Just me & you (G!P)

C. 23 - M's POV

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When I get home it is now late in the night and everything around me has a spooky air: the bed is still unmade, in the kitchen there are dirty cups on the table, with the chocolate drunk in half and in the bathroom there is a light that had been left on. I sigh and for a moment it seems that panic assails me. I feel lonely even if I have not been alone so far: Carina was a fundamental figure for our afternoon of waiting for news about Riccardo. I am relieved that Riccardo has made it again this time, that Andrea can spend the night next to him, in the hospital, but that the time of hospitalization will also be shorter than you might think, even if the return to work is, fortunately, postponed much later in time. Carina did not want to come to sleep home with me because early tomorrow morning she will have to start the shift and wanted to go to her house to retrieve clean clothes and spend a peaceful night of rest. She had already done so much for me that I did not feel like insisting, although I really wished I could spend the night hugging her and maybe, why not, even inside her. Maybe I'm still a bit emotionally immature, but physical contact and sex, seem to me the only ways to really get in intimate contact with someone. And then it's all day that I feel so stupid and so childish: while Andrea lived one of the biggest fright of her life, I wasted time in obsessive and jealous thoughts towards Carina's ex boyfriend or towards Amelia or towards who knows who else. I feel lucky, but also melancholy; I feel relieved, but also oppressed. How is it possible to experience these strong oscillations? Why can I never relax and surrender to happiness?

I throw myself on the bed still dressed and send a message to Carina, simple and direct.

Maya: Can I call you?

Not even a minute goes by, that Carina makes my phone ring.

C < baby what's wrong? Is everything ok?> I smile, but I can't answer her, while I realize that a tear runs down my face. Carina sighs and waits for me to be ready. < love, are you there?> she asks me after a while. I nod, even though she can't see me.

M < I don't know what I have..I felt alone as soon as I entered the house..it's all motionless to how it was when we went out..>

C < it was a difficult day..> I confirm.

M < and I just had stupid thoughts..>

C < what thoughts? > I sigh, but I know that if I have called her it is to tell her the truth.

M < if you were here everything would be easier..> I admit and Carina sighs.

C < amore, lo so, but we talked about it. I have my shift early and you need to take care of Andrea and the work tomorrow..> I nod, well aware that the next few days will be challenging for me.

M < and therefore there is no room for us?>

C < we are here speaking, Maya ..> I would like to react instinctively and say that it is not the same thing, but the reasonable part of me understands that she is right: it is also true that she had asked me to go to sleep at her house and I refused, for the same reasons that she has just listed. And then arguing with Carina is the last thing I need right now.

M < Andrea could have lost the love of her life and I was there to think about how much bothered me your complicity with your sexbuddy or I was there to make absurd assumptions about the presence and support of Amelia, when she was just doing her job very well ..> Carina sighs, before answering.

C < baby, first of all everyone reacts to trauma differently. And then everyone always tends to see things according to their own selfish point of view..>