Pull Me Closer || Aaron Hotchner

Breathe

TW: abandonment, swearing, violence

Lights. Sirens. Screaming, it sounds like your name. You try to open your eyes but nothing will happen, you can't move. Is this what dying feels like? 

"Y/N!"

Hotch, he's here. I can't go, not yet. Our story isn't over, but I don't know if I can fight this...

----

"Y/n,

I know this seems rash or sudden, and it, sudden that is. I knew Spencer would find the letters in the cabin, but I also knew I couldn't leave without explaining this to you. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause, and I'm sorry the explanation can't be better. He killed her in my own home, he took something from me no one has before. I can't see clearly anymore, not with this work. I don't understand what happened and how can I do my job if I don't? I know this hurts you, and I'm sorry. You're a gift, please remember that. I love you as if you're my own, I wish I had told you that more often. Please don't shut down, lean on the team, they're your family. I'm sorry it doesn't make more sense, but I've already told you I just don't understand it anymore."

His words ring through your head, they have for the past 2 days after reading it the first time. Yet somehow, sat here in his old office his badge in hand, it feels different. Almost as if the pain is real now. Tears slowly start seeping down your cheeks and before you know it you can hardly breathe. You knew one day you would lose him, you just didn't think it would be like this, or this soon. A light knock on the door scares you, jumping at the sound, "Y/N we have a-" Hotch stops as he realizes your state. "Hey, are you okay? Is it about Jason?" he asks with worry etched in his voice. You nod slowly as you stand, "I'm fine Hotch, really. Do we have a case?". "Yeah but if you need a minute please take one," he assures you. You nod but follow him out and into the conference room anyways. 

You walk in together, not meeting anyone's eyes but taking the empty seat next to Derek. "JJ the case?" Hotch says. "Right, settle in this one's messy. We've got a family annihilator in Astoria, Oregon. He's killing families of four, mother than father, daughter, and son after. All the families are middle class, living comfortably, but that seems to be the only connection." she presents. "Maybe they're surrogates, report says the son died last could be a way of killing himself after killing a surrogate family?" Emily puts out. She hadn't been on the team long but you were growing to appreciate her, her voice warm and comforting. "That's possible but look at the violence with them, he changes the level of violence on each family member at every scene. In the first scene he stabbed the mother 3 times, once in the chest killing her, he put all his anger on the kids. At the second scene, he put it all towards the father, I don't think they're surrogates. This unsub just hates seemingly happy families and wants to ruin them." you point out. "I think Y/n is right, wheels up in 30." Hotch says validating your theory. You praise him internally for not questioning you after walking in on you crying. Morgan walks out with you instantly nudging you, "Nice catch there, even Hotch complimented it." You stifle out a laugh knowing Hotch doesn't compliment you often. "Hey, I'm here for you. I know Spencer is hurting but you are too. Don't push me away princess." he adds before you can say anything. You roll your eyes at the pet name, knowing he only uses them on you and Garcia. "Thank you, let's get this son of a bitch and then we can drink my feelings away." you say, which apparently was hilarious considering he laughed loud enough for people to stare. "You're on Y/L/N"

"Let's go over the case." Hotch says and immediately you all move to be closer to the computer and case files. Just as you all sit the computer dings and Garcia pops up, "Hello my lovelies, hope the flight is going well. We've got another set of victims, killed less than 3 hours ago." You all sigh knowing how bad this is going to get. "Hotch his cooling down period is getting smaller and smaller." Morgan adds. "Okay JJ, you Prentiss and Reid go to the precinct. Reid start working up a geographical profile, Prentiss speak to the victim's friends and family, and JJ start a line of communication from the local PD to the public. Morgan and Y/L/N we'll go to the latest crime scene, Garcia tell the officers on the scene not to touch anything and wait for us, we land shortly." you all nod at Hotch's order, and with that Garcia disappears off the screen. 

When you first started at the BAU you joined with Spencer. And when you met Jason Gideon all the pieces fell into place. Your father had been abusive the entirety of your life before he just abandoned you and your mom, not a word since. Jason quickly took you under his wing and cared for you as your father should have. You went on trips to his cabin after hard cases, he always made sure you got home safe at night, when he learned you had been taking public transportation he quickly put a stop to that and demanded you ride with someone from the team. Everything that man did for you and Spencer he did out of love, he was a good father to you.

"Y/n" you're jolted from your thoughts, "We landed." Hotch says with a concerned look in his eyes. You notice he has your go bag in his hand but decide against saying something, opting for nodding and walking off the jet. 

At the crime scene you immediately go to the father, him being the most brutal attack this time around, "Looks like 15 stab wounds and blunt force trauma to the head, how soon can we get that confirmed?" you say looking up at the ME in front of him. "By the end of the night we should be able to analyze the family" she says as you nod.

Back at the precinct, you separated from the rest of the team, sitting in a chair back in the conference room. You notice a coffee getting placed down at the table beside you, looking up to see hotch walking away. Little did you know this would become a habit for him. You smiled to yourself and started drinking the coffee. 

You and the team had caught the unsub after a week, the profile led straight to him, and thanks to Garcia and her magic he was easy to bring in. It was when everything was said and done, the team heading back to the hotel that your emotions hit you. Pushing them aside for a case had been easy, it was your job. Derek notices the sudden shift in you, he was a good friend that way. "Come on, let's drink those feelings away." he says poking fun at your words back at Quantico. "Whatever you say muscle man." you say, noting how he immediately became less tense after hearing you joke around.

Two drinks later and you finally open up, "It just hurts. I understand why he did it, I'm not mad at him for doing it. I just-" you pause looking up to avoid the tears from falling, "I never thought I would lose him this soon. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe like the air is somehow gone now that he is. I miss him, but I understand it. " Derek grabs your hand and squeezes softly, "You don't have to understand, you can just feel. We're all here for you, unfortunately, I'm stuck being your best friend so I guess me more than the others." he smirks. You laugh your signature laugh, head tilting back so all your hair falls back, nose scrunching up with joy. Suddenly you understood even if you weren't okay, you would be. The team, your family, would make sure of it.

An|| AH OMG HI OKAY UH first chapter skcnskcnjdn? I hope it wasn't shit lol. I have a lot planned out for this story and I'm trying to write some chapters before posting so I can update it even if my work schedule gets busy <3 Also the first few chapters won't exactly go hand in hand, they're more for setting a base for the story and characters.