This whole chapter is literally just on mental health so it's quite a serious one :/ but remember that's what the point of writing this was! to raise awareness on mental health and help anyone who feels the same. hope you guys like the chapter!
CW// - mentions of anxiety, panic attack, eating disorder and weight throughout the chapter.
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Unknown: put on some weight, jasmine.
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"You want some good news, babe?" Harry asked me one evening as I was lounging in the living room but wasn't exactly in any mood to speak so Harry was just telling me about his day instead. And of course, he'd used the pet name to get my attention, trying to get me to stop moping around.
Did it work? Momentarily, yeah, it made me laugh ever so slightly.
"What, what's the issue?" Harry chuckled, smiling once he saw the smile on my own face.
"I love you, Harry." I sighed as I played with my pendant that was around my neck, not having much else to do.
"So do I." Harry shrugged his shoulders, his cocky nature in play. But whilst I'd really appreciated him trying to make me laugh but I just wasn't able to laugh around.
Every human has a breaking point. And for me, having some new issue every single day since I'd gotten back was making me exhausted. And around two weeks in, I was fed up. I'd reached my breaking point. It was getting really tiring, just to wake up and wonder what surprise would have been in stock for you that day and whether you were going to be able to deal with it. It also became beyond tiring to either stop a panic attack from coming on or to go through it every evening. I'd begun to feel like I was just trying to survive each day at this point - make sure that I got to the end of the day. And when I reached it, I was already fearful for the next day.
And over time, once you'd felt and you'd felt and you'd felt, you'd start to lose touch with reality. You'd lose all emotions - and the only thing you would feel is an empty numbness - as though, a building could collapse on you and you wouldn't even move.
Harry had realised the shift in my mood very quickly even if reaching this state was quite gradual. But of course, how could he not have? I wasn't in the mood to talk to him - or anyone - lately. I'd retreated to quietness but not on my own will. I was something I couldn't stop.
"Jasmine?" Harry called my name, suddenly bringing me out of the trance I'd fallen in and it caused me to flinch ever so slightly. "Did you hear what I said?"
"Harry, I'm sorry." I frowned, a sigh leaving my lips. "Tell me again, I'll listen."
"No, not before you tell me what you're going to do to come out of this hole, Jasmine. You're falling deeper and deeper and I can see you going to a dark place. At first, I left it, aware that you'd know how to look after yourself and I needn't get involved but Jasmine, I can see that you're clearly not doing well."
There was silence after that. I had no idea what to say because what was I to do to get out of this dark hole I was falling into? I couldn't anything - I was helpless. I mean, I could control my feelings whenever a new parcel turned up at the door or whenever I got the kind of texts that clearly indicated to me I was being followed. But to do so was hard. How could you switch off your emotions but maintain your happiness? That would just be ignorance - as they always say that ignorance is bliss. And whilst I was a huge believer in the phrase, I also knew that ignorance gnawed away at you. You could only ignore something for a while and that would have a different effect on you instead.
I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go back to enjoying myself like I was doing before. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do to make it all go away.
But I knew very well what could have helped me.
Harry.
Being with him just made me feel like I was in my own small bubble and the only people who existed would be me and him. I could easily forget about everything that was happening around me just because of his presence. He was like a drug - he took me out of my reality and planted me in a different world - one that I preferred. But it was a shame because he was away so often.
I missed him more than I could ever have the words to express.
It was becoming harder for me now - not seeing him. At first I thought I'd be okay with it but it really was something I was finding more difficult over time, which was weird because I would have thought I'd be getting used to it.
But then again, the threats and 'presents' I was getting then would be nothing compared to what I'm getting now so of course I wanted him around me.
It was getting rather lonely, coming home to a huge home with nobody here to laugh around with. The silence was beginning to be quite daunting and cold instead of relaxing and peaceful. No matter where I stayed, whether it was in our home in Hampstead, Harry's old party house or the penthouse, each had the same deafening stillness - almost as though you were in a place you weren't supposed to be. And no matter how I tried to keep myself company - calling home to speak with Mum or Dad, face-timing Hannah or rining Alex so that I could fondle over the new baby, or talk to Amy, or gossip with Alice or annoy Alex - nothing seemed to work to make me feel comfortable or homely at all. Not even lighting up candles or the fireplace - despite it being spring - would make me feel warm at all. Not when the silence was so deadly and glacial, so knife-cutting that the sound of a pin dropping wouldn't just be heard but would echo a million times.
Whenever Eleanor came over, she did recommend we watch some movie to try and bring some energy back into the house but not even that was enough. I think it partly came from my lack of enthusiasm and my constant paranoia.
It was one thing to feel out of place but it was another to feel that your presence was rather intruding. And it was weird how my presence in my home led me to feel like I was committing a sin when all I was trying to do was go about my day.
It was crazy how the place I would have wished to call my safe place was no longer my safe place. It was just as uninviting as any place now.
"Come back." I'd told Harry although I wasn't expecting my voice to break as I said it. I'd never wanted to be so vulnerable when I could see he was having quite a few good days after having the most stressful days. I certainly didn't want to bring his mood down and I guess it was why I'd tried to stay away from talking to him for a while. But you could only hold your feelings in for so long, until it became a burden to carry around. So when I noticed Harry's expression turn into a frown, compared to his rather observant expression before, I'd instantly felt bad that I'd brought it up. "I'm sorry, I- you were having such a good day and I didn't want to rain on your parade."
"No, Jasmine." His eyebrows were furrowed even more as he responded to me. "Talk to me. If letting out how you feel is going to help you, I'm going to be here no matter what. And if I'm speaking honestly, my day was just the same as every other day - I was just trying to come up with something to take your mind off of all of this stuff." He admitted. And for some reason, him saying that brought the tiniest smile on my face, one that I couldn't help but let make its way.
"I need you here, Harry. I hate living on my own." I told him truthfully.
"You know I would have taken you with me everywhere on the last tour and this one if it meant you weren't staying there, alone, right?" He replied and I nodded my head. I knew he would have done that, there was no doubt about it. Even if their management never agreed to it, he would have done something to make sure that I came around with him, on every square inch of every city that he would be going through. In fact, he would have even forced me to come along. But he respected that I wasn't the type who liked to depend on someone so much.
But the truth was, as much as I didn't like it, Harry was turning me into the opposite of who I was before. I used to dream of wanting to live alone but experiencing living with him makes me detest the mere thought of living by myself. I didn't want those silent evenings in a home with fields surrounding that I would use to find inspiration in to write to my heart's desire, and I didn't want those early mornings and early nights - if it meant he wasn't with me or that I wasn't staying up till odd hours of the night talking and laughing away with him with the sound of the fire in the fireplace crackling away, dying down by the time the sun rose to us waking up beside each other. I didn't want to work anymore if it meant that I was with him every single day, no matter where he was, no matter how much of an independent woman I always dreamed of being. I realised, without him by my side that home wasn't a building. It was a feeling. It was made of memories; of laughter; of contentment. And I felt at home whenever Harry was around.
We didn't speak for long after that. I'd told him that I just wanted to sleep. It was the one way I knew how to best deal with my problems. It was much easier that way. Harry wasn't so impressed - he tried to get me to stay on the call but I just needed to ignore all of this and talking to Harry was certainly not going to help as it only made me miss him more.
"Jasmine, please, love. I hate the thought of you just hanging up like this and my mind won't feel at peace until I know you're okay. Don't sleep yet; talk to me. We'll get through this together like I promised you we would."
"I am okay." I insisted, even though those three words had no weight of importance to either of us. "I just want to sleep, Harry." I frowned.
"Let me stay on the call till you sleep." He pleaded then, which I found highly weird. "You've fallen asleep before, Jasmine, in the middle of our calls."
"Just twice." I replied. "And it was just because I was tired."
"And you're tired now. I'll just get on with my own stuff and you can get to sleep."
"I'm not tired. I just want to sleep." I sighed. "I'll be okay, H. I'll text you as soon as I wake up."
"Okay." He replied softly. "And if you can't get to sleep, just call me. I'm free for the next four hours."
And as much as I would have loved to stay on the phone with him for those four hours, I really needed to focus on myself that day. It was just one of those days that you weren't motivated to do anything and it was those days I hated the most because I liked to be productive and I felt furthest from it. Even if productive meant staying up to talk to Harry, I usually would have been all for it but that day, I just slept in the living room once again after I put on some relaxing music on the TV to help me relax and fall asleep to.
I slept quite quickly. I'd definitely have to thank the smell of the lavender diffuser that I'd begun to use lately. Harry had an amazing collection of candles and fragrance diffusers but he hardly used them - they just stayed as decor pieces. But the one that he used the most was the lavender diffuser - it was an electric one and had a timer that you could set so it would turn off after a while. And whenever I turned it on, it always reminded me of evenings when Harry came home from tour and would turn it on just to feel at home - it was a routine thing every time he came home. We would lounge on the sofas as I cuddled beside him, his bags at the other end of the room, forgotten about as he told me about some of the highlights of the tour. Occasionally, he would talk to me about something he wrote whilst he was away and was quite proud of, excited to share it with me. And I would listen to it with the biggest smile on my face. The smell of it just had some of the best memories connotated to it and using it brought me a lot of comfort too, taking me back to how I felt during those moments - satisfied and contented which was the complete opposite to how I felt now.
But unfortunately, whilst I did get to sleep, I woke up again in the middle of the night. But it was quite normal to me these days, freestyling my sleep rather than having an actual sleep routine. What was day and what night when some days were spent asleep and some nights were spent awake? And what was day and night when they both merged into one, more often than not?
My struggle with sleeping had been going on for a while now. At this point, it seemed to be luxurious to me to even get a minute of sleep when most nights I was too distracted to sleep and too afraid to shut my eyes.
I managed though, to get some work done for the office in that time. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy when I'd finished quite a few tasks from the early hours of two-thirty to the time I should have woken up, at seven. I might have actually smiled to myself for the first time in quite a long time, just knowing that not sleeping this much had one positive thing - I was more productive. Knowing that I'd taken quite a lot of holidays since I'd started, that Chris was ever so kind to not question me for, I knew that I had to make it up to him and this was probably the best way - keep on working so that he could see that I wasn't taking this job easily.
But one day led to the other and the other and the other being the same and slowly I was rather comfortable with pulling all-nighters for a few days in a row just because I'd then sleep for a few hours in the day after a few days of no sleep.
Harry had also ensured that there was always tight security at our place and we had a bigger team of people who were around the house and there would always be more than one person awake at all times of the day and night. And whilst I did feel bad, it did really help me to know that I was as safe as possible now.
Anthony was obviously amazing - he and I had actually become quite good friends too and he always went above and beyond his job specifications. He helped me during my panic attacks always and made sure that he was always there to listen to me if I was ever worried about a single thing. But it was different to have one security person who stayed around you than having a group of people actually protecting the house too, so nobody got too close and it also helped my fear go away - that there could be someone upstairs whilst I was down or the other way around. I now felt more comfortable to use the rest of the house ever so slightly. I mean, I still slept in the living room, unless if I went to the penthouse where I could comfortably sleep in the bed, happily.
"Jasmine, as your friend, I care about you a lot. And girl, you look like you've not slept or eaten well in ages." Eleanor said to me one evening when she dropped by.
We'd also called Zayn over that day because we hadn't heard from him in a while and we wanted to make sure that he wasn't completely isolated after he came back here, even if he wanted his time. And I was just glad that she didn't say that in front of Zayn because I didn't even appreciate her saying it when we were alone so I definitely wasn't going to appreciate it if she brought it up whilst Zayn was here.
"I'm completely fine, Eleanor. What are you talking about?" I frowned as the two of us walked into the living room together.
"I'm talking about the bags under your eyes and you look like you've not been eating well." She said quite bluntly and I didn't know exactly how to respond to that.
I was looking after myself. I knew I was. Okay, I might not have gotten that much sleep lately but that wasn't in my control, surely? I did try to sleep but I was just too paranoid to be alone, in the dark, with my eyes shut, not knowing or being aware of what was happening around me.
I also had been eating well and I was also careful to make sure that I didn't fall back on old tracks so I ignored my lack of appetite most of the time, just because I didn't want to go through the things I'd already been through once. Wasn't that enough to show that I was looking after myself?
"I'm fine, Eleanor." I insisted. "I just have a lot of work stuff to do so I'm just a little tired." I tried, seeing it as the only explanation that she could have believed. Besides, I was certain that what I was saying was correct - I just knew that I would never be able to get Eleanor to believe me. I asked her then if we could just drop the conversation but she clearly didn't want to. We were saved though, when I heard the sound of the gate buzzing outside. I knew that security would check first, but I knew it was Zayn and also needed to escape the conversation so I told her that I'd go and check. She let me go, without much apart from a sigh and I could tell she was annoyed but on that matter, Eleanor could be as mad as she wanted at me - I was doing perfectly fine and she needed to know that. But if she wasn't willing to understand then I'd rather avoid the whole conversation instead because I really didn't want to talk more about it at all.
When Zayn walked in, he brought with him the smell of pizza and Eleanor and I smiled softly when we noticed that he'd picked it up on the way here. He looked good compared to the last time we'd seen him. I could tell that in the three weeks, he'd just tried his hardest to take time for himself which honestly made me so happy. It was still obvious though that he was stressed and was still not taking care of himself as best as he should but he has the time and I'm sure he'll take it to make sure he does get better.
I was the most glad, though, when Eleanor and I managed to convince Zayn to stay over. Honestly, it was largely just because we promised him we'd let him pick the movie and that was enough for him to be convinced. But also because even he knew he was fed up of taking some time for himself. I mean, how could he not be, his life was thrown on a pedestal for the last five years and now he had free time, of course he'd felt bored instantly.
"I'm going to Bradford at the end of this week." Zayn had said to us. "I think I'll be there for a few months - spend time with my parents and my family, especially my sisters."
"Are you going to go with Perrie?" I'd asked, nodding my head at what he'd said, a smile on my face.
"Maybe, I'm not sure yet." He responded, nonchalantly before changing the conversation. "You doing good, Jaz? You seem a little tired." He'd said and I'd instinctively looked at Eleanor, who I knew was already looking at me, proving her point from earlier.
"Yeah, Eleanor said the same thing to me." I frowned when I turned back to Zayn. "I'm not sure why - I've honestly just been stressed about work but that's about it."
Zayn nodded his head in response, although his gaze lingered on me for a while and I could tell with the way he was looking at me that he didn't believe me either, just like Eleanor. And I honestly had no idea why.
Did I really look that tired? Did the last three weeks really play that much of an impact on me? Was it obvious to everyone?
Those, and many others, were the questions that were wondering through my mind a few mornings later as I stood in the bathroom, taking the time to actually look at my reflection. I hadn't done so in a while as I always just did my makeup, wore my clothes and left, without looking too much at myself.
I saw dull hazel eyes that held no emotion within them. I saw pale skin. But that was about it. And that was just because I wasn't sleeping well lately. I didn't think I looked that different. I mean, maybe I had quite visible eye bags but I always made sure that my makeup concealed it so it was highly unlikely that Zayn and Eleanor could have picked up on it. I also was breaking out a bit, but I doubted that had anything to do with me either. It was probably just the normal hormonal stuff that goes on that I never bothered too much to understand but heard Mum tell me every time she noticed I was worrying too much about it as a teen. So maybe I might not be following my skin care routine at all lately, but I still looked after myself. I knew it and I was sure of it. The person looking back at me did seem quite empty though but I already knew I had a problem with sleeping lately. Eating wasn't so much of an issue, I knew it wasn't. It couldn't be.
My eyes then caught onto something in the corner, something that I hated usually when all it was was a device that told you your gravitational pull but for some reason the numbers that would flash in front of me each time would scare me.
It was why I could go for ages without checking my weight. It just felt like it was better to never know than know. Particularly when I had the tendancy to be on one extreme side of the scale - not so much anymore but in the past definitely - I just always feared the machine. It was like a device that was created for humiliation, in my mind.
I remember still, days at the doctors when they'd need to check my weight after I'd been diagnosed with my eating disorder and standing on the machine was my biggest nightmare. I dreaded my routinely checkups more than anything. It felt so embarrassing to put forth one leg and then the other, whilst the doctor would just watch me, waiting for it to be done with and Mum, watching me with concern. And when you've stood there, kept your face forward, the tiny seconds of wait felt much longer than they probably were.
And because of my diagnosis, I used to be told constant words of reassurement.
"It won't take too long, Jasmine."
"It's a matter of a few seconds."
"We just want to make sure you're healthy."
I felt like such a kid every time I stood there in the consultation room of Dr Egarton's room.
"Jasmine?" I remember Alex had gone with me once and he was clearly quite worried. He was always worried, if I remember correctly. Any doctor appointments, any time I was going to my therapist and in general in my everyday routine. "It's just a few moments and it's better to get it over with." He'd said when I was looking down at the machine, similar to how I was currently looking at it.
But I couldn't help but look at it as something that was taunting me all the time.
Even now. It just looked up at me as though it was staring at me.
I remember when I was in the phase of needing to monitor my weight, Mum and Dad would always try to check in with me and it was usually what led to me getting mad at them before I went down to the park, no matter what time it was. I hated sharing it with anyone because I didn't want to be judged for it in any way. I was embarrassed and I couldn't let other people feed into it, even if they were caring about me. Besides, I used to think that if they cared about me then they wouldn't make me do something I didn't want to do so it's easy to see why it was impossible to talk some sense in me then.
My phone rang in my pocket right then, bringing me back to reality. I sighed softly as I took it out, struggling a little because of the mental breakdown I didn't even realise I was in the midst of.
"Harry?" I breathed, not wanting my breath to sound raggedy at all but it did. I had to turn away, biting my lip as I didn't want to look at the machine.
"Hey Ja - Jasmine, are you okay?" Harry asked and I could tell he was clearly confused.
"Can you help me?" I replied just as I knew I was going to lose it. I'd lose all control of the situation I was in and my mind would spiral into deep depths and I couldn't do anything about it. I needed him to help me out.
"What happe-"
"Anxi- oh God, Harry, my chest hurts." I cut him off, a sharp pain through my chest right then and I found the countertop behind me for me to hold onto, tightly in so much pain.
"Yeah, of course, Jasmine." He replied instantaneously and I heard some shuffling before he spoke up again. "Can you take a deep breath for me, J?"
I was so glad that he'd called when he did. Of course he didn't exactly know what was going on but it almost seemed as though he did, just because of how he'd called right when I needed him. He guided me through it, helping me return back to a calmer state of breathing, a while later. It was quiet for a while as I processed exactly what had happened.
"I'm sorry, Harry." I sighed before I sat down on the stool, glad that it was near me. But just as I did, my eyes flickered to the weighing machine that was in the same position I left it, lifeless. It looked so harmless now, from where I was but it was when I towered above it that it had complete control over me.
"Take your time." He said softly. "And when you're ready, you can talk to me, yeah? If you want, of course."
"I was-" I began but realised exactly how stupid what I was going to say would sound. But it was almost as though Harry heard my thoughts even though he was sat miles away because he'd directly answered my thoughts.
"Whatever it is, it isn't stupid, J." He assured me. "And I'm not going to judge you for anything. I just need to know you're okay."
"I am." I replied softly. "I wanted to check my weight. But I stood there and I couldn't move a limb. It just reminded me of all the times I was forced to check my weight at the doctors and how much I hated it."
"I'm so sorry, Jasmine." He replied earnestly. "I can't imagine how daunting it must have been for you. I'm just glad it happened when it happened because I would hate that you'd have a panic attack and I'd just not be there to help you out."
"Harry." I sighed, frowning ever so slightly. I decided to not tell him though, how I had a panic attack almost every day lately. He didn't need that worry on his shoulders. "Can you stay on the call whilst I check?"
"Yeah, of course." He replied and I took that as my queue to make my way back to the weighing machine, after changing the phone to speaker and putting it down on the stool whilst I checked myself.
It was scary and I think even Harry could hear my laboured breathing as I tried my hardest to make sure that I wouldn't start panicking again. And luckily, when I was done and I succeeded in my task, the tiniest smile made its' way on my face. I was glad that I'd gotten it over with. But seeing the number just made me aware that Eleanor and Zayn weren't just saying anything random when I'd seen them the other day. They were clearly right and I'd just not realised.
Or that could have been my weight from way before and I hadn't known?
And of course, denial was always easier than accepting the bitter truth.
"Jasmine?" Harry called a few second later.
"Harry." I responded just as I put the machine back in its' place and picked my phone back up. "I love you so much."
There was hesitation on Harry's side. But I could hear the smile in his voice when he replied with, "I love you more than 'so much'." Hearing that brought out a smile on my face just as I left the bathroom and instead I went to the garden, where he and I spoke to one another for the longest time, enjoying our company, even if it was just over the phone.
Hi guys, hope you liked this chapter!
Let me know what you guys think!!
Today's question - how are you? like genuinely how are you? how's your mental health? how's your stress load?
I think it's really important to actually talk about how we genuinely are, not just a casual "how are you" "i'm good" thing like are you actually good? are you looking after yourself kind of thing because taking an extra second, just for that could honestly help your or also make someone's day a whole lot better.
But yeah, take care of yourselves!! Let me know what you thought about this chapter!!
Love you all, like always!
Irmina <3