I Promise. Niall Horan Fanfic.

Chapter 18

A/N: Short chapter about Andrea. Mostly just thoughts.

Warning: This story IS rated R. The content in this chapter may not appeal to all readers. It's not a chapter, filled with rainbows and butterflies and smiles. 

~

It's been five days since I got the results of my various tests.

It hasn't been easy.

I feel different. I feel numb.

No. I am numb..

I don't know what's going on around me half the time. I'm so shot up on medication that I cant even see straight anymore. All I want to do is sleep and cry.

I'm not alive anymore. I'm barely breathing.

I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?

My ribs are more prominent than ever. I'm made up of pale skin and thin bones. The bags under my eyes run as deep as The Nile River.

I still haven't told Niall and the boys, I haven't even told Kelly. The only person who knows is my mom and Ralf, I had to tell Ralfy. He's been like a dad to me for so long, a best friend. I grew up around him, he's been working for my mom for years. I couldn't keep it from him, not something like this. Not from him.

I've spent the past week in my room crying.

I haven't had a single happy thought in ages. Life doesn't appeal to me anymore.

The concept of living has deteriorated.

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. My old habits, my old way of seeing life.

~

I scrambled around the room looking for my phone, I needed to call her. She knows what's going on. If anyone can help, she can.

But I couldn't find it anywhere.

I looked on my bed, in the sheets, the pillow cases, everywhere.

I looked under the bed, on the dresser, in the drawers,

In the closet, on my makeup table.

My luggage.. Nothing.

I went insane looking for my phone until I found it on the floor next to my makeup bag.

Something in my makeup bag caught my eye. It was a small tube of Triple Antibiotic cream.

In the moment I realized what I wanted.

I dropped my phone and I ran around looking for it.

I checked my bag, my purse, my makeup bag. The back of my drawers. The corners in my closet. My nail polish bin. Old shoe boxes.

Everywhere I could think to check.

I finally found it in the bathroom, in the medicine cabinet.

Once I opened the medicine cabinet old memories came rushing back to me from the previous years.

Old feelings. Feelings I missed. Feelings I've longed for, for so long.

That moment, standing in front of the bathroom mirror I knew it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I was going to do it.

But the question wasn't whether or not I would do it, it wasn't that simple.

The question was, "How far are you wiling to go?"

I didn't know the answer to that question.

I never have.

In fact I've never had to ask myself that question.. until now.

So how far are you wiling to go?

I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror before softly whispering. "As far as it takes."

And in that instant I finally knew the answer to the question I've dreaded for so long.

I looked down at my arm, my perfectly covered arm. Long sleeve shirts and bracelets have always been my best friends.

I slowly rolled up my sleeve exposing my wrist, my ugly scared wrist.

I ran my right hand above each and every cut, every dent, every scar. Tracing them with such precision.

But before I did anything, I had say my final goodbyes.

I grabbed a bottle of pills and a knife from the medicine cabinet and walked over to the closet, setting them down on my makeup table.

I walked over to my school bag and grabbed a pen and a piece of lined paper.

I took a deep breathe and stepped outside of my room and into the hall. I looked around, searching for any signs of life.

None.

I walked back in and closed the door behind me.

I walked over to the closet and sat down, and then I began to write.

~

The time has finally come.

I put the pen down and folded the piece of paper, writing 'My final thoughts.' On the front.

I picked up the bottle of Aspirin and held it in my hand.

I slowly opened it, emptying the contests into a small pile.

I set them out one by one on the table.

I counted 60 Aspirin.

I took a deep breathe and stood.

I walked over to the tub, turning the water off.

"Full enough." I thought walking back to my makeup table.

I sat down and took ones at look in the mirror.

"Be brave."

I grabbed two bottles of water and stared.

I took each pill, one by one until they were all gone.

I couldn't see clearly and my motors skills had been shot to hell.

I struggled to make it to the bathtub, but I did it. I made it.

I grabbed the knife and stepped into the warm water.

I took a nice deep breathe and started sliding down. Letting the water take me whole.

I resurfaced after a few long seconds and I grabbed the knife.

Looking down at my tainted wrist and arm, I readied myself for what was to come.

I sloppily grabbed the handle and started carving vertical lines into my wrist. Some deeper than others. Some longer than other. Some wider that others.

I threw the knife off to the side.

I placed my left arm on the edge of the tub. I sat there watching my blood transform the water into different shades of red.

The edge of the tub soon became a puddle of blood staining the perfect white carpet.

"It's now or never." I though as I finally blacked out.

A/N: Suicide is NEVER the answer. I love you, you are all gorgeous. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'll be here. I wouldn't judge any of you beautiful people.

- Showerofcuntsx3 xx