#WhatWouldItBe
I don't know if being sober that night was a good thing for me. What if I'm not? What if I'm also drunk just like him? Probably, I won't think about what happened and how did that happened.
No. I won't charge him a suitcase. It wasn't a rape. It wasn't forced sex, I gave in so it was completely sex. Total opposite of rape.
But the vivid memory inside my head? Para akong nilalason. Nilalason na hindi ki malaman kung tama lang ba o hindi.
He's my friend... I know... that he's not into like me. He's into girls... minsan kausap niya si Seniah na kaklase namin. Seniah's one of the smartest in our section.
Kaya alam ko na baka that's what he wants... then tables turn around.
Hindi ko alam kung magpapasalamat ako na dumating from States ang father niya kaya hindi na kami masyadong magkausap.
He told me about it. The day after it happened, he talked to me like nothing happened. Like he doesn't remember how hit me there. How he kissed me. How he trace my neck using his tounge.
Oh, God, Stefan, don't act like a fucking virgin! You did it with your ex before! You almost did it with Paul before so why are you acting like it hurt you and pained you so much?!
You gave in.. you gave in to temptation so don't act like you didn't do it.
Marahan ko na binagsak ang ulo sa study table. Dapat nagbabasa na ako ng possible subjects namin for next step but I couldn't find the will to do it.
Kahit na ilang beses ko nang sinasabi na maraming nagsasabi na mas mahirap na ang second year... hindi ko magawa.
Nakapikit lang ako roon hanggang may kumatok mula sa labas. Agad kumurba ang kilay ko, I checked my phone to see if I'm expecting someone pero wala naman!
Mabilis akong tumayo at mabilis na binuksan ang pintuan. Only to see our landlady standing outside my room.
She's in her usual duster while eating peanuts. "Stefan, may naghahanap sa'yo sa labas. Hindi ko pinapasok kasi alam mo na.."
Natawa siya sa sinabi. Ah. There's a growing rate of theft sa lugar namin. She's just making sure of her place and us.
"May sinabi po bang pangalan?"
"Hindi ko na natanong pero lagi mo atang kasama 'yun? Gwapo siya kaya siguro naman alam ko na?"
Tinapik niya ang balikat ko at mabilis na bumaba. Lagi kong kasam— what the hell?!
Hindi na ako nag-abala na mag-ayos dahil si Von lang naman siguro iyon! What is he doing here?! Akala ko ba busy siya?!
"Hi..." the usual Von Ruke is really in front of me.
Wearing only a forest green T-shirt and some old saggy brown shorts and sliders, nakangiti siyang nakatingin sa akin.
If only I could see my face now, alam ko na bagsak ang panga ko. "Akala ko ba busy ka?"
Tumawa siya sabay lahad sa akin ng mga hawak. He's holding three big paper bags! Hindi ko naman birthday ngayon, ah?
"So anong gusto mo? Buong taon ako maging busy?"
"Dumating father mo right? Shouldn't you be at least with him, at least?"
Nabalitaan ko kasi na stockbroker sa kung saan ang father niya sa states. He said na he's one of the biggest stockbroker sa isang state roon!
And going home here in the Philippines is a rare thing he'll do. Kaya nang malaman nila na uuwi ito, nagpaalam siya sa akin dahil susulitin daw nila ang araw niya rito sa Pinas.
But now? Bakit pa siya nagpunta rito? "One week na kaming magkasama, Stefan. At saka may date sila ni mommy so siyempre hindi kami puwedeng sumama!"
Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa mga hawak. They are huge kind of paperbags! Ang bigat din! Don't tell me he gave me things that his father gave to them?
Hindi naman nila ako family, ah?!
"You won't go anywhere?" he asks.
"No.. N-nasa kuwarto lang ako these past few days.." bumaba ang tingin ko sa front area niya.
A vague memory flashes in my mind and I quickly looked away. Good Lord, Stefa! Gising pa ang mga bata!
"Great! Can I come inside? Ayoko rin umalis.." he smiled.
I don't know what made me agree to what he asked for, shouldn't I be pushing him away, at least for now kasi naaalala ko pa rin lahat ng nangyari noong gabing iyon?!
"You're right, nakakaantok nga sa kama mo," tumawa siya nang makita ang kama ko.
Mas lalong nag-init ang pisngi ko at binaba na lang ang mga hawak. "Nagdala ka ng mga paperbags tapos ipapahawak mo lang sa akin."
He stood by my door, "That's yours.. Bigay ni dad.."
"Huh?"
Lumapit siya sa akin at mabilis naupo sa sahig. God! Stop, Stefan?! Can't you just fucking forget it just like what happened before?!
"I'll help you out," nagsimula siyang tanggalin ang ribbon ng iba.
Ginawa ko rin ang pag-upo niya dahil hindi ko talaga maiwasan na maisip lahat! Can I have a break at least for a while?
Nagsimula siyang alisin lahat ng nasa loob. One second, nasa mga damit ang atensyon ko. They all looked like expensive and smells expensive.
And one second, pinapanood ko na lang siya na ibalik at ilabas ang ilang gamit sa paperbag.
I watched his hair sway as he tries to put the clothes back in a good way.
I watched his eyes blink every three seconds.
I watched him licked his lips every time it felt dry.
And gah... something's getting bad inside me and the only way to get rid of it was to kiss him. Again.
If I kiss him right now, will he recall what happened?
Was he so drunk that he fucked me so good, I almost said I like him, too?
Napailing na lang ako sa iniisip.
"Hey, nakikinig ka pa ba?" binato niya sa akin ang isang panyo. Nabalik tuloy ako sa ulirat.
"Yeah.. Continue.."
Umiling siya. "Hindi ka nga nakikinig. Kanina pa ako tapos," I flinched. "Anyway, just accept it. Dad will be mad if you don't accept it.."
Saglit kumunot ang noo ko at ngumiwi, "Wow, he even think of me?"
He nods his head, "Grab it or he'll be mad at you kapag nagkita kayo uli dalawa," tumayo siya at pinagpag ang likuran ng shorts.
Arte. Hindi naman marumi sahig ko. I just swept it a while ago.
Since I'm still sitting on the floor, my eyes focus the tiny hairs on his legs. God. That's so sexy for him.
"Are you mad?"
Tumingala ako, "Para saan naman?"
Nginuso niya ang mga nasa harapan ko. Tumawa ako at niyakap silang lahat. "No. Just shocked, but thanks. Pakisabi.."
"Sure.." he winked and started to scroll around. Inayos ko ang mga gamit na binigay at tapos na ako pero siya naglilibot pa rin.
Hindi naman malaki ang in-o-occupy ko, ah?
Ilang saglit lang ay tiningnan na niya ako, nasa study table ako uli. "Have they send any regards about next year?"
Umiling ako. "Wala pa.."
"Aight. Akala ko meron na.."
"You're not checking your phone, I see.." tumawa ako.
"Like I said and you said, I'm busy." he held the fob. "Naiihi ako, where's the bathroom?"
Bigla na namang bumaba ang tingin ko. Stefan Raval?! Hindi ka pinalaki ni mama nang ganyan!
"A-ah... baba ka lang at kaliwa. M-makikita mo naman na.." garagal kong sambit.
Akala ko hindi niya mapapansin 'yon but he tilted his head, checking me out. "What's with bulol?"
"Wala!" depensa ko. Why would I tell him? Sapat na he didn't know what happened! Baka mas lalo lang akong bangungutin!
Thank God wala pa talaga kaming assigned tasks!
"Umihi ka na lang.." tumawa siya at mabilis na umalis sa kinatitirikan.
Five minutes after he left, my phone beeped. Akala ko uli may chat na or what.. but someone is calling me.
And number isn't saved in my contacts.
"H-hello?" kahit na hindi ko alam ang purpose o sino ang tumatawag, sinago ko pa rin.
"Good morning Sir Stefan Raval, Lalamove po ito. May delivery po ako sa inyo. Saan po kayo banda dito sa street niyo?"
Literal na bumagsak ang hawak ko. Mabilis ko uli iyon kinuha at humingi nh pasensya. "A-ako po?"
"Opo.. Stefan Raval po, hindi ba?"
Shit. Ako nga.
Pero... wala naman akong binibili! Nag-iipon ako! Although I have money, from the will I got from my father and support from my mother, nagtitipid ako kahit na magastos naman talaga ang Law school.
At wala naman akong naaalala na binili online? Dahil wala pang designated type of authors and books kaming dapat bilhin?
So how come I have something delivery today?
"Labas na lang po kayo, nandito po ako sa tapat ng tindahan, sa may kulay kahel na gate."
Ako na rin ang nagbaba nang sabihin ang salamat sa kaniya. Hindi ko na inisip si Von at mabilis na lumabas.
Tama nga. May courier sa tapat ng tindahan at mabilis ko naman siyang nilapitan.
I said my name and gave him my ID. Took him one second para ibigay sa akin.. ang pamilyar na paper bag.
"Okay na po! Wala naman pong babayaran,"
Pinanood ko siya na mawala. Tulala pa rin ako hanggang makabalik ako sa amin. Only to see Von standing outside my door, his eyes locked on whatever I'm holding.
"Von.." I couldn't recognize my voice. It's trembling... in fear.
Kinuha niya iyon sa akin. "Isn't this the same paperbag na may laman ng exams at quizzes for first year?"
Tumango ako. That's why I'm scared. Another paperbag came again, at nasisiguro ko na notes naman iyon for second year.
Good Lord in heaven, kanino ba galing 'yan?
"I don't know.. I told you I'm not a part of frat, so are you pero bakit nakakatanggap ako?" I sighed.
"This is very alarming now," sabay naming bigkas.
Uminit ang pisngi ko at pinanood siya na ilock sa kamay ang paperbag. "You know? We should report this. This is not good for you."
I wanna know.. I wanna know if what he said after he came was... true? Was it?
***
None of us joined any fraternity or sorority. Matagal na naming pinag-uusapan ang tungkol doon, third year pa kami at hanggang ngayon, tuloy pa rin ang pangako namin sa isa't-isa.
We promised that we will work hard for law school and be not included in some kinds of brotherhood or sisterhood that will give us a free pass to pass a subject.
Yes, maybe to some, it is intimidating to accept the membership. Ikaw ba naman bigyan ng mga sagot sa susunod na quizzes at exams? Aayaw ka pa?
But I really object that idea.
Ayokong umasa sa isang bagay na alam kong ikakapahamak ko rin sa hinaharap. And not only me, pati na sa mga future clients ko.
I've read somewhere that if you continue to rely on the notes that was given by your brothers and sisters from the group, kawawa ka sa Bar Exam.
Why? It's because you only memorized the answer. You only memorized and didn't understand it. Sa Law school, hindi sapat na magaling kang magbasa, mabilis o hindi dahil ang importante?
Marunong ka dapat makaintindi. Anong point ng saulo mo nga pero hindi mo naman mapaliwanag nang maayos dahil sinaulo mo lang?
See? That's why I didn't join any frats around the school. Aware naman ako na hindi lang easy passes ang binibigay nila, pati na rin protection.
I don't care. Kaya ko naman ang sarili ko.
"Your silence is deafening.." mahinang komento ni Von sa akin.
We're inside his car and we're on our way to the main office of the courier who gave this to me. Why? Kailangan namin itanong kung kanino galing 'to because there's no return address included on the bag.
Tanging pangalan ko lang at ang form na sana para sa seller, it's blank.
Paano nila pinapayagan 'yun? Not putting any return address? Paano kung mali pala ang nabigay? How else the person will return it?
"I have nothing to say.."
Hindi na siya muling nagsalita pa. He has plans, anyway. Magtatanong kami kung kanino galing 'to and kapag hindi binigay, pupunta kami sa pulis. But if they did give it to us, pupuntahan namin ang nagbigay.
Malakas ang loob ko na galing din 'to sa dati. Gusto ko mang hanapin 'yung lalaki na nagbibigay, sa laki ng NCR, baka mamatay na ako e hindi ko pa rin siya nakita.
That's what we did when we enter the building. Hinayaan ko siya na kumausap doon sa babae sa reception at marahan na tinitigan ang likuran niya.
He has a sexy back, and unlike me, nanatili siya sa kung anong suot kanina. Ang mga balahibo sa binti ay kitang-kita mula rito.
Nagpalit ako kasi pakiramdam ko ang liit-liit ng suot ko.
"Hey.." lumapit siya sa akin pagkatapos makipag-usap. "Sadly, they couldn't say whoever gave this.."
"What?!" napalingon ako sa likuran niya. "How?!"
"I don't know.. She tried to track it in their records pero pangalan mo lang talaga lumalabas."
I couldn't help but to take a seat at the metal chairs behind me. Naupo rin siya roon at nilagay sa pagitan namin ang paperbag.
"You can just use it.."
Umiling ako. "I can't.."
"Why?"
"I don't want to walk through an easy line. Ako rin magsisisi after we graduate.."
"We? You're reading some of the last one before.."
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.."Case digests lang ang binabasa ko 'no.."
"Still... ganoon din.."
Hindi na ako umimik pagkatapos. Ilang minuto kami roon, walang nagsasalita. "Tawagan ko si Exon? He's a frat member you know.."
"Talaga?" Exon is our classmate pero hindi ko siya nakakausap dahil nasa dulong row siya nakaupo. Minsan ko na atang nakita nagkausap ang dalawa.
"Yeah.. Malay mo, he knows what's behind this logo? Baka rival nila 'to.."
"You don't know their frat?"
"No.. Hindi niya sinabi kung ano, just the I'm a frat member only,"
Tumango ako. Maybe that's a good idea. Kasi kung alam niya, puwede namin silang mahanap at matanong na kung bakit ba nila ako pinapadalhan nito?
Hindi nga ako sumali! Or.. maybe I did? Maybe I'm too stressed that time that I forgot I had a paddling session and after that, kasama na ako..
Baka.
Pero imposible. Utak ko lang ang bugbog-sarado, hindi ang balat ko.
Hindi niya pa nalalagay sa ibabaw ng tenga ang phone when I stopped him from doing it. "Look.." tinuro ko ang puwesto namin kanina.
There he was. Again.
Von was looking at me, confused! Of course, Stefan! He doesn't know what I'm pointing at.
"I know that person.." more like, he was once mine.
"Him?"
Tumango ako. "So?"
"Hold on," binaba ko ang hawak sa kaniya. Trent's still talking to the same girl Von talked to a while ago.
"I think I know who this came from.." I hushed. Feeling something in my heart.
Para akong nabuhusan ng yelo. What is he doing here? Don't tell me he was just here to send things? Na sa panahon pa na nandito rin ako?
I don't want to assume, pagod na akong mag-assume but my mind pushing it towards my nerves.
"Who?"
Hindi ako nagsalita at mabilis na hinawakan ang paperbag at binagsak sa harapan ni Trent iyon.
Both of them jumped from what I did. Wala akong pakialam. "You're the one sending me this, huh?"
Umawang ang labi niya. Nakaalis ang mask niya at tanging cap lang ang suot pantakip sa mukha.
"You were the one who cut everything on us tapos bigla ka na lang babalik? When you wanted to?"
Just one look at him, napagdugtong ko na lahat ng mga linya. Someone sent me a lessons and notes for first year. At isa sa mga notes doon ay nakalagay ang name ng school ko; RST.
I checked one of the notes a while ago, ganoon din, may name din ng school namin. And from what he said to me before, may kaibigan siya na nagte-take din ng Law dito sa RST.
And that was enough to reveal the whole truth. Siguro baka nga sa galing sa fraternity 'to but the call of truth on that statement?
Ang lakas-lakas.
"I just.. want to help.."
"Help?" tumawa ako. "You already made me feel helpless the moment you said you regretted loving me, Trent. Tapos biglang gusto mong bawiin? Tanga ka ba? Natanga ka na?"
Biglang lumapit sa likuran ko si Von, because my voice went higher than a while ago. "Let's go.." he begged.
"No!" inalis ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko. "Stop pestering my life because I already stopped pestering your life, Redido."
He's just looking at me, tears pooled his eyes. "Kulang pa ba? Kulang pa ba pananakit mo sa akin noon?! Hindi ka pa nasiyahan? Nakuntento?! You left me when I'm grieving over the loss of my own father! Hindi ka pa talaga nakuntento?!"
Von started to pull me away because I harshly pushed Trent that he fell down on the cold floor. Kulang pa. Kulang pa lahat ng nagawa ko pero pakiramdam ko.. okay na.
Okay na ako..
"You know we should not get involve in any scandal, right? Bakit nakakalimutan mo 'yon?" he started driving away.
I watched the building fade away. "I just needed him to stop from pestering me.."
"He's your ex?" gulat niyang sabi.
"Yeah. Remember the one I'm talking about before?"
Napaisip siya sa sinabi ko. Sinabi ko na noong nagpunta kami ng mall noon, nakita ko si Trent with some other girl. Iyon ang dahilan bakit hindi ako kaaagd nakapasok.
Lalo na 'yung bumalik ako sa gym at balisa kong inabot sa kaniya ang Gatorade niya. He asked me why before pero hindi ko sumagot.
Ngayon, it all started to be clear on him.
"Asshole.." tumawa siya at sumulyap sa akin. "Sorry to hear that.."
Hindi ako sumagot. Someone arose inside me and looks at him, the car halted because it's in red light. I licked my lips and he's just there, staring intently at me.
"Sorry too if I will do this.." I know I'll regret this even more but what can I do? His tounge's wandering my mouth now.