#WhatWouldItBe
I couldn't believe how a simple land of yesterday can be this gloomy and melancholy. I've known that this place were never been a happy place, in spite of the words they keep saying they will be in a better place after passing.
Maybe God was with me because he hid the sun behind those dark clouds kaya hindi masyadong mainit kahit manatili ako dito sa tapat.
All I can read was his name and the dates below it. Matalahib na rin ang mga grass na inaapakan ko, hindi pa naman kasi Halloween season kaya wala pang nagbabalak naglinis.
Pero kahit na, I can still see the tomb in front of me. Iyong buhay na nagbigay ng buhay sa akin, was inside for how many years.
Up until now, I can't believe na kung kailan kami huling nagkita makalipas ang ilang taon ay iyon na rin pala ang huli.
"I've been living the dream that I thought I couldn't reach before, pa.." bulong ko sa hangin.
Is he here? Hindi naman ako matatakot. Presumably was there's a lot of lost ghosts in here, watching me away from here. Perhaps standing beside the tomb or they are sitting on it.
"Everything is okay already.. I got the title, I'n working in a big firm, mama's okay, may ipon na ako. But I think, there's still a gap to fill inside me."
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nagpunta dito. Dahil siguro hindi na ako masyadong makabisita. Maraming ginagawa, marami pa rin naman but I just think immediately na pumunta ako rito. Just for lunch time.
Babalik din ako sa trabaho mamaya.
"Nale's still asking about the money you left for me. Akala niya ata hindi ko ginagamit dahil sa issue natin but.." I clasps my palm behind my neck. "I used some of it when I passed the BAR. Siguro ginawa ko iyon para kahit papaano, masabi ko na you were a part of what I pulled through. Kahit na alam mo na.. may bad blood sa atin noong meron ka pa."
My mind's trying to recall the day we knew he got into an accident but there's no even a fragment of information coming. Siguro dahil kasama ko si Trent noon, at nangako ako na kakalimutan ko na lahat ng mga araw na kasama ko siya?
Siguro nga.
"But what matters now is.. I'm happy. Mama's happy. Everyone's happy around me. Sana masaya ka na rin diyan. Ang weird lang na kung kausapin kita e parang okay pa tayo noong huli tayong nagkita.."
But I shrugs, "Pero hayaan mo na... Wala ka na.. dapat wala na rin akong galit sa'yo."
When my eyes found one gravedigger, I pulled myself up again. Ngumiti ako at pinagpag ang ibabaw ng nitso. There's flower everywhere, galing sa bulaklak na dala ko kanina.
"Guide me the way you should've done before, okay?" my mind's clashing if I should say I love you to him but I'm already outside the cemetery, and no words escaped my mouth just like that.
***
"Atty. Raval!"
Agad din akong bumalik sa firm dahil marami pa talaga akong gagawin. Weekend na sa susunod na araw at pakiramdam ko wala ring saysay dahil dumami complaint na pumapasok sa firm.
I scroll my eyes just to look whoever called me. The usual girl in front desk is waving her hand on me kaya siguro siya ang tumawag sa akin.
"Yes?"
"Ah. Punta raw po kayo sa office ni Atty. Arcilla. Hinahanap po kayo kanina pero binilinan na lang po niya kami nung sinabi namin na umalis po kaya."
Kinagat ko ang labi at marahan na tumango. Why is he asking me to come over? May problema na naman ba?
"Bakit daw?"
"Hindi naman po sinabi. Better if punta na lang po kayo. Nandoon lang naman siya mismo."
There's something about her smile that is weird. We don't always talk, hindi naman kasi kami close but we exchange smiles whenever we see each other.
But today? It looks like her smile screams celebration. Ano bang meron?
I merely nod my head and just thanked her for letting me know. Agad din naman akong nagpunta sa office ni Von. I knocked three times, as I always doing until I heard him scream inside.
Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pintuan, only to see a dim office but what really caught my attention was the dining table he has inside.
He's standing beside it, lighting the candle up. Natawa naman ako sa nakita. "What's with that?"
Mabilis nagtagpo ang tingin naming dalawa. But my eyes fixed something on him that really made my eyes bawl out!
God! His hair so bright but that didn't caught my attention first! What the hell?! "Bagay ba?" he fingered his hair on back of his head and smiles.
"What's with the blonde hair?" mas lalong umawang ang labi ko. He asked me to put the lights on blast and that just made me see his hair more now.
Humalakhak siya at binaba ang hawak na lighter. "For celebration? I'm celebrating something," he answered.
Bigla akong ginapangan ng kaba. Kinapa ko lahat ng memorya ko, para maalala kung birthday niya ba ngayon or what but no! Next week pa birthday niya, ah?!
"I'm done with the case," he grabs something from his table and lend it on me. Pero nasa buhok niya pa rin ang atensyon ko.
Our hair is almost the same. Brunette. And I have never done any of that color but him right now... now I know why the fronr desk is giggling so hard a while ago!
Dahil pala sa itsura niya ngayon!
"Read it," he commanded. "And you'll know why I get this hair done,"
Kinuha ko rin naman kaagad iyong inaalok niya. It's the same papers I'm dealing every damn day but from what I'm holding.... shit.
"Mrs. Xena Lander dropped the custody request the last minute before the verdict. It automatically give way to Mr. Trent Redido to say with his father. About the properties, it's all done. The one that made this easy was the prenuptial they agreed before Mr. Trent was conceived. That way everything went good and all done now."
My eyes brim with tears as I close the folder. Hindi ko na kailangan basahin dahil kwinento na niya sa akin. I slammed it on his chest and laugh, "Ikwekwento mo rin pala, binigay mo pa 'to sa akin."
"Baka kasi magdoubt ka sa sasabihin ko." he smiled again, revealing his perfect white teeth. "So... what are your thought?"
Pinunasan ko ang mata at umiling. "Dahil diyan, kinulayan mo buhok mo?"
"Puwede rin. This hair sucks for being always the same since I was born. So I think I need a chance now."
Tinagilid ko ang ulo at bahagyang ngumiti. "Congrats.."
He warmly put his hand on my shoulder. "You asked me to finish this right away, so I did everything I could.."
My heart feels light after I left the cemetery. It was also the reason why I went there, to get rid of this unfamiliar feelings I'm dealing with and somehow, nawala nga.
And I'm not expecting this to happen. After the incident, after I asked him to finish this already, wala na akong narinig sa kanila. That was a good start. Wala na silang gugulo.
But as long as their complaint still on air, still in this firm, hindi ako makakampante. Because there will be a chance na I can see them still. Na baka nandiyan lang sila, nasa malayo at tumatanaw sa akin.
But this.. finally... everything is done.... gone... put an end down.
The next thing I knew, I'm hugging him tight, so tight that I forgot how to breath and I'm okay being breathless for a while.
"Told you... I always keep my promises.." he chuckled after letting go of him. "Happy?"
"It's too fast but yeah... thank you.."
He showed me the table I saw him fixing a while ago. Doon ko lang napansin na may pagkain doon at kahit na busog pa ako sa kinain kanina, sumabay pa rin ako.
He said that he's famished from processing and finalizing everything before he show me the surprise which is that folder. And somehow, I don't regret eating with him.
"Do you like it?"
Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa buhok niya at siguro napansin niya na iyon. I just can't help it! Aware naman na ako na may itsura siya sa kulay ng buhok niya before but I never knew he'll be more good with that color!
To think he's not yet shaving his stubbles... gah.. kaya naman pala iba ang ningning ng mata ng kumausap sa akin kanina!
"Bagay sa'yo.." humalakhak ako. "Didn't see it coming.."
"Impulsive decision nga.. But I don't regret it.." there's a mirror from behind him. He looked at himself and I can't help but to snicker.
"My birthday is coming.."
"Hmm.."
"What gift you'll get for me?"
"Do I need to tell? Gift nga e.."
Umirap siya. "But you'll give me one?"
"I still don't have my money... baka greetings muna.." humalakhak ako.
"Don't lie to me. Alam ko pumapasok sa bank account mo.." tumawa siya. "But aside from that, my family wants to celebrate it.."
Lumiwanag ang mukha ko, "That'd be great, then?"
"Yeah. But I have plans.."
"Plans what? May bago ka ba uli?"
Umiling siya. "Iba.."
"Ano nga?"
"I want you to come with me." deretso niyang tingin sa akin.
Thank God I'm not putting anything in my mouth that time. But what I chewed down feels like stucked in between and that's the reason why I almost choked up.
"W-what?"
He offered me a water. "Sama ka sa akin?"
"Why?!" depensa ko. "I'm not part of your family!"
"Do you want to be?" ngisi nito.
Nanlaki ang mata ko, "Von!" I spat.
But he didn't even flinch. "Come with me. They want to celebrate it somewhere away from here. Dad just got home, again, and he wants to celebrate it before he went away. Again."
Sinubukan kong hanapin ang humor sa mata niya, kasi baka niloloko niya lang ako but fuck! There's nothing even a tiny humor in it!
He's really serious.
"Pwede ba 'yun? What do you want me to say to everyone? Na I'll leave work because I'm going with you?"
"Bakit? Is it bad?"
"No! But... bakit ako lang?"
"Bakit hindi?" ngisi na naman niya.
"Geez, Von! Can't you see? Baka kung anong isipin nila kapag nalaman nila na ako lang.." fuck. Parang mali ako..
"So?"
"They'll get mad.."
"I don't care. Basta gusto ko sumama ka. Is it hard to do with me?" pinal nitong sabi.
Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Iniisip na lang kung anong pwedeng mangyari kung sakaling um-oo ako sa kagustuhan niya. Well, it's a good idea... if we weren't in this field.
Alam ko naman na kakalat sa department namin kung bakit sumama ako kay Von. Matagal na silang taka sa relationship naming dalawa kahit na ilang beses ko nang klinaro na... magkaibigan lang kami.
Pero alam mo 'yun? No matter how hard you try to explain something, if they don't want to listen, it will just go to waste? Ganun.
"Hey.." nag-angat ako ng tingin. "Promise. They won't get mad."
"How sure are you?"
"I just feel like it.." tumawa siya.
Pinanliitan ko lang siya ng mata. "Did your family ask you to include me in this?"
He continues eating his food, "Nope. But it's my birthday, I can invite whoever I want.."
"Bakit ako?" parang tanga kong sabi. "I'm not your... girlfriend or boyfriend or what... So why me?"
Von stopped from cutting the meat. His strong demeanor is getting high in the area. If he was some kind of hydraulic press and I'm in between, I'm surely disintegrated from pieces to pieces.
"Why? Do I need or we need to have label before I ask you to come with me? Especially with introducing to my roots?"
"What?!"
"I see no bad reasons to have you in it.."
Wala na uling nagsalita. "Do you want me to have a girlfriend?" parang hangin lang niyang sabi. Hindi seryoso. Walang sinseridad.
"Why are you asking me?" I intertwined both of my hands under the table. "Buhay mo naman 'yan.."
"Do you want me?" ulit na naman niya. Umirap lang ako at uminom ng tubig.
My stomach is really full and big now.
"Bahala ka nga Von.." pinal kong giit. "If you want to court someone, then go. It's not like I'll get mad or what. Magiging masaya pa nga ako.. Kaming lahat."
Something drops in him. "What?"
Umayos ako ng upo. The image of the girl from earlier came back again. "Some of them are waiting for you to bring a girl.. or announce you're getting laid.."
May kung ano sa mukha niya. God. He's so fucking gorgeous. "And?"
"Wala.." iling ko. "Celebrate your birthday, okay lang sa akin. I'm currently swamped."
I watched him drink his own drink, from how his red lips touch the glass, from his bulge in his neck and.. fuck.
"I can just tell them that we are going to attend some meetings away from here. Nakita ko na 'to. So I already planned a disguise on how to abduct you without anyone noticing it."
Natawa ka. "Abduct? Ano ka, alien?"
But his emotions didn't change. "Tell them that we're going away with work. With that, you can go without worrying what they might say. For once, have yourself a little fun."
Umiling ako at napailing na lang uli. Silence engulfed us again, but this time, he finally got me on my feet.
Suddenly, I'm off the deep end. "I did what you ask me to do, now, can you do me a favor?"
"What?" I asked, trembling in my feet.
"Let's forget everything... just for some days?" and I feel his shoe climbing up on my legs. Fucking fuck. Not in here!
***
Saturday morning, I got a call from Atty. Torres.
Out of nowhere, it's been a while since I last saw him. Noong nagtanong lang ako kung bakit hindi sa kanila pumunta sina Trent and after that, wala na.
Kaya siguro ganito na lang ang gulat sa sarili ko nang gusto niya akong makita at makausap.
Although he told me na he just got the news na tapos na iyong complaint nina Trent, at gusto niya lang makita 'ung file na pinakita sa akin ni Von.
And who am I to say no?
"Aalis ka?"
Kalalabas ko lang ng office at nakaantabay na si Ellis mula sa labas namin. Mabilis naman akong tumango at nilagay sa balikat ang sling bag.
"Yeah. Meet with some friend of mine, kayo na lang mag lunch," nagpaalam din ako kaagad sa kaniya.
Thank God he let me go away. May time din na masasayang si Atty. Torres and I don't want that to go to waste kaya kailangan ko nang umalis.
I kept knocking Von's door because I didn't get the file from him. What happened that day was... so vivid to recall. And ayoko lalo isipin kung anong nangyari noong araw na iyon.
"Atty., he was out. Kanina pa," tawag ng isa sa tabi ko.
Umawang ang labi ko at mabilis na nagpasalamat. When he's out of sight, pumasok pa rin ako. This was the thing I need to have, hindi ako pwedeng humindi na lang bigla sa kaniya.
It's embarrassing for me if I did it.
Before exiting the room with the folder in my hand, my eyes glanced at the dining table. God. I should stop thinking about what happened there.
Mabilis pa ako sa kidlat sumakay ng taxi. Von didn't know any of it kasi hindi ko pa naman siya nakausap ngayong araw. Maybe after I had the talk... I'll tell him I got this one.
Showed my ID from the guard who immediately recall who am I and ask the front desk for Atty. Torres. Someone guide me to one of the conference room from the right wing.
Akala ko aakyat pa kami.
"Kakatapos lang po nila. Just knock," he reminded and quickly went gone.
I grabbed all the air I could fill in my lungs. One familiar knock and pushed the door off.
There hw was, standing in a nice suit with the phone he looks like just done talking to eat. I quickly plastered a smile and closed the door.
"Hi! How are you?" I asked and went to him so we could at least, have a formal greeting with the nervousness I have in my heart.
"Good. You? Sorry for asking you to come here," he offered the seat. "I'm asking for something so I should be the one to go at your firm but things fell down in me like a dead leaf."
"Nah. It's all good," inayos ko ang sarili saka tumitig sa kaniya. I kind of adore how some people I knew from before had this big change in their life, not just with their life but also with their features.
Like, every time I look at myself, I still see the same Stefan who's dreaming to be a lawyer soon. They say I should be grateful for that, because it's still me.
But that couldn't hide the fact that I want change to linger on me too. Like a blood stain or a wide smoke from a burnt fire woods.
"I got the news from my friend, do you have the files?" I nod my head and gave him the blue folder I stole or got from Von's.
"Kahit na nagka-usap na tayo noon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit hindi sa inyo nagpunta sila.." humalakhak ako.
If they did it, there will be no chance of seeing each other again.
If they did, there will be no insident occurred inside that room.
And if they choose here over our firm, then I'd stay happy like the usual.
But it already transpired. What can I do to ask for rewind?
"Why?"
"Nothing.. There's a time that I think maybe he doubted you?" tumawa ako. "Like come on, doubt you when you're included on the top list from your year?"
He merely shook his head and said the same thing from the last time.
We were engulfed in silence after that. My eyes is scrolling his figure while reading the papers. What shocked was how he reads fast or maybe he's just jumping from things that aren't word reading? Perhaps that was it.
After a long defeaning silence, he casually turn down the files and stare right through me. That's it. The stares... his smile.. everything I'm feeling since I wasn't here.. were true.
I thought I was feasible to do this, because there's a chance that Trent might be in here but no... but the way how he bore his eyes on me?
There's something off.
"Actually, there is more from what I had ask you to today, Atty. Raval."
"Just Stefan," pilit kong ngiti. But he seemed like he didn't hear what I said.
"Yes, I'll admit that this is the main reason why I asked you to come over but there's also another. Another one. And this is about the lawyer who assisted Trent's family."
"W-what?" bakit si Von?
I'm waiting for his answer, only to give me a thin sheets of papers that even looking at it was enough to beads sweats on me. God! The room is so cold yet I'm feeling hot!
"What's this?" kinuha ko mula iyon sa kaniya.
"Did the lawyer, who I know is your friend, Atty. Von Arcilla was filed a complaint by Trent himself?" deretso nitong sabi.
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Umaasa ako na baka mali lang ako ng rinig pero hindi. Why... why did he file a case to Von? Why?
"Read the papers and you'll know why you were called by me. I'm sorry Stefan but... I'm the one to stand for Trent. This may hurt your feelings or whatsoever but.." he stood up from his seat.
I could rip off of of this paper but I feel frail in every muscle I have.
"Work is work. Tell him to fight for his name..." he slur in such a slow tone.