The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

Our Disconnection

Insta: @ Welcomelovelies

The drive home was quiet... silent.  She stared out the window and would slightly bop her head the beat.  Hundreds of times I wanted to ask something... anything, but I felt... insecure.

Like I was going to say something wrong and we would fight. 

As I pulled up to the driveway, I unbuckled when she said, "'I would always rather be happy than dignified.'"

"Jane Eyre," I muttered, looking back at her.  She was still buckled, staring out the window.  I closed the door and settled back in the seat.  "What do you want Cassie?" I asked.

"What do you want?" She asked, "What is it you want me to do?"

"I don't want you to do anything... I just want you to be okay," I said, rubbing my forehead.

"Then I'll be okay."

Sighing, I stared at our house... the house we've built a family, "You can't just 'be okay'.  That's not how mental illness works."

"But I can pretend," she said.

I glanced over to her; she was still staring out the window.  "I don't want you to pretend," I said, "I want you to be genuinely okay."

"Then I will be."

"Again, that's not how it works."

"Then I can't do anything for you," she said.  How she said it; dismissive, harsh, blunt... my skin froze.  Sucking on my cheek, my eyes became heavy.

"Why are you so focused on doing something for me?" I asked.

"Why are you so focused on helping me?" She asked.

"Because I love you."

"I love you," she said, still staring out the window.

Frustrated.  That's what I felt.  Placing my hands on the steering wheel, I huffed... gripping it as tight as I could.  Leaning back, closing my eyes, I sigh, "Cassie, what are you thinking about?"

"Am I your wife?" She asked, making me turn my head towards her, "Or am I your patient?"

"What?"

"Am I your wife or your patient?" She asked again, "I feel like your wife sometimes... like when we laugh and talk about the kids... or when we have sex.  However, most of the time I feel like your patient... I feel your eyes watching me... scanning me as if you're a cop with a speed gun.  So I wonder; am I your wife or your patient?"

"You're obviously my wife," I said.

"Then why do you worry as if I am your patient?"

"I don't worry over a patient like this," I groaned, becoming annoyed, "with patients, I worry but most of the time I just feel pity... I just want to fix their problems.  I don't feel this overwhelming need to save them... to watch them and care for them."

"Okay," she responded.  I was going insane.  I wanted to just strangle her at this point.  We waited in the car, in silence.  Cassie still refused to look at me.  I realized how she hasn't even turned to see me all day.  "Antonia?"

"Yes?" I asked.

"Do you think it'll work?"

"What will work?" I asked.

She remained quiet. Annoyed. That's how I felt. The game she was playing was getting old and rather obnoxious. I just couldn't understand why she didn't say what she thought. It wasn't that hard.
Opening up the door, she swung her legs around and climbed out. For a moment I just watched, not calling out to her or anything. She walked in front of the car and I expected her to do her usual stand there until I get out, but... she didn't. She just walked up to the door... leaving me behind.

~

"And Jessika didn't let me score!" Jakob was going on and on about the game last week.

"It's not my fault you're slow," she mumbled, setting the table, "go get the paper towels."

"But I'm talking to mama," Jakob showed off his pouting face, but Jessika just kicked him out of his seat and told him to go.

Jaelynn was helping me cook. We avoid speaking about the elephant in hopes of keeping the peace. "Mama are you okay?" Jessika asked.

I glance over slightly. "I'm fine," Cassie smiles at her.

"But are you really okay?" Jessika asked, "You don't seem... normal."

Placing one of the dishes on the table, I smiled at Jessika, "Mama hasn't been home in a while, of course she's going to be a little off. She's tired baby." She nodded and began to serve each plate as I stood behind Cassie, bending down and whispering in her ear, "Do you want to lay down? I'll call you for dinner."

"I'm alright," she said, pulling away from me, "how has school been?"

Disconnect... a wall.

I felt it.

Instantly Cassie turned and looked at me, as if she could feel it too. She was about to reach and grab my hand, but stopped mid way. Our eyes stayed connected and I watched as she fought herself....

Reach for me Cassie.

But she put her hand at her side.