Just me & you (G!P)

C. 29 - M's POV

Heyyyy.... hi everyone! 
Thank you all as always! 

Since I almost fainted on the street to reach Carina's house, on her mother's birthday, a little over a month has passed and now I finally seem to be fine. I can't drive yet and there are days that are definitely more difficult than others, but I can at least take more than ten steps at a time without being out of breath and without feeling like I'm dying. For example, I can reach the nearest supermarket on foot and after a short stop on a bench outside I can enter, buy what I need and go home with two bags. I feel much more relieved to have more independence, because I have no intention of continuing to ask for help: it makes me feel fragile and weak. I can't deny that the rift between me and Andrea, which at times still seems so irremediable, contributes to making my mood blacker and blacker. Conversely, the relationship between me and Carina makes me feel on another planet, for happiness.

We just had one intimate conversation, that night at her house, a month ago, and then it seems to be that we have lived an eternal tug and pull. On the one hand we continue to hang out with assiduity, on the other we always remain quite vague. I have long been clear about my feelings for her: perhaps it was enough to wake up from my coma with her presence in the room, to understand that the love I feel for her had never been extinguished. Carina instead I seem to see her drowning in a sea of confusion: sometimes she approaches me, then as soon as there is an opportunity for a deeper conversation, as soon as Amelia makes a joke about us, as soon as there is a chance to get closer physically, she flees and for at least half a day seems impregnable. Then I manage to bring her closer to me again and so it starts the pull and spring again. I can't interpret her, I can't even find a key to get close to her without letting her escape.

The rational part of me knows that it is difficult, so much time has passed and even a part of me is scared to death. I can't help but also consider the fact that Carina became a mom and I imagine that this is also part of her concern in approaching me. The fact is that I would like to be able to talk to her about all these fears and all these factors: as much as I want her, I do not want to make sex with her tomorrow and pretend that all these four years have not existed, to pick up where we left off. I want to make her understand that I am falling in love with her every day again: mine is not just a feeling that re-emerges from under the ashes. Mine is a new and different feeling, perhaps even greater, that is growing and forming together with her, as she is today.

I'm actually pretty sure that Carina has more than a few doubts about me, related to her feelings for me. I notice it precisely from the physical distance she puts every time I try to get closer. I notice it from all the times she chooses to be alone with me, without Viviana, but then it seems that she repents, because every rare time there is her daughter, at least there are no silences full of unspoken and words that could come out suddenly and scare her even more. I also notice it from the small jealousies that Carina insists on hiding, even if she succeeds very badly, and that end up distancing her from me and feeding the famous unspoken among us. It happened for example when Katia came to visit me from France and stayed at my house for a week: not only did Carina refuse to meet her, just as she did for the entire period of our relationship, but she was also a fugitive with me, practically disappearing into thin air. It happened when we talked about the period spent separately, so I started telling her about Angelica, my ex. It even happened once when she showed up at my house with a shopping bag, all happy to have bought me my favorite cookies, only to find out that Vittoria had already bought them for me and, despite knowing that she is only one of my dearest friends, she put on a muzzle that lasted a whole day. And it also happened with my physiotherapist, several times, including this morning.

Alice is an angel, not a doctor.. When I had to start physiotherapy with the first doctor I had been assigned, I immediately surrendered to the fact that I would not make any kind of progress. Luckily, Amelia and Carina thought of changing doctor and with Alice things are much better. She made me feel comfortable from the first minute and knows how to catch me. By now she knows the day when I have a crooked moon and then she tries to make me laugh before doing the exercise, or she knows when I really need silence and we just work. Over time we became almost friends: we spent whole mornings together in the hospital, so a certain harmony was created. In addition, I cannot deny that she is a beautiful girl, which does not hurt. I was super worried about this, about the fact that I could have a particular reaction to her touch, but Alice has always been super delicate and made me feel comfortable all the time. With the improvements made, there was no longer the need to go to the hospital every day, so now Alice comes to give me home therapy, for now still every day, for an hour a day. We mounted a cot in my living room and some special tools that Alice brought with her from the hospital.