Everything You've Come To Regret

8 | the coastal air to reflect

March 13 - 14, 2015

I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real

⋆ ˚ ° ° ˚⋆

The car dropped us near a gravel path, where we could catch a glimpse of the waves at a distance.

The trek was mostly spent in peaceful silence, the only sounds being our steps and me sniffing because of the chilly wind. We walked slowly, commenting almost inaudibly on the beauty of the view.

The sound of waves crashing grew louder as we eventually approached the sand.

I followed Alex to the left where there was no one, compared with the few people sitting on the rocks at the right.

He dropped his bag on the floor and opened it, pulling out the blanket that used to cover the couch.

I sat on the cold sand, too focused on the scenery in front of me to notice Alex's hip bumping against mine as he joined me. He spread out the blanket over both our legs. I thanked him, almost scared of breaking the silence.

The atmosphere had changed since that touch a few minutes ago. It was a simple touch though, just two hands casually meeting during a conversation between two friends. But it changed the mood swiftly, and now I felt like a burden.

We had quickly eaten our self-made pizzas and left the waffles aside for another time. He'd waited for me while I put on warmer clothes. We were eager to watch the sunset afterwards, but it was also a good excuse to take some air and change the mood. It didn't seem to change much, as he gazed calmly at the pink colours forming in the sky and didn't say anything.

"You know you can trust me?" he finally asked out of the blue.

"Yes," I replied hesitantly. "We're friends remember?"

His mouth curved into a smile and he looked at his lap before looking up at me.

"So you know you can talk to me if you need to. Whenever you want."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and fixed my gaze on the sea before me, trying not to forget why we were here in the first place. I was too afraid to cry in front of him, used to keep these emotions to myself. But his presence was a comfort.

"Um... there are lots of things going on currently. That would take days to explain," I said, fidgeting with the hem of the blanket on my lap.

"I don't mind. We're on a break, we've got time."

I smiled softly at his words, still looking ahead.

"Well if you insist... Paul and I broke up two weeks ago, actually."

"What?"

I turned my head, he was already looking at me, confused.

"He broke up with me to be specific. And, uh... We didn't want to draw attention as our friends were the ones who arranged our first dates. We agreed to come together to the wedding and not tell anyone yet, it would have made quite the impression," I let out a humourless chuckle and took a deep breath.

"I thought that it could make him regret his decision, that we could be back together as it was before. But... he just played along and talked to me as little as possible," I paused. "I just feel lonely I suppose. Transparent you see."

He never broke his gaze on me, and I guessed it was my cue to go on talking.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm on the wrong side of life y'know... Like I'm not totally living. Or I'm just missing out on everything I should be experiencing. My friends are great and I love them but... I'm just constantly wondering if I'm the bad one in the story. I'd like to have my own expectations y'know? Not what people expect me to do all the time."