The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't Know

Never Did

Jessika POV

I've never been to a funeral... that I could remember.

When my biological parents died, I attended their funeral but I can't remember a thing... honestly, I don't even remember what they looked like. Jaelynn says I look exactly like our mom... but I have no idea.

As we all got ready this morning, Jakob didn't say a word. He put on black slacks, a black button down and wore black dress shoes... the most black I have ever seen him wear. I put on a simple black one piece and slipped on my black flats that Jaelynn bought me for a dance. Today Jakob put gel in his hair... and I had my bangs pinned back... the way Norma always said she liked.

Downstairs mama and mom were quiet... only whispered to each other about whether or not the other was feeling alright. As we joined them downstairs, mom said, "Norma was Catholic... so the service is religious."

That meant two things: we would all be stared at and hated... we wouldn't be allowed to stay after the open casket.

On the drive, Jakob and I didn't even look at each other. Just once in a while he would brush my hand... consoling himself and I would do the same back. Tons of people piled into the church, all wearing black dresses and some with black laced hats. I lingered behind Jakob... afraid.

For there is no place more judgmental than church.

Jeremiah came out the doors, giving our parents a big hug... already the eyes were upon us. Getting closer to Jakob, he finally muttered his first sentence did the day, "I got you."

Nodding, we walked up to Jeremiah and we both said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

And like usual Jeremiah, he put on a smile and muttered, "Thank you."

Between the kneeling, standing, praying, singing, and staring... I was exhausted. I felt mentally drained and I could tell the rest of my family was as well. The old women ahead of us would poke one another and point at mom and mama... but they just ignored them. Soon row by row went up to see Norma.

Mom leaned down and muttered, "Mama and I are going over to Jeremiah... if you two want to go say goddbye, follow the line."

But I had no intention of seeing her... not like that.

Jakob went but I remained seated, watching the line shuffle. Person by person, they bid her goodbye... each crying as someone pulled them away so the next could go. As the crowd cleared up, I saw Liam sitting in the front, shaking as if he was stuck in a blizzard.

And in my heart, I found myself going to him.

Kneeling before him, I whispered, "Are you not going to go say goodbye?" He shook his head. I gave a gentle smile, "Are you scared?" He nodded. I held out my hand, "Well... I am too. How about we go together?" He looked at my hand and then back at me. He did that a couple times but he soon took it and we walked over to her. Though I knew it was nothing but flesh and bones... she was beautiful. Tears built in my eyes as I helped Liam reach her. He was shaking in my arms, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Soon he began to cry and bury his face in my neck. Rubbing his back, I say to her, "Norma... you were such a kind lady... a good mom too. Though Liam is a little to scared to talk to you, he still wants you to know he loves you and will miss you. He can't wait to see you again... so have fun baking your casseroles and swimming in the Mississippi River up there... I'll watch over Liam... don't worry about him. I promise to be a good big sister to him."

Calming down as I spoke, he poked his head out and looked at her. He said with a wobbly broken voice, "I love you mama."

Hugging him, I silently cried... not because I was sad or hurt, but because of the struggles and loneliness he would feel for the rest of his life. The yearning that will always be in him... I cried for that.

~

Hiding in my bed, I silently just laid there, staring at the wall. Disconnected is what I felt. Denial building in my mind. It just didn't make sense. There was her body - colored, beautiful, and lively... yet she had no soul... no heartbeat. I could touch her but she wouldn't say anything to me... wouldn't nag me to keep my hands to myself.

How was it possible? Why did it happen?

Why did my parents die?

My bedroom door opened and I instantly knew who it was. Walking over, I felt my bed dip and their body lightly touch mine. We remained quiet, exploring our own minds until he spoke, "Do you remember their funeral?"

"No," I whispered.

"I do," he said, "that whole morning, you cried for mom to come dress you... because she was the one who helped us with our difficult clothes. Jaelynn tried her hardest to console you but it just riled you up more... I had to help." A flashback came in... Jakob pulling my dress over my head. "When we were seated in the front, you were so uncomfortable. You wiggled around and would cry if someone tried to get you to stop... but the worst part was the open casket... when you saw them, you scream for them... begging them to give you a hug and to talk... I remember seeing Jaelynn cry."

"And you?" I asked, "What did you do?"

"I was silent," he said, "I didn't get it. Why were our parents in a box? Why were all these people in black around? Why was Jaelynn crying? I was so confused that I didn't speak... but that's not you. You demanded answers and when no one was giving it to you, you cried."

Snuggling closer to my pillow, I mutter, "But no matter how much I cried... I never did get explained why happened?"

"You never did."