white sabered || kylo ren x reader

Twenty Nine

"Thank you for killing the scavenger."

You raised up from the water, and within the steam and what you would have once called hot water, your blood ran ice cold.

"Kylo, quit fucking with me."

A hint of a smile was shown on Kylo's lips. "I can take you to her body. It's all there, composting in the dirt of Takodana."

Your heart palpitated between beats, your fingers gripped onto Kylo's clothed arm. It all made sense now. It was why you felt so weak, why you were so dirty, and why you immediately felt sick when waking up. You, the Defender, you cut the only string left in the meek web of your neutrality yourself. You let yourself whole and completely be swallowed by the dark side. It cost someone their life, and Kylo Ren was smiling.

"How does your mother feel right now?"

Sudden silence drowned the humid air in the bathroom.

Then, by the tug of your hair, you were pulled into the murky water of the bathtub. Your arms flailed, searching for sides of the tub to grip onto and pull yourself up. You were only met with the silky rectangular sides, and Kylo didn't show any sign of letting up. Your mind was far too scrambled to force him off of you, and you were running out of breath.

In the last second you were going to give up on struggling, Kylo pulled you up by the hair. His eyes bore into you as you coughed and gasped. You pushed your hair out of your eyes, looking back up at him.

"You do not mention my mother."

With that, he let go of your hair, stood up, and exited the bathroom without another sound nor expression. You were still gasping for air, grasping to the sides of the tub for dear life. The comedown from the adrenaline rush made you feel weaker, weaker than you already were.

You pulled yourself out of the bathtub, still coughing up water from your lungs. You wished Ren had drowned you. It would have been better than living with the fact that you were now a savage murderer. How would your own mother feel? Jaqueline, sweet Jaqueline watching you from the stars become the very thing you promised her and your father you would destroy. 

You scanned the bathroom for anything sharp, for anything to hang yourself against. You slung open drawers and looked under baskets and bins. Nothing. The bathroom was practically empty besides the few essentials of hygiene. Tears slipped from your eyes, and you meekly retched in the toilet bowl once more. Where were you to go? There was nowhere you could go even if you had the energy to. This ship was all you had ever known for almost over a year now. 

You flashed back to the first time you had met the scavenger. How Kylo held her so carefully in his arms. You wondered if he carried you that way after he informed you of your own parents' murder. It was jealousy that Ren used against you, and it was clear now. Partially, this was your own doing, and your own fault.

You slowly managed to drag yourself back to the bedroom, spotting a fresh pair of clothes for you at the foot of the bed. You shivered, stumbling upright to pull the linen shirt and pants on. Your hair was still soaking, and a hairbrush was nowhere to be found. He ridded the entire room of anything you could use to harm yourself.

He knew you would.

If you were bluntly honest with yourself, you wanted to kill yourself. You wanted to stop this endless cycle of love and hatred that Kylo Ren kept you chasing on a string. You were so, so close to cracking and making another run for it. Would he actually kill you? Probably not. It was another empty promise. Another part of you wanted to stay alive and prove to Kylo that you would never let him get to you. But he already had the moment you stepped on this god forsaken ship.