The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

For You

Insta: @Welcomelovelies

CASSIE'S POV

"Mrs. Meryl, it's time to go," one of my many nurses said.

Twenty minutes.

That's how long I get to stare at the flower bed... sometimes if the nurse is too busy focusing on the other patient named George, I get twenty-one minutes.

Today wasn't my lucky day.

I followed her in and did the usual check-ups. No new scars, no sharp objects, nothing stuffed in my clothes, hair, or limbs. Once I was stripped and searched, I was allowed to go to my room. Inside, I just stared at my thin bed, blue walls that had writing all over it from past inmates, and a desk that was empty.

Going over to my bed I waited for the male nurse to go by, room drop by, to lift the mattress and pull out the book Jaelynn left for me. Since I wore a red band it meant I couldn't have anything in my room since I could use it as a weapon. Luckily I have a daughter who isn't afraid to take a detour as she uses the restroom. Hiding behind the desk that had no holes to see through, I opened up the book.

It was Common Sense from Thomas Paine, one of Jaelynn's favorites. Though the language was far too advanced for me and I barely understood anything, I enjoyed every moment. It allowed me to think Jaelynn was right next to me.

How much I missed my children.

Your children? Do you mean the children you are destroying?

"No," I dropped the book, putting my hands on my head.

You don't deserve that family... that happiness. You're just a monster... a fucking psychopath. What are you trying to do? Pretend you are some saint? Can't wash away the sins you've committed.

"Stop, stop, stop..." I mumbled, pressing harder and harder into my head.

Images passed through. Jennifer. Jennifer... Jennifer...

I want to scream.

Ani is probably with her. She's probably happier with her.

"Ani loves me," I whispered, "only me."

Do you think they've had sex? Fucked? Do you think Ani enjoyed it? Enjoyed touching Jennifer, feeling Jennifer touch her. She probably felt alive... felt a passion she has been denied for so long. She probably forgot about you.

Quickly I rose to my feet and walked over to the window. Looking outside I scavenged for anything. My eyes landed on the adolescent patients.

Perfect.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...," I counted them over and over and over again. Soon I was controlling my thoughts. That voice disappeared... her voice disappeared. Sliding down from the window, I did the four-by-four breathing, trying to calm myself. When I opened my eyes, I saw Antonia standing in the doorway, "Great... I'm having hallucinations."

"Would it make it easier for you if I said yes?" She joked, making me grin. She came over, quickly seeing my little secret, "Jaelynn?"

"Who else?" I asked, "You don't break the rules." She bent down and walked over to my bed, stuffing it under the mattress. It irritates me how easily she reads me at times. When she came back, she kneeled before me. She blocked the sight from the door, taking my hands in hers. Her thumb ran over my knuckles... as if she was rubbing in an apology, "You don't have to feel guilty. It's not your fault I'm insane."

"You're not insane," she muttered, kissing the top of them, "you're perfect... you're everything I need Cassie."

"I'm nowhere near perfect," I responded, feeling a little tired from my panic episode a bit ago, "if I was, why would I be here?"

She placed my palms on her cheek, her hands still hovering over them, "Because everyone needs a little help from time to time. We can't make it through this world alone. None of us are immune to everything."

"Then why do you never ask me for help?" I asked... but then the guilt rose, "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said that."

"Because I'm a coward," she whispered, making me wide-eyed, "... to me, I am supposed to be your pillar of strength. To me, I can't have a weak moment because I need to be strong for you... I have to be emotionless in emotional situations. I have to be stronger to make sure you're okay... to make sure we can last." Tears formed in my eyes. "I'm scared of losing you again, so I will do anything and everything to make sure you stay stable and standing. I don't care about the pain... I don't care how tired I am... I just want to make sure you're okay... I promised you years ago... that day you got your memory back, that I would never hurt you again... that you would never experience the hell you faced in the past... but look. I locked you away... separated you from your children... all because I have no fucking idea what to do. What was all that education for? What was all that money I spent to get the extra lessons, the hours I spent making sure to memorize every scenario and how to handle it... what the fuck was it for if all I could do was lock you up in some fucking building with strangers with lesser credentials."

"Ani," I whispered, kissing her forehead. She stopped shaking... I think she didn't even notice that she was crying. "Ani... you can't do anything to hurt me as that woman did. You can't do anything to make me love you less. Nothing and I mean nothing can make me see you as anything but my reason," I wanted to pull her closer... I wanted to stop her crying... I'm hurting Ani again. "Ani... you are my beating heart... you are the thing that keeps me up at night... you are what plays in my mind, over and over... you are the reason I still breathe... I'm hopeless without you. I'd do anything to be with you... climb mountains... swim oceans... I'd do everything to undo all the things I've broken inside you. I need you to see that you are the reason that I can even live... cause what am I without you?" Tears trickled down my cheeks, my nose became clogged. Pushing back one of her hairs, I smile, "I can see the pain in your face... the constant debate that has been torturing you all this time... I know you've been lying... I know you're hiding something... and I know you're doing it for me... to keep me safe... to keep me healthy... but Ani, I can never hate you... I can never leave you... to leave you would mean suicide." Holding her hands as tightly as I could, I whisper out, "So I can wait... I can tolerate the thoughts that fling around in my head. I can handle the torment and her voice breaking me down... I can wait for you to feel ready to tell me... because I used to force you so much and with that force, I brought you pain... so the pain I feel now is just my redemption for what I put you through. So don't beat yourself up and don't worry... cause I'm right here... I'll wait as long as you need."

For the rest of the afternoon, Antonia and I talked... it was about butterflies and the twins' games... until she was called away by Jennifer.

Do you think Cassie can handle the truth?

Do you think Cassie will really accept what happened that night?