But to love is to hurt. (Criminal Minds)

Funeral

JJ sat beside her wife's bedside dressed in black her hair pulled back Grace in the crook of Emily's legs sleeping soundly. Emily was still in the hospital recovering before being transferred again.

Emily squeezed her wife's hand saying "Hey, what's going on in that pretty head?"

JJ whipped her tears saying "I have to leave my wife's bedside to go to her funeral and lie to our closest friends and family telling them that my wife, the love of my life, my soulmate and most importantly the wonderful mother to my little girl is dead. I have to come to terms with the fact that you will miss Grace's first steps, her word, her first soccer game, her graduation..." JJ had to pause as she cried harder "... the person she falls in love with and breaks her heart, college, her wedding and every single moment in between. I have to come to terms with the fact you will miss that. I am so damn happy you are alive but I'm so sad you have to leave. I'm pissed I have to lie to our family. To our daughter."

Emily let her breathe before saying like a poem "Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life You were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, blackbird fly Into the light of a dark black night"

JJ laughed saying "You always know what to say."

"You played that one day in the car. That's when I think I truly loved you. You embraced everything that was thrown at you. Everything I threw at you."

"You are my blackbird, Emily."

The little family sat in silence for several minutes.

"You two better get going or you will be late," Emily said

"I don't want to leave."

"You have to go."

"I know. I'll be back after."

"No."

"No?"

"Spend time with the family."

"I can't promise you I will."

"I'm not asking you to promise. I'm asking you to think about it  I'll be here tomorrow."

JJ kissed her wife saying "You better."

JJ walked through the cemetery Grace nestled in her arms. A black veil was pulled down over her face. As soon as they entered the cemetery Elizabeth made a B-line for JJ tears down her face. She and JJ latched onto one another sobbing. JJ embraced each member of her team keeping Grace in her arms. She looked at her wife's dark casket, a beautiful arrangement of white flowers sat on top. She held two red roses in her hand. She looked down at Grace kissing her forehead before moving to place the roses. JJ turned and handed Grace to Elizabeth before turning back collapsing to her knees onto the turf weeping. Derek bent down placing his hand on her back. She turned into his arms latching onto him. He held onto her looking up worryingly at the rest of his team. The rest slowly lowered themselves down next to JJ wrapping her in them. After several more seconds JJ rose from the group's eyes landing on the vibrant blue eyes of her sweet Grace nestled in her grandmother's arms. JJ reached out taking Grace back. Elizabeth said, "Let's get you home dear."

JJ looked around at everyone she called her family saying "I'm not going home. I need a minute away from our house."

Elizabeth asked honest "Where are you going."

JJ said "I don't know. I have packed for anything."

"JJ honey, I know this is hard but you can't run."

"Elizabeth I am not running. I will come back. I just can't be in that house. The house where the comforter is still wrinkled where she would jump on the bed after I would make it. That same bed we made love in. The bed where I told her I was pregnant. The house where her clothes are scattered on the floor because she was too tired. The place with the banister that has a dent in it from a girl's night that got to be too fun. The house where there is still a stain on the floor in my daughter's nursery because my wife can't paint. The place where her coffee cup with lipstick smudges still in the sink. The open book in the living room resting on the table near her side of the couch that she would read to Grace. The couch she jumped over when she heard Grace laugh for the first time. The house where I built a life with her. I need a minute."

Elizabeth nodded, kissing JJ and Grace's forehead saying "Call. Day or night."

Each member of the team took their time to hug her goodbye.

Derek said "I am so sorry. She was my partner and I couldn't protect her. I am so sorry."

"Shhh. I don't blame you." JJ responds truthfully

Garcias was a series of sobs and broken sentences and all JJ could do was cry with her. They all said to her "You come home when you are ready."

JJ nodded before walking slowly to the car. She locked Grace's seat into place, smiling at her daughter before sticking the key into the ignition. The SUV roared to life in her hands. She stepped on the gas checking the rearview mirror to see Grace looking at her. She smiled sadly at her saying

"Let's go see Mama."