LOVE UNDERCOVER

Never the End: Kavin POV

Don't look at me like that.
It was for the best.
I am Kavin Kittiyangkul!
And you know as well as I do that I am not built for love.
And I don't want to test if I am with Thyme. I meant what I said, he deserves someone who's a sure shot.
Not a maybe.
Not a what if.
Especially not a maybe-what-if who could endanger his life.
Don't think I haven't lost sleep over this. It's been a long flight to Milan and instead of studying the dossiers I have been sent, I have been thinking of nothing else than the man I left behind.
In fact, here I am in the middle of a briefing, surrounded by the world's elite and instead of listening, I am talking to you - the imaginary people in my head - about the boy who was never really mine.
Yes, yes, he could be mine.
I know he loves me.
But there are other things to consider!
Love is not enough.
In this world, it never is.
Right?
Are you saying Thyme is not enough? , my own brain taunts me. Thyme? Really? What exactly is he lacking?

"Earth to Kavin," a voice breaks my reverie.

I startle as I see Fong take a seat beside me. I look around me and feel embarrassed as I notice everyone else already leaving the room. The briefing has been adjourned and I didn't even notice.

"You were somewhere else entirely, Kittyangkul," Fong says as he opens his notebook and starts to scribble notes. "Care to share?"

"It's just jet lag," I say, shaking my head in the hopes it would make me get a grip.

Fong is silently working beside me, paying me no more mind.

I am surprised to see him here and I tell him as much. "You came. I'm glad you said  yes to the offer."

"I didn't say yes to the offer."

"Oh. But you're here."

"I agreed to do go over some of the official decks and to do a debriefing with the heads of Italian intelligence. I want to do my part in ensuring Olga never sees the sun ever again. But I am going home right after."

It made sense, yes. Especially after what happened to First. But Fong wasn't exactly laidback, he isn't where he is in the police food chain because he said no to opportunities. And being invited to participate and even lead in this task force is definitely a big opportunity. It could make him world famous.

"You're looking at me like I grew a third head, Kittiyangkul."

"Well, I guess. I guess I didn't think you'd pass this up. Youngest Deputy Chief, Champion race car driver and so on. Being part of this just felt like something you'd do."

Fong looks at me as if debating whether or not to say what's on his mind.

"Sir, just spill it."

He sighs but talks. "Look. Different people will say different things. But this is my perspective, okay? You are welcome to disagree with it but at least listen.

I have achieved a lot in my life. And it took an incredible amount of time to get to where I am. It was the price I paid - my hours, my days. And I always told myself it's fine. I'd retire early and I would have decades to make it up to First.

But then he got kidnapped and - well, you know the rest. What were my medals and trophies good for then? What could my position and power do against impending death?
Not a goddamn fucking thing.

I am done paying with my hours. I am done putting off living my life. I am done making the most important part of me wait.

I want to be with First. So I am going home.

And quite frankly, I don't know why you're here."

"Thyme deserves better."

"Better? What does that even mean?"