Deathling - Outsiders SMP

Emotions, Too Many: Owen

TW: panic attacks

Apo had gotten pulled away from him by Emmy, and Owen didn't exactly know what to do. He was pretty sure everyone on the ship either hated him or was scared of him, except Apo.

He decided to sit awkwardly in the back corner of the library reading. He could never get tired of reading, especially not the books Emmy had.

Owen was deep into a story about a satyr rebellion when he heard the door to the library creak open. His good eye flicked up, watching for whoever made the sound. The figure walked about the library as if they were looking for someone, until they passed the aisle Owen was in.

He had a gray hoodie and brown hair. And when he turned his head to lock eyes with Owen, the person's teal-turquoise eyes glowed in the dark.

Kyle.

What on earth could he want? Maybe he was taking himself on a tour and didn't hear from Daisy to stay out of the library. Owen decided not to worry about it and looked back to his book and tried to get absorbed again. But, with Kyle awkwardly sitting down in a chair across from him, looking like he wanted to say something, it was impossible.

Owen put a piece of paper in the book to mark his page and set the book down.

"Do you need something?" He tried to say this as politely as possible, but he couldn't hide the annoyance in his voice.

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know, I just want to talk."

Owen didn't believe that. "About what?"

"I-" Kyle paused. "I just want to understand why you tried to kill all those people. Emmy told me you're some kind of war criminal, but..."

He stopped again. "But what?" Owen said, trying to end this conversation as soon as possible.

"But I don't understand why you couldn't change. I don't understand why you first of all killed people, and second of all, gave up!"

Owen rubbed his forehead with his hand. "I-" He struggled to come up with a good answer to that. "I was told that demons were a disease my entire life. And I was also told that it was my job, my purpose in the world to exterminate them. I guess I was just... afraid. To lose that purpose."

Kyle stared at him with disgust. "And what, you'll throw friendship and trust away for a stupid purpose you thought you had? You went behind everybody's backs, and you betrayed everyone. We looked up to you. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. A great leader, a master of the maze. I can't believe I looked up to a war criminal. And you just gave up after that. Like you were done trying. You couldn't have tried to help us?"

Kyle stopped talking, looking at Owen expectantly. Owen knew what he wanted. He wanted Owen to say something to make the situation better, to make it so Kyle could stop feeling guilty.

But emotions and words weren't Owen's thing. No, that was Apo's thing.

Dark thoughts swarmed around in Owen's head. He didn't know what to do with them, they overloaded his brain and spilled out his open mouth, fluttering to the ground without making a sound.

"Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Kyle asked bitterly, still expecting Owen to say something.

Owen felt nauseous. His hand started shaking and his heart started beating faster.

In a moment of panic, Owen quickly stood up from his chair, forgetting his book and half ran out the door. He kept running, down the ladder and into the hallways, into the bunk room and finally into his alcove. He slowly pulled the curtain, and then collapsed on his bed, pulling his knees to his chest and weaving his fingers into his hair.

His heart was beating audibly faster now, and he was sweating and shaking. His breath started to pick up as negative thoughts continued to swirl around in his head. The voices of people, both recent and not, alive and not, haunted him and made his ears ring.

For a stupid purpose you thought you had?

You killed her? How could you?

Dear sweet children, please come back!

Your greatest feats are on a similar scale to my morning routine.

You sicken me.

The military is no place for a selfish child.

WHERE IS THE HONOR IN THAT?

Children killed by flames of light...

For the kingdom, and my sister.

GET UP.

We can still be friends Owen!

Don't let Owen sleep tonight...

Owen's breath hitched when he felt something touch his arm. It was a gentle touch, but not warm. Whatever had touched him was cold, but it was comforting, he could feel it rubbing his arm gently.

Through his gasps for breath, he opened his eyes.

A pair of concerned, red eyes stared back at him, and their hand was gently rubbing his arm.

Owen's breathing was still unnatural, and he didn't know how to stop it.

Apo grabbed his other hand, saying, "Owen, I know this sounds dumb, but please. Breathe in..." they waited a couple seconds, "And breathe out." Owen followed their instructions, trying to slow down his breathing. Apo's gentle touch made it much easier. They went through several repetitions of the same thing, until Owen's breathing had gone back to normal.

"Are you okay now?" Apo asked.

Owen shrugged.

Apo sighed. "So, no. Do you want to talk about it?"

Owen shook his head.

Apo hummed in response. He got on the bed next to Owen, and lightly pushed Owen into their arms. He hugged Owen with one arm while stroking his hair with the other.

Apo's hands felt like ice on his head. "Why are you so cold?" Owen asked, smiling.

"Shut up..." Apo said, grinning playfully.

As Apo rubbed his head, his tense muscles relaxed. And, for the first time in many days, Owen felt himself fading into a deep sleep on Apo's lap. And he was quite content with it.

Notes

We love some wholesome angst, Apo and Owen be adopted brothers like that

But like really please take care of yourselves if you need help get it <3