The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

I Love You

Ani POV

How do you say goodbye to someone you never wanted to let go?

I asked that question a million times during the days  leading up to her funeral.  The twins have flown home but I didn't have the stomach to see them.  Jaelynn has stopped by but I never opened the door.

Cause to have them come into this house without her here was unbearable.  To be a family without her was too painful to face.

I slept on the couch, for the bed smelled like her. I used the twins old bathroom and stayed out of the kitchen. When my eyes opened in the morning and I didn't smell coffee or breakfast, I cried, but I wouldn't let a single sound out. I would just cover my mouth and sob, my nose clogged and this feeling of sickness overwhelmed me.

I couldn't go into her paint room, for I couldn't stand the sight of an empty tool and unfinished canvas. Just passing it was too hard.

Lifeless... that's what I felt.

My eyes opened to see the ceiling of the living room. Just laying there, I closed my eyes and began to tremble as tears fell.

Then the smell of coffee hit me.

Thrusting myself up, I rushed into the kitchen. Shoving chairs out of the way, I screamed out, "Cassie!" And as I turned that corner and saw the kids... all standing in the kitchen with cups filled in their hands... wearing black... I stopped.

My heart just stopped.

Grabbing the closest thing, I threw it at the ground. Screaming, I just smashed things one after another. Jakob had to restrain me but he was crying as well, "Mom... please. Please stop."

"I-I thought... I thought she was here," I sobbed, unable to breathe through my nose I shuddered, "I thought she was here."

Jessika came over and hugged us and so did Jaelynn. We all were crying, unable to hide anymore.

~

Jaelynn helped me get ready for the funeral. She picked everything out as I lifelessly sat on the bed. We were in the room we shared. Laying down, I closed my eyes and listened.

The sounds of water falling on the floor. The clicks of shampoo bottles and taps of them being put down. The slide of the door being opened and the tug of the towel being pulled off the rack.

When I opened my eyes, I just laughed breathlessly. I'd never hear those noises again. I'd never hear her moving around quietly in the morning, trying not to disturb me. I'd never hear her call me that name again.

Rolling over, I let out a heavy sigh. I felt as if a weight had been crushing my chest and even though I took big breaths, I still couldn't breathe.

"Mom," Jaelynn called, "I need to do your hair."

I remembered how Cassie lectured me back then in middle school, 'Do you want to have a nest for hair! Brush it! Come here!' Chuckling, I muttered, "No... stay away."

~

I knew everyone who was here, but I didn't greet or entertain them. I stayed seated, staring at the photo of her smiling. Gorgeous, glamorous, beautiful, perfect, breathtaking... I've described her as such for years and years... but now, I felt as if I hadn't said it enough.

Jeremiah took a seat beside me and said nothing. We just sat silently, the whole service.

For he knew how this felt.

It wasn't an open casket, for Cassie always hated those. She liked the idea of remembering people alive... not dead...

That's why she didn't want me there that night.

We went out in the cemetery, surrounding the hole she would be left in. My eyes sizzled from all the crying I had been doing. I just unemotionally stared down at the hole and watched her get lowered.

Jessika took my hand, but remained quiet as we watched dirt pile on top.

~

I stayed there, staring at her tombstone. It was getting windy now and it was just me. I told everyone to leave me... leave me be. Freshly buried... alone, waiting. I sighed. Kneeling down, I dusted off the leaf that fell on it. My hands shaking.

"Cassie," I said... silently waiting a bit.

'Yes?' I heard her say in my mind.

"I love you."