The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

Meryls Division

WARNING: SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THINKING, MENTIONING OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/ACTIONS, AND EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN IS AHEAD. PROCEED IF YOU ARE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. IF THESE ARE TOPICS THAT WILL TRIGGER YOU, PLEASE SKIP.

Insta: @Welcomelovelies

"Jaelynn," I muttered. I was dazed, completely shocked, but her facial expression knocked me sober, "Jaelynn it's not what you think-" "Not what I think? Are you fucking bullshitting me right now? I literally just saw you kissing a woman... that isn't mama!" She was shouting, but not the kind someone does when they're angry... no, she was shouting as if her life was falling apart... as if she was dying, "I asked you to fix what's going on at home... and this is your idea of fixing it? Oh I get it... mama was too much to handle for you so you decided to find someone that's 'easier', huh?"

She came closer, her eyes filled with rage, threats, and betrayal. I'd never seen Jaelynn like this... she was always a happy girl. My beautiful darling daughter was crumbling before me... she was being broken by me.

"So when mama was cooking dinner at home, you were with her? When mama was doing the laundry, you were chatting with her? When mama was at Jessika's and Jakob's games, you were playing with her? When mama was falling apart in your bedroom ALONE, you were making out with this bitch!" I couldn't comprehend everything... it was all moving too fast. "You know... I know mama wasn't the greatest to you... I know that she did some fucked up shit... I don't know what it was but I know it really fucked you up.... but mom... no, Dr. Antonia... mama abuses herself every damn day over what she did to you," tears weren't even falling now. They just built up in her eyes... her red eyes that stressed with every syllable. They were wide and bright red. Her body was rigid... as if it couldn't even process everything either, "You know... there is a kind of broken person that seeks love in a relationship... that seeks validation, meaning, life.... that's what mama did with you... she clung to you because she had nothing else... all these years, I watched mama rip out her hair, carve lines into her skin, chug pills with no water, and put on a fake fucking smile to make sure the twins never saw it. There was a period of time Dr. Antonia, that mama was so fucking happy. She never hurt herself. She smiled... she had a real smile. She enjoyed life it seemed... but the fucking moment you didn't show up at home... everything reverted." She was shaking incredibly... I thought she was about to fall. Without thinking I reached to help her but she smacked my hands away, "Don't you fucking touch me with those hands... hands that have been on that bitch... don't you fucking dare."

"Jaelynn!" Jeremiah came over, trying to help her.

"I was twelve when I saw my parents die... I watch my dad take his last breath through a fucking glass window... my mom.... I never saw her again.... I had to explain the concept of death to two five year olds.... I had to tell them that we may be split up... that I may never see them again, because people didn't want an older child.... just like a fucking puppy, everyone wants the young cute ones without issues," her voice wobbled... it cracked and was strained, "but when mama came in, with that big smile... when you told us you were gonna take us all... the relief that washed over. You both saved my family... you gave me a normal life.... a life that led me to be valedictorian of my high school... a free-ride to one of the best colleges this state has to offer... you revived me... but now... I'm watching the person who breathed air back into my flat and lifeless lungs, suck away everything that I love... I hate you... I fucking hate you and mama deserves better... go... don't you fucking dare show your face to us anymore! Don't ruin my family anymore Dr. Antonia! Don't you fucking dare!" She lost it completely. Tried to lunge at me but Jeremiah caught her. He pulled her away to his car as I stood... alone.

Alone...

I'm alone...

I'm alone again.

"Ani?" Jennifer called behind me.

Turning around, I slapped her as hard as I could across the face, "How dare you?.... I told you had kids... a wife that I would do anything for.... how fucking dare you."

"I was just trying to help you," she said.

"With what!" I screamed, "Help me with what? You just wanted to ruin everything! If that night never fucking happened... if I never fucking drank, I would never have spoken to you... I'd never even paid any attention to you!"

"You can't just blame me," she said.

"How can I not?" I asked, "I've asked over and over what the fuck happened and you never give a straight answer."

"Because you should remember."

"IF I SHOULD REMEMBER THEN I WOULD HAVE AND I WOULDN'T BE IN THIS FUCKING MESS!" My throat was starting to hurt... but I wasn't crying. I just felt pain... defeated... "Stay the fuck away from me."

"Ani-" "Dr. Meryl... you will only address me as Dr. Meryl," I muttered, "stay the fuck away or I'll call the police." I ran to Jeremiah's car. He was putting Jaelynn in the back as I came up, "I need to speak to her."

"Antonia," he stopped me, sighing, "Antonia stop."

"No I need to explain-" "Nothing will help right now," he said, "you're both upset... you both are too emotional right now. Leave it." I watched through the window as my baby cried. It was shattering. How much I wanted to stop it.... to hold her and explain and stop those tears... to put her mind at ease. "Antonia, I know who you are... I know you wouldn't cheat on Cassidy... but right now, things are looking good for you," he said, a little upset too, "as your friend, I'll support you no matter what, but if... if you are done with Cassidy and want Jennifer... you need to speak up."

"I only want Cassie," I said, tears falling now, "I only love Cassie! I didn't cheat... there's no way... I couldn't have... no one can make me look at them look at Cassie."

"But you have been looking at Jennifer," he said... stopping my whole world, "I've seen you... I wanted to say something but that wasn't my right... but Antonia... you look at Jennifer, just as if you are looking at Cassie."

"No, no, no, No, NO, NO! That's not possible! NO!" Have you ever just lost yourself... like one moment you're aware of your surroundings, even if it's just a little, but the next you have no idea....

I've never felt that.... until now.

Is this what Cassie felt?

I'm crying.... I hate myself for writing this😭

Tell me your thoughts!