Just me & you (G!P)

C. 07

The night shift was hellish, there was a particular astral conjunction perhaps, so I had to do three deliveries one after the other, one of which was caesarean, and I did not have the opportunity to close my eyes even for a moment, between the advanced bureaucracy and the chatter with Antonio who instead lived a shift much more serene than mine. I was really too tired to be able to date Maya, but not tired enough to give up seeing her, so I asked her to come by my house.

It's already six pm, so I had the chance to at least get a little sleep and take a quick shower, but I'm so tired, even at the idea of having to go back to work tomorrow morning, that I can't dress differently except in a suit. A part of me is agitated at the idea of letting Maya into the house: now I am aware of the direction that our knowledge has taken and I know that we are both spending time and energy so that things between us develop to the fullest. I really like her, I like all the aspects of her that I have seen so far, I like the way she lights up when she talks about her work or her friends, she makes me feel good the idea of having so many interests in common, I like the delicate and sweet way she has to worry about me, to always ask me how I am and how my day went, I even like his most stubborn side, the one that as soon as I glimpsed it, I identified it as one of the reasons why in the long run it will lead us to have maybe discussions. And then she makes me feel beautiful, she makes me feel desired only with a look: the sexual aspect at some point has been banished from the topics and we have even moved further away physically, but slowly we are returning to approach and I seem to feel sparks every time. I see myself in her eyes and I feel beautiful. She is not a person with great gestures or great words, not even great compliments: you can see that she lacks the experience of relating within a relationship, but it gives me so much tenderness the way she desperately tries to be present at the right time, I see her commitment in every small gesture she makes and in the end this is the thing that makes me feel good the most.

On the other hand, however, for me inviting someone to my house is an important step and if I stop too much to think about it I have a hundred thousand doubts. It does not help me that I have chosen not to say anything to my friends: with Antonio we talk a lot and about everything, I tell him every date we have and almost every phone call we exchange, but I keep avoiding the big central topic, the fact that Maya is intersex. So Antonio tonight gave me a whole speech because he did not understand why we had not yet kissed and made me doubt that by dint of talking so much and opening up so much in conversations, then we end up giving space to a beautiful friendship and nothing else. I know with a cool head that we are both very influenced by Maya's condition, which inevitably slows us down a bit. Especially when I am with her I know that the feelings I feel are not at all of a friendship and I seem to feel that they are mutual. In moments of confusion though, when I need a sincere friend next to me and I can't have him, I then go into a destructive loop and I don't know what to think anymore.

I have to stop the flow of my thoughts though when Maya intercoms and after a few moments she is in front of my door. She is also dressed sporty, but when I feel her eyes on me studying me, I feel compelled to justify myself.

C < sorry, I know that I seem a tramp, but I'm super tired!> I justify myself. Maya smiles and grabs me by my hips, with a firm squeeze, so she takes me near to her and then she gives me a kiss on the cheek, that it is very very long.

M < you're so beautiful..> she says to me, before she steps away and leave me frozen in front of the front door, while she advances slightly. And it is with this firm squeeze that I leave my paranoia outside the door: that gesture, in its simplicity, has awakened dormant desires and made me feel really beautiful and wanted.

C < so how's the barbecue?> I ask, while we sit on the couch: we are close, but not too much, only with the knees touching. Maya begins to tell me about her day and I realize that for more than a moment my eyes are flashing in the middle of her legs in search of a signal: will she have hidden it even today? I try to focus more on the things Maya tells me, but I end up staring at her lips. Maya may notice it because she stops and smiles at me.