh, one takes me as I am, and one makes me feel alive. I don't know if any of them really want me."

The harsh reality that's been haunting me for weeks pours out of me, and my tears with it. "Any man would be silly not to want you," He offers the kind of love only a parent does blindly "If you must chose, chose the one that consumes you most. You first thought in the morning, and your last when your head hits the pillow in the evening."

"Thank you Papá, ti amo." I sign off, noticing we are pulling close to the hotel.

"Stop the car," my drivers passes me a worries glance in the mirror "Thank you, I'll walk from here." I need to walk. I need to think.