Everything You've Come To Regret

21 | different people

warnings: mention of blood, sexual content and alcohol use

[edited on 12.9.23, reminder that it's a +18 story!]

August 25-26, 2015

And if his whisper splits the mist
Just think of what he's capable of with his kiss
Nice try, you cannot turn away but nice try

⋆ ˚ ° ° ˚⋆

The bright sunlight was blinding me and my body fell on the snow with a loud grunt. I tried to stay bundled up with the coat covering me, but the fabric felt suddenly so thin. I started calling for his name, louder each time. He kept walking ahead, never looking back at my body down on the ground.

"Why won't you look at me!" I screamed as I felt frustration building up.

I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them again he had his arms around someone else.

His ghost was still walking ahead as if I didn't exist.

And I wasn't sure I truly existed.

I sprang up from the couch, sweat coating my forehead. Standing on shaky legs, I painfully trudged to the kitchen to get some water, resting my hands on the cold counter as I tried to steady my breathing. Those dreams had been more frequent lately.

It had been a week since I met Alex, and it felt like the three months of positivity I'd managed to create had disappeared. The girls had left the day after, as Emma had felt too sick to stay. I'd told them about Jane's lies and my confrontation with Alex, and both of them had muttered "I knew it". Like me, they weren't sure what would happen when they would see her. Insult her? For Kat, most likely.

But for the first time since I moved to London, being alone scared me. And I was sure it was all because of him.

There were plenty of pubs I could have gone to, maybe even some nice guy I could have hung out with. Some colleagues had texted me the address of one of them, saying I could join them. But I felt like staying at home and forgetting about the sound of my own voice, so I turned on the TV and settled on the couch with a slice of pizza in hand.

I sent Sophie a quick text, telling her about Alex and how nervous the situation made me feel. I figured she'd be interested to know–and she was. She replied instantly "call me soon!", and I smiled at myself. I'd never realised how much I missed my sister.

Halfway through my favourite show, my phone lit up.

With Alex's number.

I tried to ignore the nervousness creeping up as I clicked on his message, though I couldn't ignore the sudden pounding in my chest.

Alex:
Can we meet?

I typed a few responses and erased them one by one, finally sending a simple "yes". It sounded more excited than I truly was. I just wanted to stay alone and think about what I could say to him and prepare whatever apology speech I had, but it was just a pathetic excuse for my anxious thoughts. Waiting wouldn't help.

Alex:
Yours or mine?

If he came here, there was no escape in case things turned out badly. He'd probably stay longer, and as much as I wanted to, I didn't need to fall back into this trap. I'd had enough time to figure out I couldn't control my body around him. Perhaps his place was better then.

I sent my reply and shuffled around the room, changing into a more formal outfit and grabbing my keys and purse.

Aware that I'd see him again for real and probably talk about what happened made my heart rush and my fingers tap nervously against the wheel. I stopped at a cornerstone on the way and rushed to get back to my car. Some part of me just wanted to forget about these past months, while another part thought it lovely to remind me every second that I had kissed him.