#WhatWouldItBe
It is somehow true that when you feel nothing but happiness, time starts to tick faster than ever.
Kaya pala sobrang tagal ng oras noong nasa Law school pa ako, because majority of the days... hindi ako masaya sa dami ng pwedeng gagawin.
But now, everything paid off and I couldn't believe that it's been a year ever since I got that Atty. in my name.
And I couldn't believe, too, that we're almost six or seven years together? No, siya lang sa akin but doesn't matter anymore.
As long as I'm happy and he is, too, that's what matters now.
Kararating lang namin sa Isabela, pauwi sa amin. I have no idea kung anong plano sa akin ni Trent but when he told me that we'll be leaving for Isabela, agad din naman akong pumayag.
Tahimik na ang paligid, that's what Isabela feels like when you're not in Manila to witness the night. Malamig. Walang masakit sa ilong na mga usok. Everything feels so province-y that you don't want to go back anymore.
"Trent.." tawag ko sa tabi ko.
Nakaupo lang kami sa labas ng bahay namin. Kami lang naman ang lumuwas kaya sinabi ko na dumito na lang kami kaysa sa hotel.
Thank God he agreed. "Hmm?"
Napapikit ako. The sudden anticipation and guilt is killing and eating me all up. "I feel like.. everything I've learned is going to waste.."
Sumikip bigla ang kapit niya sa akin, "Bakit ka nag-iisip niyan?"
I sighed. "Halos isang taon na rin simula nang makapasa ako pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako kagaya nina Nale na tapos na sa practice nila."
Pakiramdam ko, kaya lang hindi na nagsasalita ang mga tao sa paligid ko tungkol sa naging desisyon ko ay kasi natatakot sila na I will file a suitcase on them if they tried to meddle with my decision?
Kasi kung kaya nila, dapat matagal na nila akong kinausap. Na I better start practicing, na I should not waste everything I've paid for law school..
It all starts to sink in now.. and I'm drowning. "I'm starting to feel worthless now.."
Mariin siyang umiling, "Shh... don't say that. Ano naman kung ayaw mo pa talaga?"
"E kas—"
"It's your life, baby. Ikaw naman ang maghihirap kung sakali so don't try to think about what they think. Huwag mong hayaan na idikta nila kung ano dapat mong gawin.."
Hindi ako nakasagot. "You're already a lawyer, matanda ka na.. you can do anything when you want to.."
"Paano kung dapat pala nagprapractice na ako? But I'm losing the chance?"
"You can't lose something that's been living in you for so many years, Stefan." ngumiti siya. "You're once an attorney, and you'll always be an attorney."
Ngumiwi ako. "You're just saying that because you have no choice but to appease me. Kasi boyfriend kita?"
"No.." humalakhak siya. "Sige nga, nagpractice ka nga pero hindi ka pa pala masaya sa punto na 'yon, sinong mahihirapan kung sakali?"
Matagal bago nakasagot. "M-me?"
"Exactly. Kaya don't pressure yourself just because people told you so. Live your life the way you wanted it to be." bahagya niyang bulong.
"Okay po.." tumango ako at tumawa. "What are we going to do for tomorrow. Dapat natutulog na tayo ngayon.."
Hindi siya kaagad nakasagot. When I looked at him, he's just staring at the night sky, wondering something I didn't know.
Nanatili kami sa ganoong posisyon hanggang mag-aya na siya na matulog. He didn't say what his plan is, but him being Trent Redido for a year now?
I know I'll be surprised when tomorrow comes.
***
My mood relented upon seeing where we are. Trent opened the gate for us and stood there, looking at me with those set of annoying but pretty eyes I've ever seen.
"We'll play?" taka kong sabi.
"Ano pa ba?" tumawa siya at hinila ako papasok sa court. Walang tao sa paligi kundi kami lang. Meron man, only cars or tricycles na dumadaan sa daan kalapit mh court.
"Wala namang beach dito kaya maglaro tayo sa patag," binaba niya ang bag naming pareho. Tumakbo siya sa kalayuan at pagbalik niya may hawak na siyang mga bola.
I cussed when he passed the other one at me. "One on one?"
"Unfair!" sipat ko. "You know that I don't do sports!"
"Laro lang naman, baby!" sigaw niya at tumakbo sa gitna.
Kaya naman pala sobrang komportable ng suot-suot niya ngayon! I almost ended up wearing pants again! Pinag shorts niya na lang ako, para pala rito!
"And I doubt that you don't know even one rule of every sports we have!"
"Walang P.E sa law school, baka hindi mo alam," lumapit ako sa net at hinawakan ang lumang bagay na iyon. How did he managed to get this?
For us only?!
"Imposible."
"Why? Do you expect us pass the laws just like balls of your sports?" ngumiwi ako nang sabihin iyon.
"Sige na! One on one! Matalo, bibili ng inumin natin mamayang gabi!"
Nanlaki ang mata ko. "Auto pass. Anong inom?!"
"Sige na! Nasa mood ako para mamaya!" pilit niya at sinubukan lumapit sa akin pero hindi ko siya hinayaan.
"Huwag ako, Redido. Matagal na kitang kilala, alam ko mga ginagawa mo when you're drowning in alcohol!"
Naupo ako sa bench at pinanood na lang siya na laruin ang hawak na bola. He made a face and run towards me.
"Please? Joke lang 'yun.. promise, hindi ko gagalingan.. para sa'yo.." he stole a kiss.
Umirap ako. "I don't even know how to play that anymore.."
"Kahit na. Wala tayo sa international game kaya halika na!" hinila niya ako at walang nagawa kundi magpatianod sa kagustuhan niya.
Noong una, hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Pero habang tumatagal ang oras, natututunan kong lagpasan ang mga pandadaya niya sa akin.
"Unfair! Foul ka doon!"
Umirap ako at tumawa. "Stop changing the rules! Pass it on!"
Iritado na ang mukha niya hanggang matapos kami. And I fucking win over him! I fucking win over a legit athlete! Kala niya ha?
I'm not smart in playing their rules but I observe so much that I can see how he trying to bring me down! That's why I won!
"Ang daya mo, 'by..." habol-habol niya ang hininga habang iniinom ang baon naming tubig.
Pinanood ko na gumalaw ang lalamunan niya sabay lahad sa akin ng tubig. I chug it down until it's all done.
Nahiga siya bigla sa bench kaya wala akong nagawa kundi gawin din ang ginagawa niya. I don't care anymore if someone sees us.
Seems like no one was around the area. Kaya okay lang.
"Baby.." tawag niya.
"Hmmm?"
"Hindi ka nagsasawa?"
"Where? Sa'yo?"
"Alam mo naman na pala, e," sinampal niya ang sikmura ko. Napadaing ako sa ginawa! Shit! Pakiramdam ko nagulo organs ko!
"Fuck you,"
"I will, later.." I can see him winking his eyes on me.
"That!" singhal ko. "Nakakasawa ring libog mo, 'no?"
"Gusto mo rin naman.."
Hindi na ako sumagot dahil baka masapak ko na siya sa mga sinasabi niya! Instead, I let myself calm first. Pagod na pagod ako kakasigaw at kakaawat sa kaniya kanina dahil pinapahabol niya lang ako ng bola!
E 'di siya na sanay sa gym! He better wait when I got the chance to enroll to one! Kala niya, ha?
"Pero ano nga? Nagsasawa ka ba?"
"In what aspect?"
"Sa lahat.." I can see him staring now. "Nagsawa ka na ba na minahal kita? Na minamahal pa rin kita?"
"Hindi.." agap ko. "Kung sakali man, I'll tell you right away. I want you to be happy and that means letting me go. Ayokong magstay ka sa lugar na hindi na masaya lahat.."
Wala akong nakuhang sagot. "But that's only a hoax. I won't get tired receiving and doing the same thing you're doing. Once in a lifetime lang mga kagaya mo, why would I waste it just because I wanted it?"
"Kilig ako.." humalakhak siya at hinuli ang kamay ko. "Anong gagawin mo?"
"Kung?"
"Aalis ako. Kung ayaw ko na bigla.."
Doon ay hindi ako kaagad nakapagsalita. Ano nga ba? "Why are you asking? May plano ka?"
"Wala akong sinabi.." maliit siyang tumango. "But what if? Anong gagawin mo?"
"What will I do?" I clicked my tounge while thinking. "I'll ask you where did we go wrong and tatanungin kita kung final na ba talaga 'yang nararamdaman mo.."
"Tapos?"
"Kung final na, then iiwan kita. Hahayaan kitang iwan mo ako. You know me Trent, if something's really not for me. It's really not."
"We?"
"If making you happy means cutting the ties we have, I won't have a second thought on cutting it." mahina kong sabi.
Matagal na katahimikan ang nanaig sa amin. Ngayon lang siya nagtanong niyan, simula noong kami na uli, wala siyang nababanggit na ganiyan.
Why did he ask? Does he have plans? Is he planning to leave me soon?
All of those was just questions but that's enough to hurt my feelings now.
Why? Because I'll think about the thing he did for me before.. kung magsawa siya, bakit pa siya bumalik o bakit niya pa ako hinintay noon?
Four years din iyon. Hindi biro ang ginawa niya but he still managed to wait for me. Tapos out of nowhere, bigla siyang nagbago?
Biglang hindi na niya ako mahal? Iba ang sakit na mararamdaman ko kung sakali.
"Hey.. wala akong plano gawin 'yun, gusto ko lang tanungin!" bigla siyang naupo at malamlam na tumingin sa akin.
"I didn't say anything," ginamit ko ang kamay para takpan ang mata.
"Umiiyak ka ba?" he tried to peel it off pero masakit lang sa mata 'ung araw!
"Dapat pala hindi na ako nagtanong.." bakas sa boses niya ang pagsisisi.
I chuckled and pinch his arms. "But I'm glad you did.. malay mo magkatotoo?"
"That won't happen. I swear to god.." umiling-iling siya.
Pinilit ko na huwag magsalita at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa. Tahimik lang siyang nilalaro ang kamay ko habang kumakanta ng kantang paulit-ulit niyang kinakanta.
Pansamantala akong nagpahinga.
At nang maramdaman ko na okay na uli gumalaw-galaw, tatayo na sana ako nang bigla niya akong pinabalik sa pagkakahiga!
I tried standing up but he kept doing it! Sinubukan kong tingnan ang ginagawa niya but when I managed to see what it was, handa na akong malusaw.
Not because of the heat. But for the embarrassment.
"T-trent, I'll kick you on your ass.." pigil ko sa kaniya. "Let go of my thing!"
Pilit ko siyang nilalayo but he just continue bobbing his head, up and down down there. My breathing became ragged.
"Not until you come in me," that was enough to kick his balls when I'm done. My knees were still trembling while he's wiping the side of his lips.
"Kapag may nakakita sa atin, lagot ka talaga sa akin," banta ko. Kaysa matakot, sinubukan niya pa na lumapit sa akin.
Binato ko ang bola sa kaniya. Damn him!
***
Trent's already asleep.
Hindi pa ako dinadalaw ng antok kaya iniwan ko muna siya sa kuwarto naming dalawa. Lumabas muna ako, kung bakit, I don't know.
Gumanti ako sa kaniya sa laro namin kanina. Maybe that's the reason why he fell asleep as soon he got out of the bathroom.
Kasalanan din naman niya. What he did fueled to punish him and he didn't even flinch a simple move.
I didn't know why I went out of the house, natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili na bumibili ng softdrinks sa papasarang tindahan.
The vendor is angry, kasalanan ko rin naman, halata naman na magsasara na siya tapos bumili pa ako.
But I can't back inside. Gusto ko muna maparito. Basta gusto ko lang.
I can hear that he's watching YouTube videos while waiting for me to get the fuck out. Hindi ko pa nauubos ang inumin ko kaya baka mamaya-maya pa.
Bihira na lang ang mga dumadaan na mga tricyle. Kadalasan mga tricyle na walanh prangkisa ang mga dumadaan. Why they couldn't get legal documents so they can make money while the sun's still out?
I'm wondering about their whereabouts nang mapansin ko na may bumibili na naman. Hindi ko sana papansinin pero bumugso ang malakas na hangin.
And with that, the smell entered my nose.. makalipas ang ilang saglit, ramdam na ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan.
Hindi dahil sa malamig na hangin, but because of Von's familiar scent in front of me.
"How much? Marlboro blue?"
Tears brim my eyes as I stood up and went behind him. Nakamask pa siya but when he lit the cigarette up, inalis niya iyon.
At hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Si Von 'to. It's Von Ruke, the one whole left without any personal goodbye. Only a letter that was supposed to calm me down before but just added suspicion to me.
"H-hey.." I'm even shocked that I can still talk now.
His body stiffed, kita ko mula rito. "V-von.
" tawag ko sa kaniya at mapait na ngumiti. "Is that really you?"
His movement was dramatic, slow move of his body and one second, our gaze locked. This is really Von Ruke. He has small mole beside his brow.
The only person that I know who have that was him.
"Hi?" tinapon ko ang hawak. "You're... here.."
Hirap na hirap lang akong magsalita. Hinihintay ko siyang magsalita but instead to say hello or just smile a little bit, he puffed his smoke on me and in a split second...
He left me hanging again.