* Catherine continued *
'Huh?' Jesse asked, his tone softening ever so slightly.
'You asked me a question a few months back, do you remember?' I asked as I continued to stare out at the falling rain.
'Yeah' his reply came from behind.
'Well. His name was Joe' I said simply as I pulled out the well worn picture of Joe from my pocket and smiled.
After a few minutes I felt Jesse's warm body sit down beside me, being this close to him again sent every single one of my senses into overdrive. My body was screaming at me to reach out and touch him, to kiss him, to hold him and never let him go, but I knew I couldn't.
I had hurt my green eyed boy with my stupid words and my inaction. I had been so wrapped up with my own issues that I hadn't allowed my self to really understand just how much these last few months had meant to Jesse and that all of this was a big deal for him too.
He had taken a chance and let himself become vulnerable again, against his own better judgement he had done that for me. He had decided that I was worth the risk and laid himself bare and I had thrown it all back in his face.
I had let him down.
I never meant to hurt him and as much as I tried to hide it or fight it, as much as I used my own personal scars as an excuse I realised it wasn't ok.
Realising just how badly his absence from my life these last few days had affected me I knew that my life before he crashed into was empty.
It wasn't a life at all.
As I walked through the pouring rain this morning I decided I didn't want to just exist anymore, I wanted to live. Really live. And I wanted, no I needed Jesse by my side.
I glanced over briefly at Jesse and with a touch of sadness I noted his expression was unreadable. I hated that he could always read me so easily but I always seemed to struggle to get even just a hint of what was going on in his mind. Those deep green eyes were staring off into the distance lost in thought. I watched his jaw clench and unclench and seeing that tell of his I knew he was trying to keep his emotions in tact.
In that moment I tried to study every last little detail about my green eyed boy because for all I knew this might be the last time I ever spoke to him. As much as that thought crushed me I knew I would need to accept his decision but before I could let that happen I needed to share my past with him, not just for him but for me.
I didn't want his sympathy or his condolences nor did I want him to feel sorry for me. I just needed him to know that I wasn't always a stubborn, broken mess and that from the moment he crashed into my life he had made me feel like the girl I was once. That against all of my fighting and constant attempts to retreat he never, not once, let me fall back down that slippery slope.
That first night we had met I had yelled at him that I didn't need him to save me and looking back I realised just how wrong I had been. Jesse had thought he had kept his word when he said he wasn't going to help me but little did he know that just being himself was all the help I needed.
Letting out one last deep sigh, I drew on every ounce of strength I had in my body and decided to forge on.
'I loved him. God how I loved him' I said with meaning as I felt Jesse stiffen beside me, I knew he probably didn't want to hear that but I needed to speak these words out loud.
Taking a deep breath and not waiting for Jesse to respond I continued on.
'Joe. Joe died' I said simply staring out at the rain as my fingers absentmindedly gripped the photo a little tighter.
Suddenly it was like I was in a trance, these last few months I had struggled to see Joe clearly in my mind and the guilt I had felt because of that was immense but as I sat staring out into the rain filled street I could see him clear as day, it was as if I was watching a movie play out before my eyes.
You know how they say that your life flashes before you're eyes right before you die, well it was like that was happening now but instead it wasn't my life I was watching, it was snapshots of moments I was lucky enough to share with Joe.
As tears fell freely down my cheeks I watched Joe surfing, I watched him move across the waves with ease as if he was one with the ocean. I watched as he laughed and joked and danced with his friends at one of the many bonfires we went to every weekend on the beach. I could vividly see the concern etched on his face when I woke up that morning in the hospital bed after my attack. I could see that mischievous glint in his eye that he used to get right before he would pick me up and throw me on his bed before ripping my clothes off and devouring my body completely.
As I closed my eyes I could hear his soft, gentle voice echo in my ears as he told me he loved me over and over again.
And just like that he was gone.
The moment was over.
Whatever it was that I had just experienced was so surreal and so intense that I hadn't realised my body had started trembling.
'Princess' Jesse said softly, hearing my nickname roll off his tongue caused my heart to skip a beat and as he wrapped his arms around me tightly and pulled me close I felt my breathing start to steady and the trembling stop.
Looking up at Jesse my vision was blurry, I couldn't tell you if it was because of the rain or because of all of the tears I had cried. I felt his rough but strong hand gently push my soaking wet hair out of my face as he focused those deep green eyes on me.
'Tell me about him' he smiled genuinely.
Studying his face once more and seeing the sincerity in his eyes I pushed myself up off the step and gazed down at him.
'Want to skip school today?' I asked.
'Huh' he replied a little confused.
'I want to take you somewhere' I said as I held out my hand hoping with everything I had in me that he would take it.
Without a moments hesitation he slipped his hand in mine and finally feeling his touch once again my body erupted in sparks and my heart felt like it would beat normally once again.