Okay, now I'm pissed.
"Akala ko ba gusto mong mag-practice? You came all the way here knowing I live alone in an apartment, admitted you wanted to have an experience before you do it with your girl, what do you think that might send me?"
"But I didn't want to do it like... right now!"
I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm having this kind of conversation when I was already naked and my body aching of getting fucked.
Humalukipkip ako. "Tell me, do you even know how it works?"
"Of course, I know!"
Thank goodness then. Akala ko'y mag-a-ala-teacher pa ako sa kanya. At akala ko rin ay kailangan ko na siyang parangalan ng Guiness World Record mula sa kawalan ng kahit anong kaalaman tungkol sa sex.
Lumihis siya ng tingin at mula sa pagkiskis niya ng kanyang ngipin, naisip kong maski siya'y naiinis din na nahihiya siya tungkol dito. "I just... I thought, we would just talk."
Talk? Tch. Buong tapang siyang lumusob dito sa pamamahay ko nang wala man lang alarm-alarm, tapos ngayong nagkomprontahan na kami, saka siya titiklop? Namewang ako.
"Isa pa, alam mo namang hindi tayo gaano ka-close 'di ba?" sabi niya.
Issue pa iyon sa kanya? E samantalang kung makasalita siya kanina, parang handa siyang makipag-sex kahit kanino magkaroon lang ng sapat na kaalaman.
But somehow what he said hurt me even if it's true. Tinuturing naming friends ang isa't isa sa oras lang na magkakasama kami ng mga friends namin. It's like we were only connected with the presence of others. But once they're gone, that connection we had was also gone. How could we even lay a finger to each other when he gets frightened everytime I get close to him?
"Then why did you come here? Why me?"
"Wala. Naisip ko lang na ikaw lang ang malalapitan ko tungkol sa bagay na ito. And I know you're someone who doesn't tell others. I can tell it just from your eyes. Hindi mo gustong makipagdaldalan."
I might have been touched knowing he was carefully observing me from our class, but from what he said, he just made me look disposable. No close friends, no guardian nearby, no established name—that if I ever did tell someone about what we do, no one would believe me.
I wanted to laugh but I guess I didn't have the right to, because after all, everything that happens to me was my fault. Everything.
I sniffled and forced myself to look at him. "What is it that you wanted to know?"
"The right way to do it."
"There's no standard way to do it, silly. It's different for everyone."
"But I still have to know something at least. Mas okay na iyon kaysa para akong tangang gumagalaw lang nang parang robot."
"Don't you watch porn? Hindi ka ba marunong mag-imagine?" I peeked at his palms and noticed there's a bump on it, which meant he knew how to play with himself. Hindi pa ba iyon sapat na assurance na may kaalaman siya?
"I do, but you don't understand. If I don't know something, natutulala lang ako. Hindi ko maigalaw ang katawan ko."
I sighed. Bakit ko pa nga ba siya kinukwestyon e siya na nga itong may gusto? Pero ang weird lang dahil noong naghubad ako sa harapan niya para siyang batang takot na takot.
Or maybe it was just like what he said? Dahil wala pa siyang kaalam-alam sa kung anong gagawin, natutulala lang siya at hindi niya maigalaw ang katawan niya?
But didn't he realize that if he were going to use me, he would actually have to touch my body?
Somehow, I need to fix that.
"Let's make this clear," I said, "do you want to have sex with me?"
His breath hitched. "Uhh, pero huwag munang ano—"
"Yes or no?"
"Yes."
Oh. Good.
"Are you aware I'm a boy?" I said.
"Of course, I know that."
"Well, karamihan kasi ay napagkakamalan akong babae dahil sa pigura ko but at least it's good knowing you're not confused."
"At ang tagal na nating magkaklase kaya? Imposibleng malito pa ako?"
"That was just two years. Anong kinatagal no'n?"
Hindi siya nakasagot.
"Anyway, is it fine for you to have sex with a boy?" sabi ko.
"But you're not."
God. I can't. "Yes, I know I'm gay. My point is I still have a dick."
"You don't have to mention that."
"What? Does that make you uncomfortable?" Kiniling ko ang ulo ko. "Then I think it's better if we stop this already."
"Wait—no." He grabbed my wrist. And there it was again, the determination in his eyes. Para akong nakakakita ng nagbabagang apoy sa itim ng kanyang mata. "I'm okay with it," he said. "Teach me."
My face wanted to blush because I know it's rare for guys to say those things and yet he uttered it like it's nothing. Siguro naman bago siya pumunta sa bahay ko, he already had thought about this a hundred times, right? Na-imagine na kaya niya ang posible naming gawin? How was it? How did he act on it? I was so curious that I felt like I would jump right on top of him the moment he allow me.
I looked away. I shouldn't be thinking those kinds of things when he just said a while ago that he's only doing this for him to be ready for his girl. I was just here to do him a favor.
"Okay. We're clear then," I said with a slight nod.
"Now what?"
Yeah, now what? I paced around the room with my hand pinching my jaw. The simplest way to do it was to just try it and let him experiment on me. But with the way he looked at me earlier when I undressed in front of him made me think it's impossible. Siya ata iyong tipong gustong inuunti-unti ang pagkatuto. But how can I teach him in that manner? Should we watch porn together? Hmm. I doubt that would help him even just a bit. Siya raw kasi iyong tipong natututo lang sa experience, pero nakakaloko lang dahil ayaw din naman niyang ma-experience agad-agad.
Ah, alam ko na. First, I need to pull him away from his comfort zone. I need to make him comfortable.
"Will you take your clothes off?"
"What? I told you, I don't want to do it now."
"Kumalma ka lang muna, pwede? Bakit sinabi ko bang gawin na natin ngayon? Ang sinabi ko lang sa iyo ay maghubad ka lang ng damit."
"But—"
"Face the reality, Ryle. Kailan ka nakakita ng dalawang taong nagse-sex nang wala man lang tinanggal na piraso ng damit?" Well technically, it's possible. Magbukasan lang ng zipper ang dalawang tao, okay na. But that's not the point!
His hand went to a button on his uniform, but it stopped before it could even untangle.
Kung pwedeng ako na lang ang maghubad sa kanya, ginawa ko na, but that might throw him off. Isa pa, sexual assault iyon! I don't want to be painted the bad guy when everything that was happening now was solely his idea!
"Hindi ka ba sanay na nakahubad sa harap ng ibang tao?" tanong ko. "Sa pagkakatanda ko, naka-shirtless ka naman noong nag-beach tayo last summer vacation."
"Iba naman kasi ngayon. You wanted to see me completely naked."
Sino kaya sa amin itong nakaisip na mag-sex kami? Hindi ba't siya? Ang gara nitong lalaking ito, kung makaasta e minamanyak ko siya?
Bakit ba kasi ayaw niyang maghubad? Is he that too ashamed of his body? Pino naman ang hugis niya. May umbok ang dibdib, flat naman ang kanyang tiyan, at mukha namang hindi maliit ang kanya. May mga kumakalat pa ngang balita sa school na daks daw siya.
Or maybe he's afraid because of the fact that I'm gay? He's straight after all. He might be one of those guys who thinks it's okay to prey on girls but cries foul when they are the one being preyed on. His ego can't take it for sure.
"Huwag mong isiping gusto ko lang makita iyang ano mo," sabi ko. "Trust me, I know what a dick looks like. Think of this as the start of our practice. Our goal is to be comfortable around each other naked."
In cue, I pulled down my underwear—not because I wanted him to see my dick, but because I wanted him to build some trust with me, and the only way for me to do that is to let myself take the first step.
He froze for a second. He just stood there looking at me in my wholeness. I know mine was small and unimpressive, but the way his eyes lingered at my dick was so suggestive that it was making me wonder what he thought about it. Ang matulala siya roon ay bahagyang nakapagpanigas sa akin. Hindi man ako iyong tipong nahihiyang maghubad sa harap ng isang lalaki pero pakiramdam ko'y unang beses ito na gusto kong takpan agad ang sarili ko.
My act of bravery must have encouraged him to act. Tumayo na siya at nagsimula na sa paghubad ng kanyang suot. There were no longer signs of hesitations in his hands, tuloy-tuloy lang ito sa pagtanggal ng kanyang mga butones. He dropped his uniform on the floor, even his undershirt, revealing an even better version of his toned body than the one I remembered from the beach.
Napalunok-laway ako, na siyang nakapagtataka dahil hindi naman ito ang unang beses na nakakita ako ng lalaking nakahubad pang-itaas, at kung tutuusin nga, may ibang mga lalaking naghubad na rin sa harapan ko na higit pang maganda ang hubog ng pangangatawan kaysa sa kanya. Sakto lang ang kanya. Hindi payat, hindi rin mataba, na siyang inaasahan ko na rin dahil hindi naman siya sporty na tao. Saktong workout at jogging lang siguro ang kanyang mga physical activities. Nothing too special. Kaya bakit parang kabado ako? Bakit kung makaasta ako ay parang may prinsipeng naghuhubad sa harapan ko? Dahil ba gwapo? Dahil ba sikat siya sa school? O dahil ba ako itong makaka-una sa kanya?
He unbuckled his belt. And the moment he slid his zipper down, when I saw the garter of his underwear, adrenaline rushed through my veins. It's just I had a thing for thick boxer brief garters worn by other guys, them in underwear, and the excitement of guessing what I was about to see.
Pagkatulak niya ng kanyang pantalon paibaba, huminga muna siya saglit at nahinto sa tapat ko. The bulging on his boxers was left there hanging, teasing me.
"Unfair naman kung iiiwan mo iyan," tukoy ko sa itim niyang boxers.
"Wait lang."
His breath worked as if he's gathering more strength. Then in one swift move, his fingers tucked on his garters and he bent his body to slide it down. He looked away. Closed his eyes even.
It's just what I thought. He has nothing to be ashamed of. His dick might not be erected totally now but guessing from it's half-awake size, it's quite big. Sa nakikita ko, kahit huwag na siyang mag-abala pang mag-practice, kahit sinong babaeng makakakita ng katawang meron siya ay kusa nang kikilos.
But knowing him from his attitude a while ago, I know he didn't want that to happen. He wanted to be that someone who had control of the situation. And even though it's not my problem, I kinda felt like I was dragged to this responsibility, and I was dragged even more by his decision to bare his body to me.
It was taking me a lot of effort to control myself and to stop my mouth from watering. Matagal na panahon na rin mula nang huli akong maka-chupa at ang makita siyang naka-hubo't hubad sa harapan ko'y talagang sadyang nakatutukso. I could already imagine his reaction once I kneeled in front of him. He would complain at first, but I know he would succumb to me the moment he saw me taking him in, the moment he received the enchanting power of my tongue. Kinurot-kurot ko na lang ang sarili ko at nang makabalik ako sa dating katinuan.
"What?" he said. "Say something."
His insecurities might have been strangling him the longer I remain silent. I know because the first time I was naked in front of a guy, I was bombarded with my own questions. Okay ba ako? Kaaya-aya ba ang nakikita niya? Am I someone he wanted to do things with? Not saying any compliment would definitely kill him.
"You have a nice body," I said. I refused to comment about his length even though I wanted to. Men are fragile when the topic is about their dick.
He nodded. "Thanks." Then he squinted as if to question himself whether that was an appropriate response.
I stiffened a laugh. Grabe naman kasi iyong pagka-perfectionist nito. Parang kahit maliit na bagay, poproblemahin niya kung anong tamang gawin. Sa ugali niyang iyan, hula ko'y ilang linggo o buwan din niya pinroblema itong paghingi niya ng tulong sa akin.
"Pwede ka nang magdamit," sabi ko.
He shot me a look. "What? Iyon lang iyon?"
"You said it yourself, you don't want us to do it now. So naisip kong iunti-unti lang natin ang bagay-bagay. Unless... you changed your mind?"
"Ah, no. You're right. Mas okay na ngang hanggang ganito lang muna."
Natawa ako sa kanya. Hindi ko akalaing ang seryosong tulad niya'y may ganitong side din pala. Feeling ko tuloy, masyado lang akong napopokus sa sarili kong mga problema na nakakalimutan ko na ang ilang mga taong nasa malapit lang. Siguro'y iyon ang isa sa mga dahilan no, Joshua? Kung bakit mo ako iniwan? Na masyado lang akong nakatuon sa sarili ko. Na makasarili lang talaga akong tao.
Ryle grabbed his clothes and covered himself as quickly as possible. I, on the other hand, didn't even bother clothing myself. Sinuot ko lang muli ang underwear ko tapos hinayaan ko lang na nakakalat sa sahig ang ilan kong suot kanina.
"So, 'till next time?" sabi niya nang makapagbihis na.
"Bahala ka. Kung umayaw ka rin bigla, okay lang din. Wala naman akong paki."
He smiled, which confused me, because what's there to smile about?
"We should at least exchange numbers para ma-text kita agad kung balak kong pumunta rito."
This would be romantic for me if not for his strange request na pag-practice-an niya ako, if he didn't mention he liked a girl, that he wanted us to do it just to please his said girl.
"Sure," sabi ko sabay type sa phone niya ng number ko.
He tapped a few keys and my phone rang. "Okay, that's me."
I didn't even bother showing any reaction. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na magkaka-textmate-an kaming dalawa e may Inesa na nga siya, habang ako naman ay may sapat nang mga problema para malibang ang sarili. Tumango na lang ako.
"Salamat sa araw na ito, Conan," sabi niya nang bitbitin niya na ang mga gamit niya at lumabas na ng pinto. Nakangiti siya habang nakaangat ang palad niya sa pamamaalam sa akin.
Sa saglit niyang pagtingin sa akin ay parang hinihintay niya ako na may sabihin sa kanya pabalik, pero gaya ng sa kanina, tumango na lang ako. I didn't want him to have an impression that I was looking forward for our next practice—kung practice nga bang maituturing ang ginagawa namin—dahil alam kong sa bandang huli, iiwanan niya rin ako.
Because that's what men do.They love to leave.