The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

Takes Time

Cassie POV

Antonia was in the shower as I was laying on the bed. Jeremiah loved Norma... she was the love of his life and just like that... she was gone. She was young too, only 44 years old, and to think she left so quickly. When I heard Antonia get out of the shower, I flopped over to watch her.

Her usual routine.

Gets out of the shower, places her feet on the soft blue rug and stands there for a couple seconds. As she stands there, she dries her hair by tilting her head to the left and using her hands to move the towel. After the couple of seconds, Antonia takes the hair towel and hangs it up on the hanger, then moves to the closest. In there she will find what she wants to wear and come out - taking only a minute or two. As she comes out, she'll stop in front of the mirror and look at her complexion for a second, then continue with brushing her teeth and washing her face. After that she applies her lotion and then brushes her hair.

I know this routine, I've seen it thousands of times. I can close my eyes and tell you every step she would make... and to think one day she wouldn't be here to do this routine.

For as long as I could remember, I couldn't stand the idea of losing Antonia. I felt as if my life would end if she wasn't around... if she wasn't with me, so I was willing to deal with a lot...

But now, I can see myself living without.

Before, I needed Antonia around.

Now, I want Antonia around.

There's a big difference. No one should need another person to live... they should want that person around to make life better.

Though I would be broken, completely smashed into pieces of Antonia left suddenly... I could still carry on.

But that doesn't mean I ever want her to disappear.

She walked over, climbing into the bed and rolling to face me, "What's wrong?"

Looking at her, I said, "I have to die before you."

She narrowed her eyes, "Why?"

"Because I don't want to deal with the pain of losing you?" I said.

She frowned a little and then snuggled into me. Putting her face in the crook of my neck, I felt her squeeze me as tight as she could. "How about we just die together?" She asked.

"What are we? Some teenage kids making a pact together?" I joked, playing with her hair.

"Yes," she mumbled, shocking me, "Cassie... between the both of us, you're the stronger one. You could handle life after the other left... you have always been the stronger one... I just pretend I am."

Wrapping my arms around her, I kissed her forehead, "Give yourself some credit... you went through hell and back to help me."

"Because I couldn't imagine a life without you in it," she said, her hands gripping me tighter, "ever since the day I fell for you... I couldn't imagine you being somewhere else... with someone else. Even when I ended us back then, it was my way of waking you up and hoping you'd change and we could be together again... our break was only temporary. Then with the divorce situation... I was so mad that you were okay with leaving me... that you could live in this life without me... and that's when I realized. For years I used to tell you to stop seeing me as your lifeline, but the truth is... you're my lifeline. Throughout our entire divorce situation, I never once thought of a time where you and I weren't together. I need you Cassie... I always have." She was beginning to cry now. She was shaking in my arms, obviously very emotional after Norma's funeral, "I forbid you from dying first... I won't allow it. If anything, I'm the one who dies first. That day... when you did that... it felt as if my life ended... so no, I can't keep that Cassie. You aren't dying before me... I'll never allow it."

Though I never saw it until recently, Antonia and I had very similar childhoods.

Both of us wanted loved from our parents.

Antonia would strive to be the best in school so she would get praised by them. She would purposely make sure to get the top awards so they could see her on that stage during Awards Night... but they never came. Too busy with work... that was her life.

Antonia was an outcast in school... nobody liked her stuck up ways. She was constantly alone and would tell herself to just deal with it... I even bet the thought of "I'm not good enough for their love" passed through her mind quite often.

But that all changed when her and I met.

We were both each other's missing piece. What we both craved and wanted the most, we found in each other.

I've always been a physical person: I played sports, yes because my mother forced me to, but even though she forced me... I fell in love with cheer and dance. It was the only times I felt like me when Antonia wasn't around.

Antonia has always been a mental person: She was part of the book club, science club, trivial club and more. She excelled in that area and she felt alive whenever she solved complex equations. It was the times she truly felt seen when I wasn't around her.

I reacted to my abuse with violence and sadly... I hurt Antonia. I'll forever live with that guilt... with that reminder. I can never atone for what I had put her through.

Antonia reacted to her neglect with manipulation and depression. She played tricks on people and she enjoyed watching them grovel beneath her... something she had learned from her parents. But she suffered with the battle in her head. She hated how I hurt her, yet she never let herself leave because she was so afraid that no one else would love her... just like I was.

To Antonia... her emotions are a sign of weakness. Hence why it's taking her so long to heal.

But for me... to control my emotions and understand them, I am able to live the life I've dreamed of. Hence why I am able to be who I am now.

Antonia fell asleep in my arms, exhausted from crying and pretending to be okay. Kissing her forehead, I mumbled, "You'll get there one day. You'll be able to live with and without me... it just takes time."