Just me & you (G!P)

C.08 - M.'s POV

Thank you all for reading and voting. Thank you so much. 

Italics means flashback. 

This is Maya's POV. 

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8. M's

When I met Carina that night at the pub I immediately understood that my life would change radically. I tried to avoid it, to escape, but then I could only meet the inevitable. I knew right away that it was different from the questions she asked on our first date. And I realized that I was screwed when during that date the pleasure I felt tight in my pants was overcome by the pleasure of hearing her tell. I would have liked that night to never end, because I already knew that after that there would be only mess and problems. What I've been carrying with me all my life is just mess and problems.

I immediately thought of her that she was a pure and honest person and that for my part she deserved absolute truth. Every day that we spend together and that I discover new things about her, about her story, I only confirm this theory more, that she is actually an extraordinary person. She has had a positive influence on me in the last couple of months we are dating, because I feel like a better person. I still find it very difficult to relate to her in a completely honest way and to be completely myself, but until two months ago I struggled to be myself even in front of the mirror. She's the first person I really think it's worth it for. I'm not ashamed to say that I fell in love with her with a stroke of lightning, even though I haven't told her yet. I don't tell her because I don't want to put even more pressure on her. She already has to carry a great load of patience, to have to wait for me in all the steps that I cannot do spontaneously. I have never had a relationship, or better I've never had a human relationship in general, beyond the sentimental side, and I struggle in many things. At the beginning I also struggled to understand that between one meeting and another it was necessary to call or text each other, while for me it was obvious to close oneself in one's own world. Carina, however, has been patient, she waits for my time, she understands me and does not pressure me in anything.

So does Andrea, who understood the importance of this woman in my life, from the first day she dragged her into my office forcing me to talk to her, but she never pressured me to confide in her. So now Andrea only knows that we go out together, that we date and that she knows the truth about my condition, but nothing else. I think things will change soon because soon we will go to lunch with my friends, so she will know them and I can't wait.

I feel that I have made great strides with Carina, also in relation to my body and my sexuality. I do it for fear of losing her, which gives me the determination not to give up, but also I do it because I really want it. It is not easy, however, for me to let go, close all the ugly chapters of my past and think that I can deserve something beautiful. In fact, it's not easy for me to think that sex is beautiful. So far it has been a way to anesthetize the pain and do not think. It was something that had to be done because everyone did it, but it was never tied to a strong feeling and emotion. I'm afraid to fail in front of Carina, to show myself ridiculous. I can't say that I accepted myself, because I still carry inside the signs of my father's words and beatings, of the slaps of my peers, of the teasing that still burns on my skin, of the disgusted looks of people who tried to come to bed with me in search of a transgression, but then in the morning they noticed the crap of a person that I am, that I was. But I'm trying to make peace with all parts of me and Carina plays a fundamental role in this, even if she does it silently, without being noticed and without putting pressure on me.

In the last month we have intensified our meetings a lot and I know that Carina has noticed all the small improvements and approaches, without underlining them. Considering also the bad weather and the cold that sometimes makes itself felt, we alternated dinners out with home dinners, we spent Sundays around exhibitions, museums, cinemas and markets, but at the same time we spent a lot of time on the sofa, at home of one or the other, watching a movie or playing some board game. We like simple things, we have the same tastes and we only care about spending time together.